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Is it better to be feared, or loved?Niccolò Machiavelli’s Leadership Poll that folks have been asking
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December 1 · Issue #50 · View online
Feeding the Passion for Transformation: Be it Talent, Culture, Work or HR
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Is it better to be feared, or loved? Well, what do you choose? A) Loved B) Feared? “It may be answered that one should wish to be both,” Machiavelli says, “but because it is difficult to unite them in one person, it is much safer to be feared than loved.” How about a 2nd poll to test the “let’s be honest here” waters? Say you meet a new potential customer, a potential employer, or anyone with whom you want to establish a good business relationship, what’s your game plan, set out to: A) Show that you’re experienced, skilled, capable, and credible, or B) Show that you’re trustworthy and likable? Is that wrong? Not necessarily - albeit it might not be as effective as you may assume. “Most leaders today tend to emphasize their strength, competence, and credentials in the workplace, but that is exactly the wrong approach. Leaders who project strength before establishing trust run the risk of eliciting fear, and along with it a host of dysfunctional behaviors. Fear can undermine cognitive potential, creativity, and problem solving, and cause employees to get stuck and even disengage,” according to Professor Amy Cuddy. Does the adage “you have got to show them who’s the boss” need to fly out the window? The case is further made against Machiavelli’s simple recommendation, when we look at the Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman study of 51,836 leaders on leadership effectiveness and likability. In this study, it came out that, only “27 of the leaders were rated in the bottom quartile in terms of likability and in the top quartile in terms of overall leadership effectiveness—in other words, the chances that a manager who is strongly disliked will be considered a good leader are only about one in 2,000.” Which leads us back to the old quote from Zig Ziglar: “If people like you, they’ll listen to you, but if they trust you, they’ll do business with you.”
Why? Beyond the simple statement that power dynamics are at play, when we are interacting with someone and determining how we will respond, we are gathering insights based on two questions:
- “What are this person’s intentions toward me?”
- “Is he or she capable of acting on those intentions?”
When we are making this assessment — especially of our leaders— we look first at two characteristics: how caring e.g. “lovable” ala Machiavelli (their warmth, communion, or trustworthiness) and how “fearsome” they are (their strength, competence, and ability to make things happen (agency). R esearchers agree that warmth and competence account for 90% of the variance of positive or negative impressions we form about people around us. In turn, warmth and competence boil down to two more simple questions that we ask ourselves: Can I trust you and Can I respect you?
- People considered to be competent but missing warmth often trigger envy in others. Unfortunately, envy is an emotion that mixes respect and resentment: loved when you’re winning, subject to sharp criticism when caught in a mistake.
- On the other hand, people judged as warm but - unfortunately - incompetent, tend to elicit pity or much lower expectations to actually perform. While compassion moves us to help those we pity, the lack of respect often causes folks to neglect them in the long run.
The recommendation in a nutshell: only after you have shown that you are trustworthy, can you best bring your depth and breadth of your talents to the table. Because then you are “ in”. Since warmth and competence are at the forefront for how we assess other people, we are often apprehensive of how that judgement from others is going to play out for us. Will others trust me? Will others respect me? This plays into how we enter into, and extend our trust into relationships; this plays out in terms of how we engage at work e.g. do we speak up and out, do we play it safe on a web meeting and ask our questions per chat to another attendee? This anticipation of being judged and not seen as worthy is anxiety-ridden. Throw into the mix the social isolation and challenges that come along side it, and we can get a clue in as to why it is so utterly important, as leaders, as team members, as people to stop and take the time to see how we are truly building trust, connecting, and exuding our warmth before digging into the nitty-gritties of our work. This is key to reinforcing the foundation so that they are less like the “Fear Factor” and more like “ Love Connection”? As this seemingly decade-long 2020 comes to a close, it will be hard to remember all the things that happened, but how your co-workers, your boss, your peers, your friends, your loved ones, made the time to show you how they trusted and respected you, will reverberate for years to come. #WorkingRemotelyBeingConnected
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“Work is work, and life is life, and never the twain shall meet”? Not anymore.
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Connect, Then Lead
The Happy Warrior:“The best way to gain influence is to combine warmth and strength—as difficult as Machiavelli says that may be to do. The traits can actually be mutually reinforcing: Feeling a sense of personal strength helps us to be more open, less threatened, and less threatening in stressful situations. When we feel confident and calm, we project authenticity and warmth.” The 2013 HBR article from Amy Cuddy, Mathew Kohut, Jeff Neffinger.
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I’m the Boss! Why Should I Care If You Like Me?
Bad news for mean bosses. The other 2013 HBR article from Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman where they dive into the warmth/competence results on leadership effectiveness.
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How Managers Drive Results and Employee Engagement at the Same Time
“Work is work, and life is life, and never the twain shall meet,” goes out with the bathwater in the study that Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman’s present on leadership results and likability of the leaders from their teams. Key question: Is there a position discrepancy that shows up when comparing high people skills and the ability to drive results?
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A Harvard Psychologist Says This Trait Matters Most: 10 Ways to Make a Great First Impression
Pretty darn good Top Tips for Leaders - and impressinados… 1. Listen a lot more than you talk. 2. Shift the spotlight to others. 3. Never practice selective hearing. 4. Put your stuff away. 5. Give before you receive – and assume you will never receive. 6. Don’t act self-important … 7. … Because you realize other people are more important. 8. Choose your words. 9. Don’t discuss the failings of others … 10. … But readily admit your own failings. Relevant for the 3rd and 56th impressions as well.
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Invisibilia: Flip the Script
Psychology has a golden rule too: If I am warm, you are usually warm. If I am hostile, you are too. But what happens if you flip the script and meet hostility with warmth? Tense situations can be diffused by opting to try a warm route, like my friend Cordelia Gaffar can attest. |
Why Small Talk Is Good For You
“And lest you think a friendly work experience only benefits your employer, know that workplace loneliness bleeds into your personal life, too. “If someone makes us feel good, it makes us feel better when we stop work,” Methot says. “If we feel really lonely, we withdraw, our energy goes down, and it makes us burn out and withdraw from families as well.” This is a great summary of why the water-cooler talks, and the endless (?) sharing of your colleagues cat’s antics are good for you - and for your organization.
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Dear HBR: Tough Teams
Is a team you manage keeping you up at night? Melanie Parish, a leadership coach and author gives advice on what to do when you lead a rogue team that doesn’t follow processes, your growing team of managers is not working together, and other such fun.
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I rounded out the #WorkingRemotelyBeingConnected lunch and learn sessions for a customer, diving into this aspect of Our Relationships. Team cohesion, the strain of the on-going lockdown, and end-of-year stress were at the forefront of the leaders minds as to how to find a balance for themselves - and to be there for their teams. At the same time, there was a broader pride in how the trust in the teams has grown through this #WRBC journey together - and a strong desire to keep the positive, relationship momentum moving forward into 2021. I can only echo that. I believe that there has been a bigger shift to see the human side of impact at work - and is something I am overjoyed to be a part of! Wishing you a happy, healthy, and wonderful start to December, Liz
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Elizabeth Lembke, Transforming Talent Consulting: www.transformingtalent.co and www.transformingtalent.de
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