Easy — two reasons.
1) I’m catching up on Love Island with Bree and we’re on the third hour of the night. To say my eyelids are drooping would be a massive understatement. They’re dropping like anchors.
2) My world has been in a bit of whirlwind lately, and to be real, I’ve been out of it. Let me explain with a metaphor:
I take a lot of pride in my bedroom. From the outside, it’s meticulously clean. My floors are clear. Surfaces wiped. Fresh flowers in vases around the room. Bed always made. Watches organized on a stand. Candles perfectly balanced — a big one next to a few small ones with some tea lights in the open space. Everything has it’s place. The boys walk through my room and talk about how cozy and comforting and calm it is. From first glance, it’s perfect.
Then, you open a drawer. Absolute mayhem. Almost every drawer in my room can be described in one word: chaos. Every drawer is a junk drawer — next to nothing is organized.
The other day when I was cleaning my room, shoving things in random drawers so it looked nice on the outside, I was slapped with how much of a metaphor it was for the last few weeks of my life.
Things have been good on the outside. I make people laugh and do good work and get drinks with friends and lead a healthy life.
But things are a bit different on the inside.
I’ve been stuck in my body, worried about my random health problems. My back is spent and my digestion is off and my right eye is twitching. According to my calculations, I’m a goner. Note: My calculations are never right, but I always check them 2039842398 times, just in case.
I’ve been I’ve been stuck in my head, stressed about a lot of things. The news. My friends. The future. My tan. My work. The creative in me that needs rest and inspiration at the same time. The athlete in me that wants to run around but spends most of my hours at a desk. The daughter in me that wants to cook dinner with my whole family like I’m 17.
I’ve just been off, and that’s okay. I’m thankful that I’ve done enough work on myself through the years to know what gets me here, then how I can work myself back to homeostasis. It’s funny, though. I love a good metaphor, but have never thought about my clean room, and how it’s one massive metaphor. I want to look perfect during the messy weeks. I’m walking around with pretty flowers on the surface, candles lit, ambiance everywhere, but I’m really shoving the loose ends into the drawers like it’s a race, only to have to clean them out later.
Please, no worrying about me allowed — just had a few weird weeks in my head, but we’re on the up. Just wanted to remind you that everybody has loose papers and ugly cables and extra things they don’t really need. Shoving those things in the back of a drawer doesn’t make them disappear. In fact, they’ll bug you more when you find them later.
The next time you’re in cleaning mode, look at things and put them where they’re meant to be. Toss the bad, wrestle with the hard, and cherish the good. You’ll thank yourself later.
I love you. Happy Monday.
ps. i’ve missed you. every last one of you. excited to be back.
pps. welcome to all my new subscribers. you may feel like you just threw your name on a list and that i maybe wouldn’t notice, but lean in close and i’ll tell you something dorky… i refresh that list religiously, and quietly freak out whenever a new name pops up. you’re not just a number to me. you’re a person with a name who i saw and celebrated, i’m so damn excited to have you. reply to this email and say hi : )