Hope you’re having a great start to the week.
The past three days have been a bit of a struggle for me. I started with the noble intention of covering a song. I spent an entire day learning parts of it, figuring out the arrangement and trying to record on the third day. After a minute or so of the song, I stopped progressing. I just could not get past the idea that it was sounding… weird. I’m yet to record vocals, mix/master tracks and add finishing touches. But for some reason, it kept sounding awkward. So I gave it up midway. I was upset.
Then the said struggle carried over to writing this newsletter. I couldn’t write for a full day. (wth!) I had multiple false starts, multiple attempts at unfunny jokes, read articles to ‘gain inspiration’. Nothing helped. I just couldn’t type more than a few lines. Anything I wrote read like the combined writings of all the internet gurus I simultaneously feel love and hate towards. It was a dead end. I was even more upset.
Giving up on the song felt disproportionately sad; as though a part of me was afraid that I’ve lost the streak I’ve had since the beginning of this year, where I’ve learnt to move past my self-criticism. I see signs of me going back to being the noob who focused on the outcome over everything else. I don’t like that guy; he wasn’t of much help.
Beating yourself up is a coping mechanism to prevent others from criticising you, isn’t it?
If I sh💩t on myself before others do, then I still ‘win’.
This self-criticism flares up once in a while and doesn’t let me do things. It’s an old habit I’ve formed over many years. I thought I was done away with it, but I guess it’s going to take a lot more than writing regularly. But hey, I’m working on it.
In the meanwhile, if I am critical of my self-criticism, am I not still being self-critical?
(I hope your mind is blown.)
I’ll see you next week,