Advice I decided to throw (or partially) throw away:
“Time will heal”
- I do not believe that time heals. Healing heals. I feel averse to statements such as, “Eventually you’ll get over it.” It is not only invaliding, but it can encourage and perpetuate the cycle of self-sabotage behaviours. I personally benefited a lot by addressing my role/lack of role in my healing. I think the belief that “time will heal” is rooted in another core belief that someone/something will come save you from what hurt you.
- This is not to say that healing should be done on your own. I’m a firm believer that healthy relationships are healing. But I also believe that we would benefit a lot by taking a more proactive approach to healing.
- Also, let’s say time does kinda heal, why wait? What are you waiting for?
“Just be positive”
- Sometimes things feel shitty and I will not be positive. There’s positivity, and then there’s toxic positivity. It becomes toxic when “being positive” is used as a defence mechanism against feeling big emotions. It is crucial to go through the emotional process to grow and heal. It’s so easy to fool ourselves by pretending that certain things don’t affect us. But I believe that there’s strength in admitting to when things do hurt, and allowing yourself to feel so that you can heal and grow. There’s strength in admitting that there are things outside of our control that affect us. I found that I’ve been able to thrive by allowing myself to go through the lows.
“The grass is greener on the other side”
- I do see that we can often engage in biases such as thinking that we will be happier when we reach an outcome or lose ‘X’ amount of weight, or when we finally accomplish something, or when we become successful (however you may define success), etc etc etc.
- BUT, personally, there have been situations when the grass was expected to be—and in fact—did turn out to be much greener on the other side. This is such a generic statement and it can actually feel so invalidating and isolating if you don’t really know what the person is going through. It’s also similar to the “just be positive” statement, because it’s so much harder to accept that someone may have gone through or is going through a tough, unavoidable, experience.
- It’s easier to believe that trauma, stress, illness, disease, or disaster is avoidable. It’s easier to believe that a stress that a person may be experiencing is self-inflicted so that we don’t have to deal with the reality that sometimes, shit happens.
- In conclusion, the grass is greener on the other side to an extent. But be wary when this statement is used as a barrier to empathy and connection.