This is a bit of a tough one to write.
In the past I’d sit down at my laptop, feel this resistance to writing it, and then promptly overcome it by downing some caffeine, flying through this changelog at mk10.
But I don’t have the luxury of that this time around.
Anyway, let’s get stuck into it.
Development this week was pretty decent. I won’t go over the details though because I’ve got a more pressing problem I’d like to talk about.
I’ve hit a bit of a wall with my motivation and I started getting a little nihilistic with the game I’m working on…
“If I’m just rushing to get this out, why bother making it look any better than it has to, why don’t I just do the bare minimum?”
For a few days there I thought this was because I was using Unity.
“All these premade Unity assets have sucked the fun out of this process for me, this entire project is one big dumpster fire of packages thrown together, fuck Unity, all my homies hate Unity.”
Which, to an extent, is kinda true.
I do miss the craftsmanship of C, but I have very deliberately walled myself off from that to ship fast. When I picked up Unity, I knew what I was getting myself into.
Quick n dirty, remember?
So that’s not the reason I’ve been feeling stuck this week.
It goes deeper than that.
You see, my plan was that by the 15th of May (when I leave for overseas) I would have a beautifully chaotic greenscreen devlog video uploaded about this game, and you’d be able to download it on Steam.
Now that’s only about 3 weeks away.
This has lit quite the fire under my ass and it’s becoming pretty clear that I won’t be able to do both of them well. Leading me to adopt a “what does it matter, this is just a throw away project for the sake of a YouTube video” attitude toward the game I’m currently working on.
Which is a fucking horrible mindset to have.
Yet, it’s very familiar to me. When making devlogs in the past, I noticed with almost every video (where the goal was to get views) this frame of mind would pop up like clockwork. Leading me to “make progress” just for the sake of something to show off in a YouTube video.
Because at the end of the day, I’m not really a game developer. I haven’t made a single game. I’m a YouTuber - that’s what I’ve built my existence around. That’s how I earn my money.
Here’s the problem though.
I don’t want to be a YouTuber, I want to be a game developer.
I want to make games from a place of sheer curiosity, passion, and excitement. I don’t want to make a game because I need it for “cOnTEnT”.
So I’m left with two options:
Scrap the devlog, quit YouTube right now and put 100% of my effort into making the game I want to make, trying my best to not starve.
Force myself through the devlog, pumping out a sub-par game for the sake of a video, and sub-par video for the sake of making money.
…or maybe there’s a third?
Here are my constraints:
- I want to finish this game on my own terms, without rushing it out
- I still want to make a chaotic greenscreen video, because it’s fun
- I won’t have access to a greenscreen beyond the 15th of may
- I’d like to not starve
I can see a third option in these.
Since I still want to get a video out by the 15th why don’t I just put the game on hold, switch into video mode and crank out one final devlog.
What would the devlog be on though?
Well, I’ve already done about ½ of the development process on this game, I can just start off with that. On the surface, this would seem like the regular devlog I intended to make all along.
Except I stop development right here.
Explaining my issues with using game development as a means for cOnTenT cREatIon
and that I can’t be a YouTuber and a game developer at the same time.
It’s a meta-devlog on why I won’t be doing devlogs anymore.
A conclusive ending.
Poetic in the sense that I actually set out to finish this game and make a full devlog on it, yet physically couldn’t bring myself to make anymore progress because I knew it was solely for the sake of a YouTube video.
I’m going to stop right here and pick the game back up on my own terms. Not as a content creator trying to suckle at the teats of the YouTube algorithm, but as a game developer.
I’m glad I consciously caught this, instead of just beating myself up due to lack of motivation and dragging myself through hell for the next 3 weeks.
If you’re not motivated to do something, there’s likely a reason behind it (this is one of my favourite podcast episodes of all time full stop, would highly recommend having a listen)