Dear Dunshire Residents,
My name is Rebecca Hickey, I’m the head lifeguard, manager, CEO, and president of the Dunshire Town Pool, and I am reaching out with a heavy heart and an open mind. I’m sure you’ve all seen the headlines on the news. “Local Pool Full of Lizards.” “CDC Shuts Down Changing Rooms After HPV Outbreak.” “Head Lifeguard Punches Hot Mom in the Face.” Well, we’ve seen them too. And—I give you my word—we’re finally going to do something about it.
Apologies are not enough. Words are not enough. We need action. As a town, we will stand together, united against the unfortunate circumstances that left the pool in such an unacceptable state. Frankly, we just don’t have a budget anymore. The funding for the equipment and maintenance that are necessary for the upkeep of a safe pool, such as lifeguard training and lizard poison, does not exist.
And sure, maybe it’s because on my first day I threw a six-figure bash to celebrate my promotion to Head Lifeguard. And sure, maybe I did fill the pool with Mike’s Hard Lemonade. And yeah, maybe I did wire Bono $500 to try to entice him to come. Do I regret not having any money for chlorine anymore? Yes. Do I regret that magical day? Not for a second. You all were there. You saw how special it was.
But the health inspector has informed me that “vibes” don’t keep pools open, so now we must focus on moving forward.
In addition to the health inspector and the police, some Dunshire residents have expressed that they believe there was a connection between my taking over the pool and the onset of this funding crisis. While I do now feel that my idea to, say, fill the pool with Mike’s Hard Lemonade was a flawed one, we are all to blame, equally, for the damage that has been done. Each member of the staff will have to re-examine the way they’ve been running things.
Take Ted Balsom, whom you might know from the concession stand. Well, we love Ted, but if he wants to keep his job, he’s going to have to stop scooping ice cream with his bare hands. Yes, all the ice cream scoopers we had did get sold to pay for a sick sound system—Pitbull has NEVER sounded better— but Ted’s still the one putting his grubby paws in your cream.
Or Melissa Chaplin, our groundskeeper. She set up the fog machine for the party, and even though it was my idea to fill the fog machine with, you guessed it, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, she probably should’ve said something like “no, that’s gross.” Or said it louder, anyway.
We at the Dunshire Town Pool know that accountability is important. It’s one thing for us to say we’re going to get rid of the floating DJ station I had installed in the center of the pool. It’s another thing to actually do it. And so, as proof of our commitment to making this little swimming hole a safe community space once again, we will drain the week-old Mike’s Hard Lemonade and refill the pool with something boring like water. While I would completely understand if this choice was disappointing to some of our cooler and more popular community members, it seems that the more vocal members at last night’s town meeting feel that it is a necessary change.
The town council has also requested that we create a website where members of the community can post questions, comments, and concerns, so that we can make the real changes and reforms that you want to see. Tired of that guy Warty Marty who I thought was Bono but was just wearing sunglasses and now he keeps trying to sell people his ADHD meds and he won’t leave? Hop on our website, log a complaint, and Marty will be gone by supper. Worried about bringing your kids to the pool ever since that lizard someone brought to the party turned out to be a baby alligator and then bit that one guy? Let us know. Community input is crucial to the running of a successful pool—if even three more people had simply just told me that it was a bad idea to fill a public pool with Mike’s Hard, I never would have done it.
And we’re going to need your help too, Dunshire. Even more important than commenting your concerns on our website, we are going to need you to keep coming to the pool. Because if you don’t, the rest of our funding will get pulled, and if that happens, you can say goodbye to next month’s Summer Rager Drink-O-Rama. As a matter of fact, the State Economic Agency has us on the top of their list of unprofitable public pools, as well as many other lists. So please, please keep coming. We need the Dunshire Town Pool to remain a community center. Because, if there’s one thing that’s worth risking a yeast infection for, it’s community.
Rebecca Hickey, Head Lifeguard at the Dunshire Town Pool, Former Mike’s Hard Lemonade Ambassador