It took me a few days extra to get this out but here we are in your inbox at last. How are you doing? I wish you’re feeling good and grounded, pursuing things that get you excited, with sufficient breaks to return to your peace.
A lover of learning, I’m practising quite a few things at the moment. TouchDesigner. Rollerskating. Academic writing. Tufting rugs. Perfecting my vegan energy ball recipe. But amongst the many things, the most difficult and important one I’m practising is showing up as myself (online).
As I take to writing what is only the 2nd edition of this new-newsletter, I’m met with some of the same resistance that made me quit it before. It’s not that I’m bored, or demotivated, or stuck. It’s my urge to take cover when feeling subpar; a flaw in my thinking that whispers it’s better not to show up at all than it is to show up as-is. On days I find it difficult to be with myself - the type of days this past month has been filled with - all I want to do is hide.
Yet every time I’m courageous enough to appear through the cracks, only light gets in. Reminding me that the world I now live in does not resemble the one my body is wired for; that this one holds perhaps plenty of space and wiggle room at the margins for my whole self to exist, to breathe, and to express.
I used to think of my best self as this performative version that’s positive, inspired, resilient, and generally easy to digest. Now I imagine her comfortable enough to show up simply as she is - tired, frustrated, sad, insecure, scared, doubtful - and brave enough to let others see her where she’s at as a raw snapshot in spacetime.
So here I am, a little up, a little down, struggling to find the excitement to propel me forward, exerting most my energy shifting negative inner dialogue, and making it through the days the best way I know how to with the heartening support of those I love.
I feel the need to affirm that I’m okay and not to worry. I just wanted to keep it real with you - YOU who decided to be on this list which means a lot to me, and some of you who have asked for more personal updates - because it’s reading reflections like these from others that I myself find strength, support, and solace in during these trying times.
Thank you for holding space x
Now scroll on down so I can share some nice things with you :)