View profile

☁️ Miles High Club ☁️ 🛒 Traitor Joes 🛒

Miles Klee
Miles Klee
Turn on that lava lamp. This is Miles High Club.

Nice to type at you fine people once again, here at the end of a long, weird week. The strangest highlight for me came at the dentist’s office, where, after some routine X-rays of my mouth, I got to see the images up on a big screen. I wish they wouldn’t do that — I’m not trying to know things about my skull. But, alarmingly, the dentist took it a step further.
The Kleevil Dead
got x-rayed at the dentist, he pointed out that i still have some root from a baby tooth and said (in his Russian accent) “you are carrying a piece of your childhood”😳 https://t.co/tW7OEZr2RG
Oh, okay. Nothing haunting about that. I’m informed that this situation mirrors the plot of the recent horror film Malignant, but since I forgot to watch before it went off HBO Max, I’m taking everyone’s word. And since this dentist didn’t scold me to floss more or upsell me on a night guard, I plan to keep going to him, creepy teeth revelations or no.
After my cleaning, I cheated on my regular grocery store by shopping at Whole Foods, a place I religiously avoid, as it happened to be right next door. The disloyalty cost me dearly, as I’m now addicted to their Thai curry cashews, though my guilt did remind me of a legendary post…
Traitor Joes
Trader Joe’s is another store I can’t stand, mostly because the people who rave about it seem roughly on par with Harry Potter fans. It’s a wack vibe.
Allow me to enter what I’ll call Exhibit A. (There will be no Exhibit B.)
Man, Craigslist Casual Encounters hit different. This is Hemingway-level compressed tragedy. I really think it could be the worst personal ad ever written, and it makes me glad that we have to wear masks in stores now, so that no fleeting facial expression of pity from a young woman can be turned into grist for a Mormon father’s mopey wank in the shower.
On the other hand, amazing to learn that dads are able to tune out two demanding children and a disagreeable infant when it’s time to notice a pair of nipples in the cookie aisle. The male brain is a marvel.
Bear in the Chair
U.K. readers, sorry about this next part. Everyone else, I’m dying to know how you initially read this headline:
The Mirror
Dad captures moment 43st bear breaks into family home and sits on son's chair
https://t.co/f7pBtjfkU9 https://t.co/WgcfV3JRYj
First of all, wow, the first gamer bear. Sign him to a esports team and watch the sponsorship deals roll in. Lot of money in this shit.
However, yes, I’m enjoying the way American literacy leads me to suppose that this is the 43rd bear to break into the home, but the Daily Mirror have whimsically opted to style him as the “forty-thirst” bear, or maybe the “forty-threest.” Either way, too many bears!
Ed
@DailyMirror @mexicanwilddog ..43st? forty thirst? you had 43 bears break into your apartment?? just give them the chair already, its not yours at this point
The “st,” as some more pretentious U.S. citizens will already be writing to tell me, is of course the abbreviation of “stone,” a British unit of weight equal to around 14 pounds. The sort of measurement you come up with when your civilization is known for building henges. Frankly, It doesn’t seem less silly than trying new number suffixes.
Name Game
When my parents named me “Miles” in 1985, it wasn’t a terribly popular name. But it’s become far more common since, which makes me feel like there is a veritable army of Younger Mileses training to defeat me in a gladiatorial arena someday. It’s disconcerting.
That’s why, though you may roll your eyes, I always appreciate newer, ever more rarefied names. That Seinfeld episode where George says he wants to name his kid “Seven”? He was on to something.
With that in mind, consider this pitch:
Granted, we’re looking at the subreddit r/lies, where nothing is true. Except doesn’t part of you believe that one day soon, there will be a school-aged child named Rectangle? My theory is that to merely joke about an outlandish name for a kid is to conjure it.
Let’s place bets on when the first Rectangle will be entered into the birth records. I say 2029, a couple years after the first Triangle, earlier than the first Trapezoid. Just sad to think how everyone’s gonna bully Square.
That’s it, friends, so ciao for now, as the Italians probably don’t say. Let me know whatever you’d like to get off your chest. I’m listening, and I love to write back. As always, the link to tip $3 per month is at the bottom of the email—my sincere thanks to all premium subscribers.
I’ll lob one of these stink-bombs into your inbox next Friday, and until then, you can find me at the bottom of the ocean.
Don’t miss out on the other issues by Miles Klee
Did you enjoy this issue? Yes No
Miles Klee
Miles Klee @milesklee

Internet nonsense and chill vibes.

You can manage your subscription here.
In order to unsubscribe, click here.
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Created with Revue by Twitter.