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☁️ Miles High Club ☁️ 🥸 The Mustache Haver 🥸

Miles Klee
Miles Klee
There’s no turning back now. This is Miles High Club.

It’s been another week packed with shitty news, but somehow, in the din of competing apocalypses, I stirred controversy by writing about how great it is to go to the bathroom without my phone, which used to accompany me whenever I went in there. Some readers were shocked to learn that anyone does look at their phone on the toilet; others said that it’s the only pleasure they have in this world. Fair enough! One person actually blocked me on Twitter for suggesting this little “life hack,” so tensions are running high.
Not taking it personally. Here’s Tired Ben Affleck as Doctor Strange.
Ah, takes the edge off. Now, what are we discussing today?
There's Something About Grimace
McDonald’s Canada was teasing a product a few days ago — to my surprise, it turned out to be spicy chicken nuggets, not a Big Mac topped with poutine — and of course everyone had jokes. Myself included.
McDonald’s🇨🇦
THE THING U HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR ARRIVES 08.31.2021
Mike Scollins
@McDonaldsCanada The execution of the Hamburglar for his crimes.
Miles (now with mustache)
@mikescollins @McDonaldsCanada Grimace would look so sick with an executioner's hood
Once I spoke this into the universe, I couldn’t stop imagining it. Maybe it’s the mound-like shape of Grimace’s head, ideally suited to a hood. Or the idea of him grinning benignly, with those soulless eyes, as he swings the axe. Incredibly, one artist had already taken a crack at the concept.
Not bad, but I knew it could be improved upon. So I paid another talented artist, Ethan Edward, to work up a new version. It was money well spent.
Miles (now with mustache)
a fond thank you to @evosketches for the level of execution here—i am proud to be your patron. now to get this image onto a tank top https://t.co/IOV4YS85nr
But Grimace’s other, medieval job was not his most shocking recent disclosure. Although usually regarded as some kind of nonrepresentational corporate blob, it turns out he’s supposed to be… a gigantic taste bud?
Very troubling stuff.
It gets worse. If Grimace is a taste bud, it means he can taste with his entire body. Grimace has also hugged Donald Trump. Ergo, Grimace found out what Trump tastes like. I doubt if he was ever the same after that.
Poor bastard.
Poor bastard.
The Mustache Haver
Okay, so, I gave myself a mustache. I would say it’s the longest I’ve had one apart from a week or two in college when I was trying to look like a trucker. I swear to god, in the early 2000s, “trucker” vibes were a must.
Well, here’s how the new ‘stache looks.
Hello.
Hello.
Is this legal? Am I stealing (more) gay valor? Not sure I know who I am with this thing. Also, I keep forgetting I have it. An informal poll on Twitter is showing that half my followers are in favor, while 20% indicated that they full-on “horny” over this reconfiguration of facial hair. Fascinating.
Guess I’ll keep it for now. It’s a good way to remind others that mustaches aren’t just for TV nice guys like Ned Flanders and Ted Lasso. Real-life slutty internet writers can have them too!
Tank Talk: Update
Last week, I asked for your help understanding what the hell is on one of my tank tops. And you delivered.
To refresh your memory, here’s the drawing:
???
???
Since the shirt advertises a defunct envelope company, it stood to reason this was an attempt at drawing equipment related to the business.
Carmen wrote from the U.K. with one possible answer, via her friend who owns a traditional letterpress printing shop:
“My initial thought is an envelope folding machine, they are usually long and low like that HOWEVER the big circle at the left looks more like a paper bag making machine. The circle might be a roll of paper (which is less likely for envelopes but usually for making paper bags off a giant kraft roll). The bit on the right could be for gumming envelopes.”
Carl, an amateur letterpress enthusiast himself, wrote from Michigan with another intriguing read on the illustration: “My theory is it is several presses and a type cabinet. First a Chandler & Price wheel operated press, then a Vandercook rolling press, and finally a type cabinet.”
He kindly provided visual aids for those of us who have never heard of any of those things. Thanks, Carl!
Hmm! I can’t say for certain whether Carl’s gotten closer than Carmen’s friend to the truth, but I know either explanation is way more convincing than my best guess, which was “an upside-down bicycle… some stuff.. and a crumpled garbage can.” Bravo to both detectives.
With that puzzler more or less solved, we can all get back to our lives. Thanks as always for reading; email me back with mustache grooming tips or about anything else you care to discuss, and remember you can always become a paying subscriber to the newsletter. Scroll down for the link.
See you when it’s Friday again, by which time I hope to have made further inroads into Brazilian social media with takes on the Muppet Babies.
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Miles Klee
Miles Klee @milesklee

Internet nonsense and chill vibes.

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