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☁️ Miles High Club ☁️ 👺 Goblin Mode 👺

Miles Klee
Miles Klee
You do realize this is Miles High Club, don’t you?

Greetings, clubbers, and congratulations on making it halfway through February, a month that should not exist and is quite possibly an affront to god. Not unlike the armored cockroach above. Or the Duolingo owl posting a TikTok about happily swimming in a pool after learning that Dua Lipa has peed in it, to an audience of 3 million followers. (Thanks to reader Ben for sending that, a crime for which he too will be judged.)
As for me? Lately I’ve reconsidered the “Feminist Ryan Gosling” meme craze from a decade ago, wondered how gigantic Jack Reacher should be and written in support of an animation legend fighting to get his due. I also had some heartfelt conversations regarding that Nicole Kidman commercial for AMC Theaters, which has gone from cringe to cult classic.
Anyway, no time for a segue here. Cue the pig.
Unholy Rites
One detail of 2020 that has stuck with me (i.e., a memory I was unable to obliterate with weed) is Fox News baselessly claiming that the defunct radical group Weather Underground, and, by extension, the protesters demanding justice for George Floyd that spring, wanted to “attack and dethrone god.” A patently amazing phrase, even if it wasn’t the plot of many Japanese video games. Which, to be clear, it is.
It’s part of some other games as well.
But how would an ordinary person go about dethroning god? I think you have to undermine Him right where He is strongest. At the foundation of His kingdom. Maybe you’d even become a priest… yes, an inside job.
You can’t tell me this wasn’t on purpose. Come on. It’s too perfect. Annulling thousands of baptisms because of the liturgical difference between “We baptize you” (wrong) and of “I baptize you” (right)?
No, friends. This is the perfect crime. Here is a man who knows how to attack and dethrone god. But you won’t hear him mentioned on Fox News, as Rupert Murdoch is too afraid to go after the Catholic Church. Loser!
For his next blasphemy, however, the padre should use a visual aid.
Sexual Reeling
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I’ve seen a few disturbing signs that America is entering a sexless phase. Like this headline:
26% of Americans ages 18 and up didn't have sex once over the past 12 months, according to the 2021 General Social Survey
And this anecdote…
And, finally, a much-ridiculed column arguing that leftists shouldn’t be polyamorous, since it is not “praxis.”
Novara Media
Rejecting normie coupledom is all the rage on the left, but polyamory isn't praxis, writes @chalravens.
What the heck, gang? Where did it all go wrong? Surely you were taught better than this. Why, some of the people in my life have recently leveled up to the sluttiest version of themselves, and it’s beautiful.
So the lack of boinking elsewhere is very depressing. I log on every morning to hear that everyone is fucking and sucking, and instead it’s “I gave up and deleted Tinder again.” Unacceptable. I feel it could have an astronomical explanation. Maybe the moon really is falling, like in that new movie I saw, The Moon That Couldn’t Stay Up.
Who not having sex tonight 😞🤚🏻
This is ominous. We’re already a country on the brink. President Biden must send free candles, poppers and lube to every household. We cannot end up as a country sending spam like this to every corner of the globe.
Also, it’s a fact that functioning polycules are communism done right — sorry, it’s right there in the theory. That still doesn’t mean I approve of them posting the play-by-play of their orgies on Reddit. There’s a line.
Goblin Mode
You couldn’t turn around this week without hearing about the promise and perils of “goblin mode.” In the most reductive definition, this means “acting like a little goblin.” In practice, it’s so much more.
First came a Reddit confession from a confirmed goblin. Note that while skulking around your home crowing over little tidbits you find is an inherently wholesome activity, there is a stigma attached — the goblin does not wish to be exposed to outsiders who may not understand them.
Meanwhile, Julia Fox and Kanye West broke up. (Stay with me here.) All the usual celeb rags reported on it, with plenty of speculation as to the cause of the split. Then Twitter genius @meowmeowmeuw doctored one of these headlines to lay the blame on Fox’s habit of going “goblin mode.”
My melted blogger brain immediately picked up on the use of both single and double quotes in the headline — a strong hint that this headline was fake, as if “goblin mode” weren’t enough of a giveaway. But I checked the website to confirm. Apparently, so did a writer for yet another culture site, The Focus, who decided, on no evidence, that the piece had simply been revised after the fact to remove any mention of “goblin mode.”
Though @meowmeowmeuw fairly interpreted this as a lesson in how easy it is to create fake news — and Julia Fox is probably aware of it at this point — there’s a different way to interpret the virality of the joke. I see a populace not only easily duped but dying to unleash their inner goblins.
We want to do the raspy voice. We yearn to cackle. We’d love to have a dark, smelly cave to call our own. Seems to me that in the fantasy epics, the goblins usually have it pretty good: staying out of major battles, declining to go on foolhardy quests, focusing on the shiny objects that delight them, etc. After the endless turmoil of the past few years, goblin life sounds like just the ticket. Sign me up.
“can you explain this gap on your resume?”

ya that’s when I was in goblin mode
Mr. E-Ape
thinkin about how someone i used to hook up with called cowgirl position "goblin mode"
Thanks for reading Miles High Club, you goblin. As always, please share your goblin thoughts by replying to this message, or by sending some kind of magic goblin mail. I don’t know how goblins like to do it. And if you want to toss me a few precious golden coins for writing this newsletter, you can keep scrolling until you find the link to tip $3 a month. Thanks!
Be well, stay safe, and most importantly, hava.
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Miles Klee
Miles Klee @milesklee

Internet nonsense and chill vibes.

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