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☁️ Miles High Club ☁️ 🏎️ deGrasse and the Furious 🏎️

Miles Klee
Miles Klee
All rise for the National Anthem… D4L’s “Laffy Taffy.” This is Miles High Club.

Folks, I’ve returned from the wilderness, and I can again confirm that it is our greatest defense against the impulse to log on. Allow me to illustrate the difference between plugged-in city life and my mountain retreat:
How it usually is.
How it usually is.
How it was, for a weekend.
How it was, for a weekend.
Why come back from such a paradise to the squalor of social media, you ask? Firstly, to flex with vacation pics (check). Secondly, in order to ensure that I don’t miss crucial lessons of this sort:
Danny Bate
Nobody asked for this, but here's an etymological diagram showing how the word 'fascism' is related to the word 'fajita'. https://t.co/do9pi8kQYi
It goes to show you that no grilled meat is free of sin. Something to remember this Fourth of July, when you’re celebrating “democracy.”
Moving on…
Dirty Harry Potter
For a franchise that purports to follow the noble “heroes” of the wizarding world, J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter universe feels increasingly cursed in every way except financial. The longtime fans are being roasted by Gen Z on TikTok, struggling with their referential tattoos now that Rowling is a vocal anti-trans lunatic, and have yet to recover from learning that students at Hogwarts used to shit in the hallways.
Wizarding World
Hogwarts didn't always have bathrooms. Before adopting Muggle plumbing methods in the eighteenth century, witches and wizards simply relieved themselves wherever they stood, and vanished the evidence. #NationalTriviaDay
But! Never underestimate the limits of cringe. At least a handful of Potter obsessives are still happy to signal their loyalty in ways you or I would never have imagined. And if you did guess “customized handguns,” well, you’re even more jaded than I am.
Not sure how reincarnation is supposed to work, I just know that anyone killed with this weapon better get a complete life do-over:
Can't wait for open carry day at Universal Studios.
Can't wait for open carry day at Universal Studios.
At the very least, we have to hope that the artist hated themselves the entire time they were engraving this. Even funnier, though, is a decade-old essay on Reddit’s r/guns where a guy sincerely argues that Harry Potter should have carried an M1911 pistol because, according to his beautiful mind, all the ultra-powerful, dark-magic monsters and villains had an overlooked vulnerability: “good ol’ American hot lead.”
It goes on, but we don't have all day here.
It goes on, but we don't have all day here.
How long before a shootout erupts at a Quidditch game? That regular-ass broomstick isn’t ideal for a getaway.
deGrasse and the Furious
Speaking of horrific nerds, Neil deGrasse Tyson, the astrophysicist and science ambassador never held to account for multiple allegations of sexual misconduct and assault, has once again ramped up his ill-advised tweeting, specifically on the subject of extraterrestrials.
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Space Aliens would surely think it odd that one way humans express affection is the simultaneous exchange of saliva.
Thank you, Dr. Unwanted Advances, for pointing out that kissing is weird. This is the kind of post-bong-rip insight we demand from our public intellectuals. Tyson’s true passion, however, is nitpicking science-fiction movies in so tedious a fashion that you can practically read the pages of his own stilted, smug and mercifully unproduced screenplay.
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Note to HOLLYWOOD:

A Space Alien with no DNA in common with life on Earth should look more different from life on Earth than **any** two life forms on Earth look from each other.
This is a fairly generic complaint—so broad, in fact, that it seems as if Tyson is holding back from attacking a current cinematic target. (Spoilers follow.) In F9, the latest installment of The Fast and the Furious series, the Family launches a Pontiac Fiero, piloted by Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris, into orbit above Earth, making good on an old joke that eventually the movies would travel to space. NASA was consulted for the sequence, and a number of physicists have since been interviewed as to its plausibility.
Notably, Tyson has not been among them.
Cousin Sally Rooney
F9 is a movie without flaws. Please do not let Neil deGrasse Tyson see this film
Tyson’s silence thus far does not put me at ease; to the contrary, I believe he is amassing the elements of perhaps his most annoying film take ever. Here are a few potential comments I can foresee:
“Why would the Family task Roman, arguably its least competent member, with command of an experimental rocket? Moreover, if we assume his height to be equal to Tyrese Gibson’s, i.e., 5'11”, he is impractically tall for a mission in such a small spacecraft.“
"Not only would Tej and Roman never survive deliberately crashing into a satellite while 50 miles above the surface of our planet, but their bodies would be liquified in those rubber scuba suits before the Pontiac disintegrated upon reentry into the atmosphere.”
“When, in the theater, I stood up and loudly explained that the loose candy wrappers would damage the vehicle’s instrument panels, leading to catastrophic system failure, I was booed and pelted with popcorn, along with half-finished sodas. Never before has society been so anti-science.”
Which will it be? More importantly, can Neil hope to surpass this genius post from last year?
Neil deGrasse Tyson
The film “A Marriage Story” (2019) should instead have been named “A Divorce Story” https://t.co/5mKGgCzb08
Must be tough being this smart.
Life of a Salesman
Lastly this week, I’d like to recognize some outstanding work by a friend of the newsletter, writer and podcaster Rick Paulas, who has kept up a tireless promotional campaign the rest of us have to envy.
30 tweet sponcon thread about dippin dots
seeing a @RickPaulas eastern span plug under a tweet is like the inverse version of the Nintendo Seal of Quality on a game package
Once upon a time, under viral tweets, you’d find the user advertising their creative pursuits: “check out my SoundCloud” was the standard. Nowadays, those with successful tweets will take $50 from a sketchy brand to follow up with an ad for “galaxy lights.”
Paulas, in direct contrast to this coattails marketing, uses other people’s bad, Ratio-baiting or lightning-rod-type posts as a springboard to sell his self-published novel, Eastern Span.
Jake Tapper
"When I was a Navy pilot, the rule if you're lost is to climb, conserve, and confess. Get some altitude. Take a deep breath, and get on the radio and say you're lost.”

— Donald Rumsfeld
Rick Paulas
@jaketapper Lol your dumb ass is gonna get roasted. Eastern Span, a neo-noir set in Oakland circa 2013. $20. Venmo (Rick-Paulas) or PayPal (rickpaulas@gmail). DMs open. https://t.co/FBDRMpblGN
Aydan
What is the least skillful popular sport?

I was thinking it had to be baseball?
Rick Paulas
@aydan lmao Anywho Eastern Span, a neo-noir set in Oakland circa 2013. $20. Venmo (Rick-Paulas) or PayPal (rickpaulas@gmail). DMs open. https://t.co/lA90NIqlyW
Kevin Sorbo
The American flag but with 49 stars because… California https://t.co/IgwOIlNOP5
Rick Paulas
@ksorbs Great tweet as always Kev. Eastern Span, a neo-noir set in Oakland circa 2013. $20. Venmo (Rick-Paulas) or PayPal (rickpaulas@gmail). DMs open. https://t.co/HP0ACI3bHr
As a calling card, it’s tough to beat: Rick doesn’t have to dunk on losers who hardly deserve the effort, and in the meantime, he’s moving copies. Virally stupid opinions that otherwise take up oxygen are transformed into involuntary endorsements of his work. Let’s face it: no traditional publisher could invent a shameless gimmick like getting Eastern Span‘d.
Rick Paulas
Just ran the numbers again and I’ve sold 75 books through my dumb reply tweets lmao.
Make that 76 books, Rick—I’ll be purchasing my copy today. Your commitment is an inspiration, and your boilerplate replies are a necessary stain on the most tiresome dolts clogging up the internet.
Now, sadly, it’s time to say goodbye. Don’t forget to send along any tips, comments, corrections, queries or requests. I assure you these are the only emails I open with excitement!
Also, Miles High Club has a tip jar: $3 per month keeps me caffeinated enough to type, and what were you going to spend it on, anyway? Big League Chew? Don’t be ridiculous. Upgrade to premium membership!
To play us off, here’s a montage of Harry Potter scenes edited to give everyone guns instead of wands. It really is better.
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Miles Klee
Miles Klee @milesklee

Internet nonsense and chill vibes.

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