but how will not having a planet impact the economy???
My mom used to drive me to school in her pajamas and then return home and go back to bed. This is my origin story.
Ocasio-Cortez: “I have less than $7,000 in my savings account.” Most of NYC: “Stop bragging.”
One thing the internet has taught me is we all want to see a goose and a dog hanging out together yet we’re disgusted by any human being who disagrees with us politically.
The most dangerous thing for a comedian is a joke that “really works on the road.”
LA Times: “Trump has retreated into a cocoon of bitterness and resentment.” First reaction: Can I buy one of those on Amazon?
People think dudes with shaved heads are either a skinhead, a cop, or a Marine. That sucks for me because I’m a Jew who loves psychedelics and is scared of the ocean.
Nothing is whiter than when white people refer to tzatziki as “white sauce.”
EVERY city is a “sanctuary city” because cities are where people who grow up in rural areas go to escape the people they grew up around. They are for refugees running away from the tyranny of cargo shorts, pickup trucks, homophobia, and conversations about high school football.
“It’s a Jewish conspiracy.” Please. Have you ever been in a room full of Jews? We can’t even agree on which appetizers to order.
Attends Buddhist lecture on mindfulness and concludes, “I am 100% responsible for my own suffering. It all stems from how I relate to my experiences. The world owes me nothing.” Reads social media and concludes, “I am 0% responsible for my own suffering. It all stems from things that happened to me. I deserve better.”
Trump can’t be anti-semitic because his daughter is Jewish. Also, he can’t hate immigrants because his wife is –– wait a minute.
“You’re a comedian. Why aren’t you saying something funny?” “You’re a civilian. Why arent you saying something civil?”