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The Matt Ruby Newsletter - Issue #5

BEACH WEEK!!!!!! Let's go...
The Matt Ruby Newsletter - Issue #5
By Matt Ruby • Issue #5 • View online
BEACH WEEK!!!!!! Let’s go…

Parents
My dad was a hardcore Reagan Republican and my mom was an ultraliberal hippie and they were together for over 40 years. So I’ve got a message for everyone out there with opposing political viewpoints: Don’t get married. It’s mostly gonna be a lot of tense dinners.
Death Threats
“I’ve received death threats!” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in line. Death threats ain’t what they used to be. You got a dude outside your house with a gun? Ok, I’m scared for ya. But if it’s just some online nonsense, that ain’t reality. THAT IS THE INTERNET. The whole internet is a lie. No one is coming for you. I refuse to pretend you’re in mortal danger simply because it suits our culture’s incessant yearning for a narrative of self-pity. I don’t believe an anonymous, online death threat is actually threatening for the same reason I don’t think that woman in a bikini who friends me on Facebook and starts posting on my wall is really a fan of Oakley sunglasses.
Bingo
Let’s say you have a kid. And Chuck Grassley showed up as the driver of the carpool to take your kid to school. Would you let your child be driven around by 85 year old Chuck Grassley? Hell no. Well, democracy is our country’s baby. And I’m tired of it being driven around by old folks who I wouldn’t let operate a motor vehicle. I don’t want 85yo Dianne Feinstein in charge of anything. I don’t think 84yo Orrin Hatch can dress himself. I can’t stomach looking at Chuck Schumer’s bifocals perched at the end of his nose or Nancy Pelosi’s face that can’t move or Mitch McConnell’s neck flap while knowing they get to decide the fate of our country. If that makes me ageist, so be it. I’m tired of living under the tyranny of geezers who couldn’t care less what happens to this country’s future because they won’t be around for it. They should be running Bingo night, not our democracy.
Trauma
“Trauma at an extremely young age can have unseen ramifications later on in one’s life. So is it possible that ritual circumcision explains why Jewish men are so anxious and neurotic? I’ve seen dogs on The Dog Whisperer who bark incessantly at skateboarders because of things that happened when they were a puppy. Well, every Jewish man is terrorized within one week of arriving on the planet – seems entirely logical that we’re a bit jumpy. Just be glad we don’t bark at skateboarders!” 
-Me before Yom Kippur service proving I’m bad at small talk
Hot Flashes by Matt Ruby
Quickies
It’s times like these that make me pretty happy no one ever invited me to a party in high school.
Dating outside NYC: “I’m not sure if I’m ready for you to meet my parents.” NYC dating: “I’m not sure if I’m ready for you to meet my doorman.”
Wellness people are “healthy” the way comedians are “happy.”
When it comes to astrological signs, Capricorn is the GOAT.
Are you fighting with someone online? Congratulations, you’ve helped venture capitalists figure out how to monetize rage and anger. That’s sure to end well for society!
Tickets for The 11th Annual Schtick or Treat | TicketWeb - Knitting Factory - Brooklyn in Brooklyn, US
Repped by Lavin
Cool, I’m now repped by The Lavin Agency, which books fancypants “thinkers, writers, and doers for speaking engagements.” Kinda wild to be listed alongside Patti Smith, Margaret Atwood, and Sir Salman Rushdie…I feel like a real coastal elite! And “Ruby” name means I’m listed right next to Rushdie so maybe I’ll get his spillover bookings/knighthoods/fatwas.
What’s a joker like me doing in this company? Well, I guess you’d say I do startup standup. I show up in character at conferences (or wherever) as an idiot tech world CEO from Vooza that has the secret sauce to startup glory. Imagine if Sacha Baron Cohen gave a TED Talk in character as a Steve Jobs wannabe. Best part is I tell them not to intro me as a comedian so I get to slowly watch people realize I won’t actually help them become a unicorn. 🦄🦄🦄🤷‍♂️
Here is my page at Lavin site with more info/clips to videos.
Ready for Fashion Week!
Ready for Fashion Week!
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