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The Matt Ruby Newsletter - Issue #4

Let's get into it...
The Matt Ruby Newsletter - Issue #4
By Matt Ruby • Issue #4 • View online
Let’s get into it…

Ego machine
Smartphones are ego machines. As soon as you start using one, you become the center of the universe.
The other people at the coffeeshop don’t matter, YOU are talking on the phone.
The other pedestrians don’t matter, YOU are looking at Google Maps.
The other audience members don’t matter, YOU received a text message.
Opposing viewpoints don’t matter, the people you follow on social media agree with YOU.
When someone puts their phone on the table at a meal, it is a challenge: “Are you more interesting than this device that is all about me?”
Notice what happens when someone puts in their headphones. They immediately lose the ability to notice when someone is behind them or trying to pass them. We wear blinders (deafers?) 24/7 now.
We’ve lost all sense of community, pluralism, and “we are in this together” since the introduction of the iPhone in 2007 and it’s not a coincidence.
These are not iPhones. These are iMeMyPhones
Reserve tix at Comedy Cellar site for my 9/16 co-headlining show with Anthony Devito.
Safari
Earlier this summer, I went on safari in Tanzania and Rwanda. This is what happened. With photos too.
The media
“I’m a journalist.”
“That’s cool. What’s your beat?”
“I collect people’s tweets, publish them altogether in one place, and then make sweeping generalizations based on the tweets I picked.”
“Oh, um, cool.”
“Anyway, I wish people had more respect for journalism these days.”
Bad poetry
i love the recorded phone calls of trump talking to omarosa and bob woodward. he’s such a goddamn wimp. all that bluster in those airport hangar rabblerousing pep rallies and then on the phone he’s all sad and victimy and has no agency over his own life and decisions. he sounds like me trying to explain to a friend why i missed his poetry reading that i never really wanted to go to anyway: “oh, that was last night. no one told me. no one ever tells me anything. kellyanne, why didn’t you tell me jeff’s poetry reading was last night. you know how much i love poetry!”
Also, this is how my summer is going.
Also, this is how my summer is going.
Flower crown
Music festivals are for suckers who don’t actually like music. You should go see bands/DJs you like in small venues where you can actually enjoy them instead of treating art like the Mall of America just because you like taking molly while wearing a flower crown.
America is too in love with one-stop shopping. “I need my Tiesto next to my Sunglass Hut next to my Enimem next to my Abercrombie and Fitch next to my Beyonce next to my Best Buy.” Jesus Christ, make two trips. This is no way to treat art.
Those posters that list every act at these fests always crack me up. “What kind of music do you like?” “All of it!” “Great, that’s what we have here. All the music! That’s why this poster looks like an eye chart!”
Capitalism wants you to think that efficiency is better but it’s actually slashing away at our souls. Pick one thing and do that instead of trying to get it all in. Life doesn’t need to be a Vegas buffet. Your plate doesn’t need to hold shrimp cocktail, chicken skewers, egg rolls, steak, and a cronut. Pick a lane. We’re trapped inside a diminishing returns black hole just so Live Nation, AEG Live, and SFX can maximize returns for shareholders. Get out!
I discovered a new way to measure jokes: good = laughter, better = applause break, best = dude who likes joke so much he spills his wine all over his shirt…
Quickies
How long do you have to live in NYC before you can call yourself a real New Yorker? Some people say it’s 10 years…but I think it’s whenever you start going to therapy.

I feel the same way about lip injections as I do about paper straws: I appreciate what you’re going for but clearly we haven’t figured out how to do them right yet.
So for now at least…
plastic straws 👍
plastic lips 👎

You know who came back to performing in public too soon? Every Catholic priest.

“did the pope know about child sex abuse in the church?” um, i hope so. i knew about it and i’m not even catholic.

Things change…
10 years ago: “I want my soulmate”
5 years ago: “I want a good partner”
Now: “I want someone who will check me for ticks”
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Matt Ruby

The Matt Ruby Newsletter: The latest from NYC comedian/author Matt Ruby.

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