I feel like these people who love Jesus and hate socialists haven’t read the Bible very carefully.
You know how New Year’s Eve is for amateurs who never drink? April Fool’s Day is the same thing but for people who aren’t funny.
Single people are in relationship shuffle mode. Married people are into vinyl.
We’re not addicted to drugs. We just vape and drink CBD lattes and watch Netflix 9 hours a day. #cleanliving
can’t use Tinder because of those sponsored ones they throw up every once in a while that force my brain to consider, for a split second, whether or not i want to have sex with Burger King
crazy how much mental energy in the 80s was wasted pretending Michael Jackson, George Michael, and Freddie Mercury were straight
good news: the people who hate you are not your target market anyway
i liked it better when i didn’t know about everything
People who talk a lot about vaping should be called “Vapids.”
Jews don’t like Burning Man because 1) we’ve already spent way too much time trying to get out of a desert and 2) it’s tough to wear glasses and goggles at the same time.
“We need more drone shots!” -the director of every documentary
Keeping shoes in your oven seems totally insane unless you live in New York City.