View profile

The Matt Ruby Newsletter - Issue #11

Big week of HOT SOUP shows. Tonight at our new Tuesday night venue Printers Alley, Wednesday at NY Co
The Matt Ruby Newsletter - Issue #11
By Matt Ruby • Issue #11 • View online
Big week of HOT SOUP shows. Tonight at our new Tuesday night venue Printers Alley, Wednesday at NY Comedy Club (4th St.), and Friday night at NY Comedy Club (24th St.). Full details on all shows here. I’ll also be in Fairfield, CT earlier on Friday night opening up for Judy Gold. On with the show…

Quickies
I feel like these people who love Jesus and hate socialists haven’t read the Bible very carefully.
You know how New Year’s Eve is for amateurs who never drink? April Fool’s Day is the same thing but for people who aren’t funny.
Single people are in relationship shuffle mode. Married people are into vinyl.
We’re not addicted to drugs. We just vape and drink CBD lattes and watch Netflix 9 hours a day. #cleanliving
can’t use Tinder because of those sponsored ones they throw up every once in a while that force my brain to consider, for a split second, whether or not i want to have sex with Burger King
crazy how much mental energy in the 80s was wasted pretending Michael Jackson, George Michael, and Freddie Mercury were straight
good news: the people who hate you are not your target market anyway
i liked it better when i didn’t know about everything
People who talk a lot about vaping should be called “Vapids.”
Jews don’t like Burning Man because 1) we’ve already spent way too much time trying to get out of a desert and 2) it’s tough to wear glasses and goggles at the same time.
“We need more drone shots!” -the director of every documentary
Keeping shoes in your oven seems totally insane unless you live in New York City.
Documentaries
I’m tired of these documentaries that seem like they’re about one thing and then they completely shift direction on you. It’s like “This documentary is about twins. Actually, they’re triplets and they run a restaurant. Actually, the CIA is keeping aliens in captivity at SeaWorld and that’s how the AIDS epidemic started and Henry Kissinger knew all about it…” It’s like, whoa, YOU HAD ME AT TRIPLETS RUNNING A RESTAURANT. JUST KEEP IT THERE.
Video games
The amount of grown adults playing video games while riding the subway always blows me away. I’m not talking about one of those fancy cinematic games set in the Old West or whatever. It’s always these games that are just baby food for your brain. This woman to my right has been guiding blocks across a screen for the past 35 minutes and I just want to tell her if she likes stacking boxes that much, she should go work at an Amazon warehouse and at least make some money off it. And this dude to my left has sliced so much fruit with a sword he should be head chef at Benihana.
Inspiration
I made a Spotify playlist of standup bits I love from folks like Carlin, Norm, Bamford, Rock, Oswalt, Hedberg, Birbigs, Patrice, Giraldo, Stanhope, etc. Here’s the link.
Hotel towels
Sick of hotels pretending they are environmentalists on those signs in bathrooms: “Hilton is committed to preserving and protecting natural resources, we invite you to join our efforts.” Join your efforts!? Like you’re f*cking Greenpeace! 😂 You just don’t want to wash my towels because it means you’d have to pay your immigrant workforce a living wage which will hurt profits and we all know it. Just say that instead of tryna guilt trip me with your whole “We don’t have to wash your towels but, y'know, if you hate the rainforest we’ll do it” bit. Just be an evil multinational corporation and own that sh*t instead of making me participate in this charade because I’ve never heard a convo like this: “Who’s the activist in that dingy stopping this oil tanker from docking?” “Oh, that’s the CEO of Hilton. He loooooves dolphins.”
Did you enjoy this issue?
Matt Ruby

The Matt Ruby Newsletter: The latest from NYC comedian/author Matt Ruby.

If you don't want these updates anymore, please unsubscribe here
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here
Powered by Revue