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Weekly newsletter of Loz - Issue #27

Weekly newsletter of Loz
Weekly newsletter of Loz
Tobegintheinquiry,wehavedistinguishedanewentitythatpersonifiesthetogethernessofyouandmeandothers.Itemergesinthewaymusicemergesfromindividualnoteswhenaphraseisplayedasonelongline,inthewayalandscapecoalescesoutofthemulticoloredstrokesofanImpressionistpaintingwhenyougetsomedistance,andinthewayafamilycomesintobeingwhenafirstchildisborn.Itsaysweareourcentralselvesseekingtocontribute,naturallyengaged,foreverinadancewitheachother.Itpointstorelationshipratherthantoindividuals,tocommunicationpatterns,gestures,andmovementratherthantodiscreteobjectsandidentities.Thispracticepointsthewaytoakindofleadershipbasednotonqualificationsearnedinthefieldofbattle,butonthecouragetospeakonbehalfofallpeopleandforthelonglineofhumanpossibility.Listenandlookfortheemergingentity.Gotothestore!shesaid,addressingmeimperiouslywhilegazingoffintothedistance.GotothestoreandgetmewhatIwant.Istifledasmile,anddidproperhomagetothesolemnnatureoftherequest.Yes,yourmajesty,Ireplied,bowing.Ileftherintheroomtowaitformeandcrossedthestreettothelittlecornerstore.Iwasenjoyingthegame,particularlybecauseIpridedmyselfonmysensitivityinfindingtherightthingsforpeople.Thiswouldsolidifyourrelationship,Ithought,wearingmytherapisthatandtakingmyselfquiteseriously.Iperusedtheshelves.Whatwouldshewant?Shewasn’tajunkfoodsortofgirl.AfatcanofDintyMooreBeefStewarrestedmyeye,momentarily.Thenmygazeroamedoverthesodasandjuicesintherefrigeratedsectionandreturnedtothecannedfoods.IselectedtheDintyMoore.Intheroomwiththeblueshagrugandthesimplewhitecurtains,Victoriastoodpoised,herheadcocked,staringatthepaperbaginmyhand.ThenallatonceIrealized,Iamathermercy.Irealizedwewereatacriticalpointinthenarrative.Shewasgoingtodeclarewhowewere,whetherweweretogetherormilesapart.CourageouslyIfacedher.Bravelyshefacedmeback.Shetookthebag,openeditcarefully,andextractedthecanofDintyMoore.Oh,MissStone,shesaid,reliefsuffusingherface.Theassumptionisthatpeoplearesingular,constantbeingswhosestateddesiresareforalltime.Soitfollowsthatsomewillwinandsomewilllose,andneitherarelikelytogetalltheywant.Itencouragesustoexaggerateourpositionsandkeepbacksomeofthetruth,anditpushesusintooffensiveanddefensivepositions,sothatwearealltoosoonhandingoutultimatumsandguardingourturf.Itassumestherearenofixedwantsnorstaticdesires,whileeverythingeachofusthinksandfeelshasaplaceinthedialogue.Hesays,GivemearaiseorI’mquittingmyjob.Hisemployerpassesthebuck,ortriestoappeasehim,orliestohim,ortriestogethimtoputoffactingonhisdecision.Oftenjusttheuseofthewordwecanshiftthedirectionthingstakes.Hesays,We’reapparentlybothhappywithmywork,andIsenseourloyaltyismutual.Yetthissalarydoesn’tsupporttheothercommitmentsinmylife.Shesays,GetthatwomanoutofyourlifeorIwillleavethismarriage.Heliestoher,ortriestoappeaseher,ortriestogethertochangehermindtogivehimmoretime.Shesays,Iammiserablewiththissituation,andIbelieveyouaretoo.I’msoangryIdon’tknowwhattodo.Traditionalmethodsofresolvingconflict,alltheI/Youapproaches,tendtoincreasethelevelofdiscordbecausetheyattempttosatisfythedichotomouspositionspeopletake,ratherthanprovidingthemeansforpeopletobroadentheirdesires.I/Youmethodsdeprivepeopleoftheopportunitytowishinclusively.Itasksyoutotrustthattheevolutionyousetinmotionwillserveyouoverthelongline.MysisterandIbecameguardedwitheachotherintheweeksandmonthsafterourmotherdied.Idon’tthinkeitherofushadahandleonwhatitwasabout,butI,inmycharacteristicway,waseagertorollupmysleevesandironoutsomeissueswithher.She,lessgiventoargument,preferredtokeepherdistance.ManyisthetimeIdrovethroughthestreetsofBostonpresentingmycaseinthemostcogenttermstoafullcourtroomjustbeyondthedashboard,whileshewassafelyclosetedastateaway.AlltheenergyIhadbeenexpendingtoshapeapersuasiveargumentwasactuallypropellingusapart.AndImissedher—acutely.IthoughtthatifIcouldjustseeherwesurelycouldfindsomesolutions.SoIcalledher,andinvitedmyselftoherhouseforbreakfast,andgotupinthedarkandwasdowninConnecticutbyseven.ThereinthekitcheninhernightgownIfoundher,lookinglikemyfavoritesisterinalltheworld.WetalkedgailywhilewedrankblackItaliancoffee,andthenwetookalongmorningwalkdowntheleafydirtroadsofAshford,Connecticut,whileherchocolateLab,Chloe,ranaheadandcameback,ranaheadandcameback,inlongarcsofperpetualmotion.Whatdidwetalkabout?Thearchitecture,andthecountryside,andthecatsthatChloewaseagertovisitatthefarmahead.Werevisitedscenesfeaturingourhilariousmother.Wetalkedaboutmywork,andaboutapapershewasabouttopresent.Didweresolvetheissues?Obviouslynot,buttheissuesthemselvesarerarelywhattheyseem,nomatterwhatpainsaretakentoverifythescoreboard.Wewalkedtogether,movedourarms,becamejoyousinthesunlight,andbreathedinthemorning.Atthatmomenttherewerenobarriersbetweenus.Andfromthatplace,Ifeltourdifferencescouldeasilybespoken.Mydisagreementswithmysisterwerebutblipsonourscreencomparedtothehostilitiesindividualsandnationsarecapableofwhenanger,fear,andthesenseofinjusticeareallowedtodevelopunchecked.Puttingthingsasidethenbecomesquiteadifferentmatter.Attheapexofdesperationandrage,weneedanewinventiontoseeusthrough.Thehusband,whohadresistedcomingtothesessioninthefirstplace,hadretreatedtothefarthestcorneroftheoffice,albeitonlyafewfeetaway.

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Weekly newsletter of Loz
Weekly newsletter of Loz

Weekly newsletter of Loz

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