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This Year’s Winners at CricketTech - The Leading Cricket Technology Conference

This Year’s Winners at CricketTech - The Leading Cricket Technology Conference
By Dan Liebke • Issue #47 • View online

Grand Prize Winners
Outstanding Innovation in Player Technology - UmpireTrust™ Classic Glove and Bat Combo
Remember the days before Snicko and Hot Spot (and their generic brand equivalents)? The glory days of cricket when a batter could feather one behind and get away with it should they be sufficiently stone-faced not to betray their errant touch on the ball, and brave enough to stare the umpire down despite the fevered braying of the bowler and slips cordon? 
Those days are back! Turn that ‘out’ into ‘the benefit of the doubt’ with UmpireTrust™’s Classic Glove and Bat Combo.
Once paired, the noise-cancelling chip in the thumb of the gloves will detect a ball striking the edge of the bat. UmpireTrust™’s patented Play’n’Miss AI will then generate an inverted sound wave of the precise frequency necessary to negate the sound of the nick. 
From there, the relative speeds of sound and light and close proximity of the gloves to the edge of the bat combine to get the job done. The absence of sound waves not only makes the feathered chance inaudible to human ears but also to any technology the third umpire may wish to deploy.
Plus, UmpireTrust™’s famous CoolEdge bat technology is now 34% faster! Any edge on the bat is detected and instantly cooled - in more than 80% of cases, in between frames of any Hot Spot (or Hot Spot-like) technology. 
Worried that the AI might kick in and deny you salvation from an edge onto your pads in an LBW shout? Worry no longer. Detailed analysis of tens of thousands of such edges means that UmpireTrust™’s world-famous Play’n’Miss AI is now capable of entering Inside Edge Mode.
Once in Inside Edge Mode, sophisticated heuristics and groundbreaking new WarmEdge technology will combine to provide the evidence most likely to keep you at the crease, based on the UmpireTrust™ algorithm’s determination of whether the inside edge has flown through to the keeper or gone on to thump the pads. 
Fight technology with technology. 
UmpireTrust™ Classic Glove and Bat Combo - All’s fair in glove and bats
Outstanding Innovation in Officiating Technology - Tell-All Telepathy Helmets (and associated Gizmotive Device)
Is that a dead ball or a leg bye? A valid LBW shout or not? 
Too often, cricket decisions rely on umpires inferring the intent of the batter and whether they were playing a genuine shot.
It is an unreasonable requirement. Umpires are not telepaths or philosophers or gods.
Or, at least, they weren’t.
Thanks to modern technology, it is now possible for umpires to truly understand the motivations of the batters, thanks to the Tell-All Telepathic Helmet. 
Trained on 30,000 net-hours of Jedi leaves to reverse sweeps and everything in between, the Tell-All Telepathic Helmet uses EEG technology to measure electrical activity in the brain via small electrodes on the inside of the helmet. From there, the signals are transmitted to the umpire’s pocket-sized Gizmotive Device, which uses neural network technology to convert those signals into a simple ‘playing a shot’ or ‘not playing a shot’ decision.
Say goodbye to unearned leg byes. Know the line on whether it matters that batters when struck outside the line.
Tell-All Telepathic Helmets - it’s mind over batter.
Honourable Mentions
Zing Boundaries
ZingCorp is back with yet another stunning new Zing breakthrough.
Not content with brightening up every bowled dismissal, stumping and run out with the classic Zing Bails, ZingCorp has turned its flashing red eye to the boundary.
Slo-mo replays of diving fielders desperately trying to prevent fours are a thing of the past with Zing Boundaries.
Triggered by either an electromagnetically lacquered ball passing over it (lacquer available in red, white and pink), or a pulse transmitted through the fielder’s body whenever they are in contact with both the ball and the rope, Zing Boundaries provide instant four feedback.
Flashy fours deserve flashing fours.
ZingCorp, you’ve done it again!
The Thesaurus Box
Is there anything more degrading than being hit in the one-eyed trouser snake? Of course there is - listening to commentators stifle their sniggering as they stumble for an appropriate euphemism for the blow to your love truncheon. 
If you’re writhing on the ground, having copped one in the pork-sword, the last thing you want to know is that the commentators are talking about ‘nether regions’ and ‘groin areas’.
The Thesaurus Box dissuades such tiresome jocular coyness. Programmed with over 8000 synonyms for your penis, a devastating blow to the box fires off its final words - a loudly broadcast, randomly chosen, moniker for your Master John Goodfellow.
Once the word is out, it becomes virtually impossible for the commentators to refer to your custard launcher by anything other than the name your Thesaurus Box has bestowed upon it. 
If you must be struck in the sausage sceptre, at least have the consolation that Mike Atherton may be forced to refer to it as your ‘hairy canary’.
Also available - The Thesaurus Box, Vajayjay Edition
Did you enjoy this issue?
Dan Liebke

Every Friday, I go through my big list of cricket ideas, and churn out a first draft of something I've got in there. It won't be polished. It may not be interesting. I make no promises. But I'm going to throw something up and see what works and what (infinitely more likely) does not.

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