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Daily Horoscope for Cricketers

Daily Horoscope for Cricketers
By Dan Liebke • Issue #44 • View online

Detailed Zodiac Chart
Detailed Zodiac Chart
Either your left-arm opening fast bowler or a team physiotherapist is likely to be irritable today, Aries, which might tempt you into trying to unravel their problems. But what if their problems are profound philosophical ones that have defied history’s greatest thinkers for countless eons? Do you even know where to begin in diverting the path of a trolley? It’s much more complicated than pulling a single lever. Best just to stay out of it.
Too many balls drifting onto the batter’s pads may have you feeling pressured, Taurus, creating unnecessary stress. Try to ignore it and clear your head between overs, perhaps by imagining a reboot of House as a weekly medical mystery show where critical diagnoses were eventually made by an actual house. No need to waste precious screen time trying to motivate Dr House’s renowned crabbiness. He’s a freaking house! Of course he’s going to be irritable. How would you like it, with the termites and the land tax and the having the dogs pee on your lawn?
Emotions run high as the coach spends an inordinate amount of time critiquing the singing of the team song. Stay out of it, Gemini. It won’t do you any good to get involved. Wait until tempers have cooled before sneakily reigniting the argument with unflattering doodles you’ve made of your most short-tempered teammates. For best results, label them inaccurately, then use a black marker to draw a giant hole on a piece of butcher’s paper before leaping through it into dimensions unknown.
You’re probably feeling more sensitive than usual today, Cancer, because of the retrograde movement of your batting partner after you called them through for an easy single only to have them not respond, leaving you stranded mid-pitch. Don’t let your emotions overwhelm you. Focus instead on teaching your wicketkeeper how to start a fire using only the power of their mind. If the future of the Ashes doesn’t lie in pyrokinesis, then we might as well give up now.
This isn’t a good day to bowl a part-timer in the hope of buying an in-form batter’s wicket, Leo. Ignore the temptation and instead work out your frustration by arguing with the umpires about the sphericality of the ball. Refuse to accept the evidence of the rings no matter how often the ball satisfies their purity tests. There are more dimensions than the pitiful three that our substandard physical senses can perceive. Demonstrate this to the umpires by fielding a cover point at right angles to reality. 
Frustration with back-of-a-length bowling and a tight ring field could tempt you to release that energy by attempting a wild pull shot to a delivery that’s not quite there. Try not to succumb, Virgo. Why not throw your energies instead into a creative pursuit, such as a song parody (Creativity Trigger: a ZZ Top-inspired knock-off: ‘She’s got leg-breaks! She knows how to use them’) or a papier mâché model of Lord Ian Botham’s junk.
What would you do, Libra, if you went to your kit only to discover that instead of it containing your bats, pads, gloves, jazz CDs, box and other vital equipment, it contained a sleeping vampire? The stump is right there, and with one swift driving motion, you could push it through the heart of this unholy nemesis of all that is proper in the world. Kudos to you. But then what if this ‘vampire’ turns out to instead simply be the team all-rounder, deeply embroiled in a game of hide-and-seek against your opening bowler? Think before you act.
A hole in the cricket nets could lead to a training session taking far longer than it should, Scorpio. Especially when you discover that there is a dolphin trapped in the nets as well, flailing wildly as it fights against its inevitable demise. Try not to get frustrated at how a plague of overfishing has now spread far beyond the confines of the ocean and into local cricket training grounds. Focus instead on the smaller things that make life better. For example, tuna for lunch! 
A mischievous team mate might get in your head, posing the question of how the Sri Lanka team of the mid-1990s and early 2000s got the name of ‘Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha Joseph Chaminda Vaas’ to properly scan when singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to the great left-arm seamer every 27th January. Try not to let their obvious ploy concern you. They probably just sang ‘dear Chaminda’ at the appropriate moment. Don’t overcomplicate things, Sagittarius. Have you tried yoga? Go for it!
A conflict between front foot and back foot strokeplay could arise today, Capricorn, as an inability to pick the length of a slower ball proves troubling. Try to think clearly about the nature of time, perhaps by conducting thought experiments such as what you would see if a torch was attached to Shoaib Akhtar as his run-up approached the speed of light. After all, Einstein’s footwork at the crease was always precise. I’m just saying.
This could be a challenging day, Aquarius. A bookmaker might attempt to blackmail you into giving them information on team selection or the plot of Interstellar. This will rightly enrage you, but it is important not to take it out on the insidious con artist when they call you with their vile demands. Remember: Don’t shoot the messenger. Or, indeed, anybody. Who do you think you are?
Vivid dreams are likely to cause you to wake up feeling angry, Pisces. Angry and chilled to the fabric of your very soul. This will disconcert your team mates, especially if your unrelenting screams of horror distract the rest of the slips cordon. But don’t forget that a dream can only harm you if you let it, or if it contains Freddy Krueger. Space out the slips correctly and your panicked daytime sleep terror flailing will have less of an impact when a delivery takes the outside edge.
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Dan Liebke

Every Friday, I go through my big list of cricket ideas, and churn out a first draft of something I've got in there. It won't be polished. It may not be interesting. I make no promises. But I'm going to throw something up and see what works and what (infinitely more likely) does not.

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