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Issue #28: Snarky Barb

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“Don’t speak unless you can improve the silence.” ~Old Quaker Saying
 

Jeff Howardz | facts of my existence

July 9 · Issue #28 · View online
Weekly digest of things I find interesting, useful, funny, thought provoking or absurd... mixed with some wise ass short observations of my own.

“Don’t speak unless you can improve the silence.”
~Old Quaker Saying

Watershed Moment
As I crisscrossed the southeast last week on my epic journey I became increasingly puzzled at the number of road signs that say “Now entering the Blah Blah Blah Watershed”. This has to be political pork spending at its finest. Does anyone, and I mean anyone, other than the 8 hydrologists employed in the US, really care what watershed you are in at any point in time? I mean, who is making decisions while on the interstate based on this information? How does that conversation go? “Kids, we can’t stop so you can pee on the side of the road yet. We are in the Lower Ocoee watershed. You’ll have to wait until we reach the Upper Clinch watershed.”
Holler if you hear me
One of the beautiful things about driving hundreds of miles on back country roads is the creative road naming you see. It’s obvious that the homesteaders get to name their own roads. Some of the ones I saw last weekend (these were all in different states):
  • Katie Did Holler Rd. (I bet she did)
  • Paw Paw’s Rd. (and don’t you damn forget it)
  • Y'alls Place (our place is over yonder)
  • Momma Ain’t Home Rd. (she’s at Paw Paw’s)
Good Advice for discussing negative things
“I need to speak to think and to know what I’m thinking. This can be potentially disastrous in public, and in private, it puts an undue burden on my loved ones, because conversation is like the mood slime in Ghostbusters: to speak thoughts is to transfer thoughts, and the listener, no matter what, always absorbs something. My wife and I try to save our conversation for the open air on our morning walks, the idea being that most of any bad energy we release will be carried away by the wind.” ~Austin Kleon
Tight White Shorts
Let me first say that I am not a big fan of tennis. Never have been. Having said that, I do have fond memories of waking up during the summers to watch Wimbledon. What the hell happened to all the US men’s tennis players? I honestly could not name one single American male tennis player right now. Gone are the days of McEnroe and Connors. Gone are the days of Agassi and Courier. Gone are the days of Andy Roddick. I would watch Wimbledon and the US Open if there were any American male players worth cheering for, but there are not. So I will long for the days of tight white shorts and yelling at linesmen.  
Average Age of Sports Viewers
Interesting chart here. The average age of a PGA Tour viewer in 2016 was 64. The average age viewer in every sport except women’s tennis has increased in the last 10 years. Is this a function of the baby boom generation getting older or some systemic thing where younger folks are no longer drawn to watching live sports? I have no idea.
Corny one liners for your laughing pleasure
  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
  • I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  • My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
  • I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

May you never name your underwear BooBoo Stewart,
Jeff
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