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Issue #26: Laughing My Ossoff


Jeff Howardz | facts of my existence

June 25 · Issue #26 · View online

Weekly digest of things I find interesting, useful, funny, thought provoking or absurd... mixed with some wise ass short observations of my own.

“I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.” ~Unknown

Jeff's Universal Law
It can always get worse.
Why your car thermometer is always wrong
I got in my car last week and my thermometer showed a slightly warm 109 degrees. I wondered why in the hell the thermometer is always so wrong. Here is a fascinating article explaining it. Spoiler: your car doesn’t have a thermometer, it has a thermistor which works completely differently.
Ways to make yourself miserable
This section is back by popular demand after my first foray a few weeks ago.
  • If you want it, buy it, even if you can’t afford it.
  • Work your ass off and devote your whole life to your job.
  • Watch plenty of news.
  • Spend your time hoping instead of doing.
  • Always say yes.
  • Connect with people’s potential rather than their reality.
Jeff's Fun on Elevators
I am alone on the elevator.
Dude enters and turns his back to me standing at about a 45 degree angle.
He looks down at his phone, enters his 4 digit pin and proceeds to start texting.
Me: “I could stab you right now and steal your phone and take all of your personal information.”
Him: “Huh? What is wrong with you?”
Me: “1332”
Him: “How the hell do you know my pin?”
Me: “Magic.”
If you want people to stop lying to you then stop punishing them for being honest. Honesty and integrity almost always make the honest person look bad in a world where people really don’t want honesty. This is especially evident in front of an insecure person who really doesn’t want to hear the truth. If your question is “do I look fat in these pants” and the answer is “yes” then your reaction should be “thank you for being honest” not “OMG you are so rude, I just got these pants and I thought they looked great on me.” Fat ass.
Too funny not to read. Excerpt:
“It has come to my attention that certain female members of our department have recently begun presenting themselves in a manner that distracts from proper intellectual exploration. Lately, there has been a rash of demonstrated interest in cosmetics, “fashionable” clothing, designer handbags, and other feminine pursuits.”
May you one day look so good that someone wants to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit,
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