View profile

Issue #26: Laughing My Ossoff

Revue
 
"I'd rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea." ~Unknown
 

Jeff Howardz | facts of my existence

June 25 · Issue #26 · View online
Weekly digest of things I find interesting, useful, funny, thought provoking or absurd... mixed with some wise ass short observations of my own.

“I’d rather be someone’s shot of whiskey than everyone’s cup of tea.” ~Unknown

Jeff's Universal Law
It can always get worse.
Why your car thermometer is always wrong
I got in my car last week and my thermometer showed a slightly warm 109 degrees. I wondered why in the hell the thermometer is always so wrong. Here is a fascinating article explaining it. Spoiler: your car doesn’t have a thermometer, it has a thermistor which works completely differently.
Ways to make yourself miserable
This section is back by popular demand after my first foray a few weeks ago.
  • If you want it, buy it, even if you can’t afford it.
  • Work your ass off and devote your whole life to your job.
  • Watch plenty of news.
  • Spend your time hoping instead of doing.
  • Always say yes.
  • Connect with people’s potential rather than their reality.
Jeff's Fun on Elevators
I am alone on the elevator.
Dude enters and turns his back to me standing at about a 45 degree angle.
He looks down at his phone, enters his 4 digit pin and proceeds to start texting.
Me: “I could stab you right now and steal your phone and take all of your personal information.”
Him: “Huh? What is wrong with you?”
Me: “1332”
Him: “How the hell do you know my pin?”
Me: “Magic.”
Truth
If you want people to stop lying to you then stop punishing them for being honest. Honesty and integrity almost always make the honest person look bad in a world where people really don’t want honesty. This is especially evident in front of an insecure person who really doesn’t want to hear the truth. If your question is “do I look fat in these pants” and the answer is “yes” then your reaction should be “thank you for being honest” not “OMG you are so rude, I just got these pants and I thought they looked great on me.” Fat ass.
Riparoni
Too funny not to read. Excerpt:
“It has come to my attention that certain female members of our department have recently begun presenting themselves in a manner that distracts from proper intellectual exploration. Lately, there has been a rash of demonstrated interest in cosmetics, “fashionable” clothing, designer handbags, and other feminine pursuits.”


May you one day look so good that someone wants to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit,
Jeff
Did you enjoy this issue?
If you don't want these updates anymore, please unsubscribe here.
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Powered by Revue