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Issue #15: Back Nine on Sunday


Jeff Howardz | facts of my existence

April 9 · Issue #15 · View online

Weekly digest of things I find interesting, useful, funny, thought provoking or absurd... mixed with some wise ass short observations of my own.

“To exist is to survive unfair choices.”
~ The O.A.

Show me the Money
You’re a retail business. You have one job. Get me to buy something in your store. Why then, do you put up barriers for me to pay? There should never, ever be a line to pay for anything, period. If your only goal is to sell me something then the point at which I am ready to pay should be the most frictionless part of the process. “Oh be patient Jeff, you idealistic ass.”
I was patient when I got in my car and fought traffic to drive to your store. I was patient finding parking in the crappy strip mall where you chose to locate your store. I was patient when I pushed your annoying shopping cart with the wobbly wheel around. I was patient when finding what I needed in your store despite your inability to label things properly. I am not, however, patient enough to stand in a line 15 minutes for the privilege of handing you my money. That is idiotic. You have one job. Do it.
Deep Thoughts from Jake
Jake: “Daddy, you like rocks, what is your favorite rock?”
Me: “Igneous, and you?”
Jake:Dwayne Johnson.
Let's all move to Denmark
A couple of weeks ago I brought to you the Danish concept of hygge (being cozy). Well, in addition to hygge and being the birthplace of Legos, the Danes are apparently world class happy people. Denmark has been named the world’s happiest country three times. How do they do it? Most of the people believe in something called Jante Law which is just 10 simple rules for how to live (these will be an anathema to most Americans):
1. You’re not to think you are anything special.
2. You’re not to think you are as good as we are.
3. You’re not to think you are smarter than we are.
4. You’re not to convince yourself that you are better than we are.
5. You’re not to think you know more than we do.
6. You’re not to think you are more important than we are.
7. You’re not to think you are good at anything.
8. You’re not to laugh at us.
9. You’re not to think anyone cares about you.
10. You’re not to think you can teach us anything.
Jeff's Fun on Elevators
Setup: highfalutin woman enters elevator wearing gaudy Manolo Blahnik shoes.
Me: “Excuse me, your shoes are untied.”
Her: “My shoes don’t have laces.”
Me: “Well then they cannot be tied can they?”
Humorous Wisdom
I didn’t write these either. Get over it.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
  • Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see them tumble down the stairs.
  • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Fore Please, Now Driving...
Masters Sunday is one of my favorite days of the year. Spring is upon us, the weather is generally beautiful, not too cold, not too warm. All the flowering trees and shrubs are in full bloom. It’s a time to relax and reflect. The back nine at Augusta always makes for good drama and memories. I hope you have your fresh squeezed lemonade and pimento cheese sandwiches handy. It’s going to be a fun one.
May all your biscuits rise and not stick to the baking sheet,
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