May 13, 2021

Issue #6: Don't You Dare Eat Our Tasting Menu

By Gut Bomb • Issue #6 • View online

Once again, we’re a little slow coming off the line but that doesn’t mean this issue isn’t piping hot and ready for you to dig in! We’re pleased to feature Matt Husser (@matthusser) below with a tasting menu that might leave you feeling a bit hungry but is full of thought-provoking dishes. Yes, you can finally dine out again which means we can finally go out and enjoy some overwrought, overly complicated cuisine! That’s what I call “back to normal!”

Eat up,

Adam Campbell-Schmitt, editor

Photo by Mark Stebnicki from Pexels

We Challenge You to Enjoy Our Overthought Tasting Menu

by Matt Husser

Welcome, esteemed guests, to the famed Petit Morceau. As hunger is the true spice of life, what better ingredient to highlight in our new 10-course tasting experience? I propose that you allow me to seduce you with a number of playful dishes that can be only described as “food-adjacent.” Prepare to leave hungry, my culinary hostage, as I challenge you to try to enjoy this five-hour dining odyssey.

Bon appétit.

Opened San Pellegrino Water Left Overnight Next to Kimchi Jar

Prime your tastebuds for an enchanting evening with this playful opening number. Swirl the flat water in your mouth and let the lingering fragrance of fermented Korean cabbage frolic over your tongue. Tremendous.

The Sous-Chef Scoffs at Your Food Allergies from the Kitchen

Hey Sebastian, check out this idiot that’s allergic to cumin.

Blanched Tomatillo Skins Hastily Stuffed Into Manila Envelope

Same-day delivery to olfactory bliss.

Waiter Dips a Finger in Rosemary Infused Olive Oil and Touches Your Lips Before Turning Away Wistfully as Yours Is a Love That Can Never Be

No, Alejandro, it is forbidden. You, a 19th-Century bullfighter, and me, a Finnish spy embedded on a Ukrainian submarine.

Polaroid Picture of Larb Gai

The bright citrus of the lime pops while the savory umami notes of the fish sauce round out this beloved Laotian dish, with a lingering heat that endures long past your enjoyment of this playful number. Well anyway, here’s a picture of what that looks like.

Ginger-Turmeric Puree in Super Soaker

Refresh your palate and prepare for the advanced courses as we hose you down with this natural liver cleanser.

Pastry Chef Briskly Strolls by Your Table While Carrying a Soufflé

Boy, that soufflé must have been difficult to prepare. It certainly smells wonderful, doesn’t it?

Labeled Lunch Surreptitiously Taken From Break Room Refrigerator

Oh my, you naughty child. The petty larceny makes it that much more devilishly delicious.

Your Father Stands Watching You from Afar, Beaming With Pride While He Eats Duck Confit

“You know what, Barb? I think we did good,” he says with a satisfied sigh, shoveling a delectable morsel of rich, flavorful duck into his mouth as his beloved wife lays her head on his shoulder.

Poached Pear Fog Collected on Glass Window Pane

Admit it. You’ve always wondered what it was like when you watched your French Bulldog, Hattie, lick the sliding glass door. Indulge in your curiosity.

fin

Follow Matt Husser on Twitter: @matthusser

This week's best bites:

The CDC says the vaxxed can unmask, so toss out your quarantine wine, unload your tots, and pick a new poison! Enjoy some drinking, dining, and hosting humor below, plus meet people looking to find or fix love with food and hear from a meat dish at a newly-vegan restaurant who wants the final word.

The Ultimate Drinking Water Temperature Power Rankings — by Eli Magers [Slackjaw]

Starting off the power ranking, coming in seventh (last place) is the temperature “boiling.” Sure, boiling water is great for things like spaghetti. But you can’t drink it without absolutely…

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I Am That Half-Full, Open Bottle of Pinot Noir Still Sitting On Your Bar Cart And After Five Long Months, It’s Time To Take Me Off Life Support — by Jeff Cucinell [Slackjaw]

I know this is difficult, but the time has come to let me go. I’m no longer that vibrant $14.99 bottle you picked out at the mini-mart. What was once ruby red is now murky brown, and my previously…

medium.com • Share

Thanks For Coming Over For Dinner. I’ve Never Cooked Before and I’m Going to Ruin Your Life — by [McSweeney’s]

I’m sorry. Why the hell did I just say that? I’m nervous. Blah. Come on in. Don’t worry about taking off your shoes. I’ve never worn shoes inside m…

www.mcsweeneys.net • Share

Am I The Only One At This Eating Contest Looking To Meet Someone? — by Justin Gawel [Slackjaw]

The car dealership owner took one look at me and said I was perfect. I was a little offended at how fast he made that decision, but I thought it better than to look a gift horse in his smarmy…

medium.com • Share

I Am The Pig Bladder From 11 Madison Park, And I Am Full to Bursting With Sorrowful Rage — by Miriam Jayaratna [Greener Pastures Magazine]

When it reopens on June 10, the restaurant once known for its…orbs of celery root cooked in pig’s bladder….is going 100 percent free of animal products, the restaurant announced today.” -New York…

medium.com • Share

My Five Star Reviews Of Recipes That I Tweaked Just The Tiniest Bit — by Elise Seyfried [Little Old Lady Comedy]

Like many of you, I adore surfing the internet in search of scrumptious dinner ideas. There’s something special about finding the perfect combo of ingredients, mixed together just so. My computer recipe file is bursting with delights, and I tip my toque (chef’s hat) to the geniuses who painstakingly created these culinary wonders, down to…

littleoldladycomedy.com • Share

Hey r/Relationships, Help Me Talk Sense Into My Egg-Obsessed Husband! — by Alice H. Lahoda [The Belladonna Comedy]

Let me start off by saying I (32F) usually think my husband’s (37M) egg obsession is a fun little “eggcentricity,” if you will. But it’s starting to affect our family, and I don’t know if I’m just…

thebelladonnacomedy.com • Share

Reductress » QUIZ: Do They Have Their Shit Together or Do They Just Hang Their Pans on The Wall in The Kitchen?

While we all know that nobody’s perfect, some people are better at being adult people than other people, and it can be helpful to spot them so that we might learn their ways. Of course, it can be hard to tell the difference between one of these experts at existing and someone who simply makes chic a

reductress.com • Share

Experts Agree, Wine is Good for You (Unless You Pick The Glass I Poisoned) — by Gwen Coburn [The Belladonna Comedy]

We’ve all been there. It’s the end of a long day, and I, your mysterious but vaguely familiar new friend, invite you to unwind at my winery with a bottle of red. As I lock the door behind me, you…

thebelladonnacomedy.com • Share

Minimalist Learning To Appreciate Stripped-Down Simple Pleasures Of Unloaded Tater Tots [The Onion]

“Once you tear away the distractions of melted cheese, jalapeños, and bacon, you begin to understand the genuine, unadorned essence of the tot…“

local.theonion.com • Share

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