Apr 15, 2021

Issue #4: Horny 4 Ramps

By Gut Bomb • Issue #4 • View online

This week’s letter is shorter all around. A nice little listicle from yours truly and a truncated link dump of wonderful writing from other people and publications. Fun fact: the original name of this newsletter was going to be “Light Bites” so let’s consider this issue to be an homage to what could have been.

Eat up,

Adam Campbell-Schmitt, editor

Image by ICKH from Pixabay

Are You Horny or Is It Just Ramps Season?

By Adam Campbell-Schmitt

If you’re experiencing any of these feelings, it could be because you’re horny or it could be because it’s ramps season—that short window of the year when those coveted wild leeks emerge in the woods and make a brief appearance at the grocery store. Honestly, it’s hard to say…

You’re bored with your usual crop of options and you want something wild.
Your tolerance for kissing someone with garlicky breath is much lower than usual.
You catch yourself leering at any and every slightly bulbous buried object.
You keep “liking” obvious thirst traps of exposed stems.
You update your dating profile to say you’re interested in foraging in some bush.
You’re sweet-talking everyone at the farmers market, looking for a discreet hookup.
You can’t hear the words “compound butter” without biting your bottom lip.
You’ll heat things up within a few days of meeting to keep their stalk from wilting.
You know that if you put the time and care into preserving this spring fling for the cold winter months you’ll be investing in your own long term happiness—but you’re not above a “quick pickle” to get the job done.
You’ll settle for tops or bottoms, but frankly you’d rather have both.

This week's best bites:

Vegetarian menu items, vegan coworkers, keto recipes: Don’t assume we’re cutting back just because this week’s roundup is all about dietary lifestyle choices. There’s also some really important insights into why Fireball Whisky bottles are strewn about every single gutter and city trash can, and an expanded version of everyone’s favorite poem about icebox plums.

I’m The Advertising Genius That Leaves Empty Bottles Of Fireball Whisky Everywhere by WhatTheZem [Slackjaw]

Hi, my name is Dan Munkle, Fireball Whisky’s VP of Marketing. Today I’m going to show you how, with an extremely limited budget, I took Fireball from an unknown brand to the number one…

medium.com • Share

William Carlos Williams Tries to Reach His Word Count by Michelle Cohn [McSweeney’s]

“This Is Just To Say” I have eaten, the plums that were in the icebox specifically between the milk and cheese the block of cheddar and the 2% mil…

www.mcsweeneys.net • Share

My Toaster And I Will DOMINATE This Toastmasters Meeting by Katie Burgess [Slackjaw]

Hey, Library Conference Room 2C — what’s up, jerks? I heard this was the place for so-called “Toastmasters.” You dare to call yourselves toast masters? Well, I’ve got a stainless steel Cuisinart here…

medium.com • Share

Keto Recipe Mostly Cheese, Heartburn [The Whole Wheat Post]

A viral keto recipe has come under fire recently for including ingredient quantities that doctors warn are unhealthy and dangerous. The viral dish “Keto Bake,” popularized on Chef Kyle Nesbitt’s blog Keto King, features just two ingredients: cheese and cooking spray.

wholewheatpost.com • Share

I’m Your Enigmatic Vegan Co-Worker, And I’m Here To Guide You In Your Quest To Master The Non-Dairy Arts by Amy Currul [Slackjaw]

Behold! It is I, your cooler, wiser, and therefore obviously vegan co-worker. I am here to assist you in your quest for non-dairy alternatives to your formerly beloved dairy products. Get ready for…

medium.com • Share

All of the Most Common Vegetarian Menu Items, Ranked by Rachel Marsh [Points in Case]

When you request to have the meat removed, they’ll still charge you full price so at least your bank account feels like you’re eating a real meal.

www.pointsincase.com • Share

‘This Is What You Should Call Him Now’: McDonald’s Has Announced It Has Changed Ronald McDonald's Name To ‘INTENSITY’ [ClickHole]

In order to stay competitive, companies are constantly looking for ways to keep fresh and adapt to the times, and it looks like the biggest name in fast food is doing just that by updating one of the most iconic fixtures of its brand identity: McDonald’s just announced that Ronald McDonald’s name has officially been changed to INTENSITY.

clickhole.com • Share

I hope you enjoyed your meal! Please consider regularly reading, subscribing to, or otherwise supporting these incredible publications and writers above.

If you’re a writer and would like to submit your work to be featured in Gut Bomb, you can find the submission guidelines here.

Hey, Gut Bomb is on Twitter!

Did you enjoy this issue?

By Gut Bomb

A biweekly humor newsletter good enough to eat.

Submission guidelines: bit.ly/3uSx2pF

Tweet

Share

In order to unsubscribe, click here.

If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.