Hello, unicorn baby! How are you this morning?
I hope you slept well and are feeling happy after the weekend. I’m sending lots of love your way today. Wherever you are, no matter where you’re reading this, I love you very much.
If you read last week’s newsletter, you know that I was having a tough time of it. A lot of stuff happened in the last few weeks that has been extremely emotionally distressing. I’m happy to report that I’m feeling much better. I had a good week. I got a break from all the drama and was able to just take a breath and enjoy my life here in London. I received a few big assignments for features and got to work on the preparation for writing them - sending interview requests and such.
When I had therapy on Thursday, I barely had anything I wanted to talk about. Of course, I spent the entire 50 minutes monologuing, but I find it’s a lot easier to go into therapy when I’m feeling calm. I also slept really well without the need for a sleep aid. As you guys know, this is a huge feat for me. Overall, I’m feeling a lot less wrapped up in the emotional hell-storm that is constantly trying to grab me. I feel more in control of how I respond to emergencies and drama. I’m coming to realize that a lot of it just isn’t worth my time or energy. That’s a grounding realization.
Another thing I’ve given some thought to is where my head is at when things are actually going well and everything is chill. I find that I’m in a constant state of fight or flight. Even when things are quite tranquil, I’m always looking over my shoulder. I’m always waiting for the next big disaster. I’m prepping myself for the other shoe to drop. My therapist pointed out that this seems to be a place of comfort for me - that it’s kind of my happy place. Why? Because it’s all I’ve ever really known - well, at least in the last 10 years or so.
I find I can’t get too comfortable with the peace because once I do, I’ll get side-swiped by the next shit-show. I looked at her and said, “And that is no way to live.”
Because that isn’t how I want to live my life. I’m 30 years old and I worry and toss and turn like a middle aged woman with 3 children she needs to feed. It’s extremely distressing to realize that a ‘panic-waiting-panic-waiting’ cycle is the way I experience a sense of calm.
Life is too short for this nonsense. I’m always preaching that you should seize the day and live in the moment. I need to follow my own damn advice. I need to enjoy the Christmas lights in Convent Garden. I need to be happy when my husband surprises me with warm pastries in the morning. I need to sip my coffee in bed, listen to the news, and take deep breaths. I need to stay here in this moment. I need to enjoy my life. Because, you know what? My life is pretty fucking great.
What about you? How are you feeling this week? Have you noticed you’re feeling more calm? Are you anxious? Give these things some thought.
This week’s mantras:
- I will stay here in this moment.
- I will breathe through my moments of distress.
- I am alive and my life is beautiful.
- I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!