I couldn’t sleep because I knew I didn’t have a tripod for my iPhone. I’ve never been particularly tech savvy, only just getting by when it comes to technology, relying on my words and basic app features to carry myself through. And so I was lying awake, anxiously wondering how I would ever measure up to other colleagues in the sex field - they all seem to have it completely figured out.
Everywhere I look, it’s like sex influencers (TBH I cringe just using the word influencer) seem to have professional video set ups and personal photographers. When they’re on video, it’s like you’ve walked into their very own studios. It’s le intimidating.
Anxiously, I scrolled through Amazon looking for a tripod - worried I would never be enough - or not so much “being enough” as having enough. Enough equipment, specifically. Invest in yourself, right? That’s what those lifestyle influencers and tech entrepreneurs say.
The tripod search turned into a frantic further Amazon blackhole for a tripod that also came with a ring light (one of those fancy light rings you put around an iPhone to make you look hot or something).
OK. Let me back up. Because this does connect to sex. I swear.
The whole ‘anxiously measuring up’ complex I had created started after a very successful and adorable (if I do say so myself) IG Live I did on the Men’s Health Instagram with Zachary Zane, the Men’s Health sex columnist (I’ve mentioned him before, right?) and one of my good friends. We answered a bunch of reader sex questions. We had a blast!
Zach had a tripod and a really impressive book shelf backdrop in the video (which you can view here
) and I had my iPhone literally propped up on my laptop with florescent lighting and my opaque, hideous fridge in the background. I felt like a social media grandma. I adore Zach and found myself texting him “Are AirPods worth it?” because of course I also needed AirPods now because he had AirPods. I LOVE THIS INDUSTRY LOL.
Here is where the sex comes in. I told you this shit connected - I am nothing if not true to my word. Just me, my words, and my disgusting florescent lighting.
ANYWAY, one of the questions we got while answering sex questions was about penis size and a man’s fear of not “measuring up”. This is a question both Zach and I receive regularly. I went on a bit of a tangent about the porn industry and how we’ve idealized big penises because it is an industry standard. We’ve set regular people up to fail because we’ve set the bar at completely unrealistic 12 inch dicks.
Ah, the connection to my later self-inflicted panic is almost too poetic.
Here is the thing: We live in a consumer-driven world that idolizes social media and influencers and celebrities. We buy new things, feel like shit, and then buy new things to feel better about feeling like shit, only to feel like shit because we forget the fucking ring light to go with the tripod. We’re not enough in life, in sex, online, anywhere.
And it’s stupid AF. We need more authentic self-love and less “but what can I buy to love myself more?” Real sex isn’t about giant penises. Good writing isn’t about whether or not you know how to properly use IG filters (although big brands want it all).
Self-love. I’m sure you’re thinking: Oh, for fuckssake. I’ve heard that too many times. Leave me alone. And, frankly, that’s fair. The theme of self-love is an Instagram darling of sorts. Everywhere you turn (including my IG page
, if I’m being honest), you’ll see endless quotes toting the benefits of loving oneself.
For me, it’s been a long, arduous process to self-love. It’s something I still struggle with sometimes. Well, all the time, let’s be real you just read that shit about my life. You know my life.
It’s easier said than done, like nearly everything in life. It’s an ongoing process that may never fully end. You need to be OK with that.
For all the fanfare, learning to love yourself is really important – vital, in fact, to living a truly resplendent life. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of your needs first. Remember that you are absolutely glorious and deserve only the best things in life. I love you. I see you. We are in this together.
This week’s mantras:
- I am enough.
- I am a real person who is flawed and that is perfect.
- I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week.