Good morning, unicorn babe! How are you?
Truthfully, last week was one of the hardest I’ve faced in a while. There were things that happened that I couldn’t help, things I caused to happen and smaller things that took root in the wake of the larger things. It’s felt like a low-grade panic attack that comes and goes in waves. Have you ever felt like everything was coming apart at the seams? Like you were trying to fix one problem, but only wound up with five more? Have you felt that out of control?
Even though the nature of what has been going on is deeply personal and the details can be spared, I can say the week was shit. It feels like I’m constantly putting out fires. Sometimes they’re fires I’ve set myself, which makes it all the more frustrating.
Hang with me while I spiral here?
Sometimes they’re fires I started and I can’t put them out at all because to do so would be lying. That’s a hard place to be in. It means managing the aftermath of coming clean about something you feel about someone else. To say you don’t feel it would be a lie, but having the truth come out can cause others distress. Which … causes me distress. I’ve never, in my entire life, been good at keeping my opinion to myself. I know, that’s so shocking, right? I try to, for the sake of people I love. But it never seems to work out in the end. One way or another I wind up saying my true feelings. When I’ve suppressed negative emotions, they wind up exploding. It’s like I’m a soda bottle who keeps getting shaken and shaken until I pop and spew fizz everywhere, on everyone.
While I stand by my opinion (I mean, just because I said it in a really rude way doesn’t make it less true), my expression of it comes along with regret and guilt. My intention is not really to hurt people. Yet, hurting people does seem to be the intention of my rage when it strikes. So, I guess it actually is my intention in the moment. It’s a weird situation to be in - one I thought I had a bit more control over, but that has continuously proved inaccurate.
What’s more, there’s very few people who can elicit that kind of rage-response in me, which should be a good thing - but ends up meaning a lot of rage goes into only a few places, to a few people. I don’t know what to make of all of this yet - only that I wish I could be chiller. I wish I was capable of keeping my mouth shut in certain situations.
On the bright side, I am now a fully accredited member of The American College of Sexologists - So, you can call me Gigi Engle, ACS, from now on. You have to find the bright spots in the darkest of times, right?
This week’s mantras:
- I will take action when action needs to be taken, and let go when it’s not my place.
- I will be authentic with people in a way that doesn’t cause harm.
- I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week. Thanks for sticking with me, unicorn.