There are very few people in my life who can cut me down. I’ve grown a thick skin over the last 28 years of being a human woman. Becoming a sex writer and educator basically catapulted me into the den of internet trolls, so getting down on myself wasn’t really an option. For the most part, I think I’m pretty fucking awesome.
But, my mother can cut me down. I wish she couldn’t, but she can. Not always. Sometimes I brush her (truly well-meaning most of the time) comments aside and move on, focusing instead on the positive things my husband, siblings, colleagues, and friends say to and about me.
Unless she talks about my weight. One wrong word. She brings up my weight.
I’ve had issues with disordered eating and body dysmorphia since I was a kid. I’ve struggled to and failed to love my body. Even when I’ve been super thin, I’ve seen extra weight in the mirror that could stand to be shed.
This morning my mom told me that I’ve lost weight and I look great. She told me I had “a bit of extra weight on” at my wedding. She said it so earnestly, so genuinely. She meant it as a compliment. Like I should be glad I’d lost the weight. Phew! What a relief, right? Never mind the photos that I’ll have forever and will now hate. I ordered prints yesterday to frame. I don’t want to frame them anymore.
I feel so stupid because I’m supposed to be this strong, positive force for women and all I can think about is how I looked fat at my wedding and everyone must have thought so and didn’t tell me. I told her how much it hurt me and she felt terrible. She didn’t mean to upset me. Sometimes she just doesn’t know how saying just one wrong thing to someone can really fuck them up.
I’m sharing this with you because I wouldn’t be real otherwise. We all have insecurities. My body is something I’m in constant battle with. This is an unfortunate setback.
We all have things that hurt our hearts. We have to face them and acknowledge them so they don’t swallow us. We need to stand together and realize that we all have shit we hate about ourselves and you know what, that’s OK.
This is also a lesson in mindfulness. We need to be gentle with ourselves and other people. We don’t know what others are going through and we must be mindful.
Oh, and don’t comment on someone’s weight. In any way. Ever. Please.
This week’s mantras:
- I will look in the mirror and name 3 things I love about myself.
- I will journal for 20 minutes each day about the things that hurt my heart.
- I will write down 5 things I love about myself (or even things I want to love about myself).
- I will love myself. I will try to love myself.
I love you. Have a great week.