“There is no democracy in any love relation: only mercy.”
But, would you be horrified to know that I sometimes still cry about my ex-boyfriend
? It’s not that I want to be with him, I’m just not quite over the heartbreak. There is something to be said for being with someone for three years and then have the life you shared end out of nowhere. It really fucks with your ability to feel safe. Looking back I know I should have seen the signs and things weren’t perfect and blah, blah, blah, but it didn’t feel like that at the time. And these things stick with you.
I am head-over-heels in love with my husband, but I still cry over wounds that have healed, been ripped open again, healed, scared, and been scrubbed into my skin. I’m still sad and I still cry. If I sit for long enough, and focus my thoughts, I can well-up thinking about how my best friend stopped being friends with me in 2015. We lived together all through college and then we broke up. In many ways it was like a death. I still miss him. I still cry over him. It makes me afraid to really invest in another friendship. They all seem to end. And so, yes, I cry.
When I think about friendships, lovers, and people I’ve lost, I have to come to terms with the fact that I may never fully heal. Not in the conventional sense, anyway. I, as writer, Brandy Jensen
, writes “fixate, I wallow, I simultaneously feel humiliated that I could care for someone so obviously unworthy and convinced I will never find anyone as good again.”
But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my life. Happiness and hurt don’t exist outside of each other. They often cohabitate inside of the wildly complex human brain.
I’ve come to find that healing is something wherein the reality is completely at odds with what we believe healing should be. We think we should feel sad or hurt, heal, and then everything should be OK. When we don’t heal this way, it’s hard to talk about it because it feels like everyone else around us seems to be getting over shit and are just fine.
But that’s not right, is it? Healing isn’t linear at all. Some days you think: Oh, wow! I am totally fine. I’m so relieved. And the next day you cry for, like, three hours and watch three seasons of Degrassi.
We all need to be a little bit more compassionate with ourselves and stop trying to be so strong all the time. It’s OK to be gentle with yourself. And it is OK to feel your feelings. If something hurts, let yourself cry. Let yourself feel sad when you need to. We’re just doing our best.
This week’s mantras:
- I am strong, but I am human.
- My heart is not weak for feeling sadness, it is abundant.
- I will be gentle with myself.
- I will love myself.
I love you. Have a great week!