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What Even is Gender? I really just want to be a potato

Diet Queer Feminism
What Even is Gender? I really just want to be a potato
By Sotonye Ame • Issue #7 • View online

Gender, like a lot of things in the world, is a social construct. And it be kicking my ass.
2020 was a year of discovery for me, I met versions of me that were never before seen and I mostly enjoyed the paths I took. One of the lesser liked paths was realising that I may not be a woman. I googled so many things and stopped thinking about it till around Christmas when my gender issues sprung up again.
If you follow my Twitter, you probably know that I recently got a binder. What you wouldn’t know is that seeing my boobs disappear brought the questions about my gender identity back to the front of the line. Two out of three times that I’ve gone out with my binder, I’ve had people look at me weird, wondering what exactly I am. My shaved head does not help their confusion.
Gender is a performance and we’re all actors. When I think of gender, I imagine thespians on a victorian stage giving the performance of their lives. In a way, that is what we do all day, every day; try to fit as neatly as possible into boxes that were created by people who existed long before we were conceived.
When we perform gender, we act for our lives. This is especially true in countries like Nigeria where deviating from the norm could easily mean a death sentence. I’m tired of performing womanhood all the time, it simply isn’t for me.
All the time that I’ve questioned my gender identity, I’ve settled on genderfluid before quickly pushing the whole thing out of my mind because the headaches it gives me <<<<<<<
I find that some days I feel strongly connected to womanhood. I want people to look at me and see a beautiful woman who they cannot get enough of. Some days, I am more in the non-binary space, and some days I am in a space where I’m not a woman but I really am not anything else either. I think that last one is what agender feels like.
I’m still figuring things out and I will most likely push this whole thing out of my mind again, but right now, I’m Emma, I’m genderfluid, and my pronouns are They/She.
With love and everything nice
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Sotonye Ame

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Lagos, Nigeria.