Distributed systems are known for being notoriously difficult to wrangle. But why? This talk will cover a brief history of distributed databases, clear up some common myths about the CAP theorem, dig into why network partitions are inevitable, and close out by highlighting how a few popular consensus algorithms mitigate the risks of operating in a distributed fashion and the importance of considering human factors to fully understand the systems we build. Almost all slides will contain original illustration featuring mischievous cats masquerading as sysadmins. By the end of this talk you will have a better understanding of the design trade-offs involved in architecting for distributed systems, and hopefully, be inspired to start doodling tech concepts!