I create fiction. This is one of my fictitious stories. Perhaps.
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Part I: childhood story
Part II: how it showed up in adulthood
Part III: what am I seeing?
Part IV: You. Wow.
Part V: The Show
I heard this prompt from Dr. Michael Garbe, LCSW while working together on a project over the summer.
“Was there ever a time when I felt safe in my home?”
Dr. Garbe is the creator of a cultural breakthrough known as dynamic awakening. It is a trauma-informed liberation framework that blends together science and spirituality.
Dr. Garbe recommends this prompt to patients in the early phases of a dynamic awakening. Learn more about Bowen Family Systems Theory by visiting the link in the footer.
Part I: Childhood story
As I think through my childhood, I am reminded of all the times I lived with heightened anxiety and stress. As if it was normal. I became accustomed to walking around the house carefully. On egg shells, perhaps.
I remember crawling to the edge of the stairs - my bedroom was upstairs at the house - I would listen to my mother and stepfather talk about me. For as long as I can remember, I heard how much of a lost cause I was from my step father.
They called me to come downstairs time and time again to sit me down at the table. I sat there for hours at a time. I wasn’t allowed to leave the table. There I sat in the discomfort of hours of beration for my most recent mistake.
I remember I got caught lieing to them about something. They went on for hours about how horrific of a person I am for lieing. Hours. Hours of coming at me about the lie. Hours later, I felt my brain become like mush. I could barely see straight as I stumbled back up the stairs.
Part II: How does it show up in adulthood?
About one year ago, in January 2020, I was in a romantic relationship with a partner. There I was, in my parent’s shoes as I berated her for lieing about something in the beginning of our relationship. I went on and on for hours. Days. Insisting that she take note of how horrific she was for decieving me.
After I destroyed every last bit of that relationship, I heard a very important question come out of her mouth:
“Where did you learn that?”
Until that moment, I didn’t have enough separation from the way I was being. That question pierced my reality to create enough space between my SELF and one of the many characters I learned to play along the way.
Part III: What am I seeing?
Growing up, I recall chaos. I recall love. I am starting to recall all the things. Eventually, I reached a point when I no longer would be bothered by things in the house and out in the world.
Reflecting back now, it seems as if my nucleus felt untrusting and unsafe. I traversed my life in this protective armor. I did not allow any person to really come in. I kept everyone at arm’s length. I did things said things and have been things that hurt people. Many of whom have loved me the most. Perhaps that’s why they say, “Hurt people hurt people.”
It’s been about fear. An illusion of fear. Perhaps architected from within my SELF. It’s like a house of cards. Sand castles in the mind. Perhaps. It only takes a gust of wind or a wave to wash up shore. Well, in my case, it took a pretty damn strong gust of wind. I guess I am a tough nut to crack.
Such is life.
It’s as if I have been living in a dream. A fiction. I created a fictitious reality for myself to exist within where I didn’t need to actually deal with the happenings of my past, my family, and, therefore, I continued blazing that trail.
“Why haven’t you been able to become more profitable from all of this work?”
Thank you to V for asking me this question 6-8 months ago in Costa Rica. I had an answer back then. I see now that my answer was more of the show I was putting on: I had people, places, and things to blame for why I was where I was. A 37 year old man complaining about all the wrongs done to him.
Part IV: You. Wow.
It is like navigating the death of a narcissist. Perhaps. I can’t help but see some of the people, places, and things of my past who have risked their own life and wellbeing to support me. Like…wow.
Thank you. I don’t know if I will ever have an opportunity to see each of you — just know that I am here, holding you by your shoulders, looking at you in the eyes, and expressing all the love that has filled up from within me and I am now pouring it into your soul.
It feels as if a pin popped a hot air baloon. It seemed to be nearing its capacity. Upon the pop, air began to release, and, one-by-one, things that I wasn’t sure about in my life — ie my family life — nearly immediately clicked into place and became known from within as a truth.
I began to feel things. As truth continues to set in I am seeing more and more.
There are things that some of you have done for me that I haven’t even begun to process yet. It’s like each time I learn a new foundation of truth it takes a few days for it to become strong enough to build the next layer of consciousness upon. As this happens, I see more each time.
I feel grateful. I feel grateful for you. Wow.
At first, perhaps, it was like I was climbing my way out of this whole thing - the trench I dug for myself - it’s taken this long to see that I was the only person digging. I’ll put the shovel down now and walk away to live my life.
Thank you. Thank you for loving me.
Part V: The Show
Today’s episode of the podcast is called The Show. It’s a tribute. It is a dedication to all the characters I have played over the years. Perhaps this is a time for me to acknowledge where I come from, let go of what needs to be released, and create space in my life to see who I really am. And, it’s nice to have a new understanding of what it means to take stock, release, and create space.
My intention with this episode is to use the time and space to express myself. For myself. I am maintaining a list of questions that have been asked to me over the years which are only now starting to make sense. Perhaps my current understanding of what “makes sense” will soon crumble away as the previous comprehensions have. “Who knows and who cares.” — Local Natives
I feel inspired to talk about responsibility and ownership. The type of responsibility that comes with acknowledging the way I was shaped, seeing what I can learn and integrate, refusing to accept that as my paradigm moving forward, and beginning to architect a new context for myself to step inside of, embody, and, eventually, integrate as a lifestyle.
To ask me a question that you’d like me to answer on tonight’s show, reply to this email.
This is the end.