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Today’s (Spooky) Big Stuff 10.31.22 🎃 👻

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Monday. Happy Halloween. There are eight freaking days until Election Day. Elon is exactly what we thought he was, Republicans think assassination attempts are hilarious and Tropical Trump gets tossed. 
Be advised: Boo! This newsletter uses profanity and scares the shit out of you.
Note: Holy shit! We love your costume! Sexy Patriot, right? We knew it! Well you are crushing it. It’s Halloween, it’s another fucked up insane crazy shitnuts news cycle and we’re just more than a week out from Election Day. So who’s ready to get nuts? 
We were watching an all-time classic movie last night — Ghostbusters — and we realized what an inspiring theme song Ray Parker Jr’s anthem “Ghostbusters” must’ve been to the frightened people of New York back when ghosts were terrorizing the city and Gozer the Gozerian was on its bullshit. “I ain’t afraid of no ghost.” Gives you goosebumps, doesn’t it? The way that man stared into the abyss of death and declared I SHALL NOT FEAR YOU, SPECTER! Well that’s how we’re going into this homestretch. We’re gonna do the work to save democracy and we’re going to do it with our chests puffed out goddamnit.
And yay though we walk through the valley of the death of democracy, we shall fear no dumbfuck for we are too too stubborn. This Halloween, we are all Ghostbusters, fighting violent forces that mean to rule us because they do not believe we can handle free will. So let us fire up these proton packs of justice, and let us cross the streams for democracy. We ain’t afraid of no ghosts! More: YouTube
Note two: If you’ve never seen Ghostbusters, that opening note must’ve meant nothing to you. But also, how have you never seen Ghostbusters? Anyway, here’s a Halloween treat everyone can enjoy…

Note three: We were gonna go as Elon but we couldn’t figure out how to put our butt cheeks where our brains are supposed to be. 
Note four: Have you already voted? How about your friends and family? Are we annoying the shit out of y’all with this? 
Note five: Speaking of twitter and Elon being a piece of shit, Sen. Chris Murphy announced this morning he is asking the Senate Foreign Relations committee to look into the Saudi-backed deal. Just in time, bro.
Note six: While we write this, the Supreme Court is hearing arguments so they can get rid of affirmative action. The liberal justices are not making it easy for them. More: CNN
Note seven: Stacey Abrams is done with Brian Kemp’s bullshit. All of Georgia should be.
Abrams: Yet he defended Herschel Walker saying he didn’t want to be involved in the personal life of his running mate but he doesn’t mind being involved in the personal lives of women.. What’s the difference? I would say it’s the equipment
Note eight: Can someone tell us why the New York Times spent the weekend acting like an assassination attempt on the Speaker of the House is no big deal? 
Note nine: “Dr.” Oz hired Jan. 6 people to be on his staff. Again, why doesn’t the New York Times care about this? More: Rolling Stone
Note 10: The documentary about Jerry Falwell and the pool boy comes out on Hulu tomorrow. Y’all are gonna shit yourselves when you see it. 
Note 11: Yeah, us too, Steve.
Steve Martin
I still get a little weepy when I vote.
Note 12: The Trump Organization is going on trial today. Opening statements are underway. It’s one of my reasons Trump spent the weekend screaming into the void on Truth Social. Guess he’ll have to play catch with Barron another time. More: NBC News
Note 13: LOL. Maggie Hassan’s opponent in New Hampshire — the guy who won his primary saying Trump actually won, then immediately said he didn’t and then said he wasn’t sure — got Trump’s endorsement. Trump literally calls him an “Election Denier” in the endorsement. Congrats, champ. More: Independent
Note 14: President Obama is hitting Arizona this week for Mark Kelly and Katie Hobbs. And he and President Biden are going to do a joint rally in Pennsylvania. 
Note 15: In case you missed him from this weekend, he is indeed both fired up and ready to go. 
Note 16: Kanye endorsed Herschel Walker over the weekend, calling him pro-life. Maybe that shit just means something different that we’ve thought all these years.
Note 17: If you know any young people who happen to like freedom and air you can breathe, tell them to vote.
Scott MacFarlane
From our new @CBSNews Battleground Tracker poll

“If big turnout from younger voters”
Note 18: The Jan. 6 committee got John Eastman’s criminal emails, and then he tried to file an appeal to stop them but they already had them. It’s pretty hilarious. More: CNN
Note 19: Here’s Stevie Nicks dressed up for Halloween…
Note 20: And on that note, let’s go trick or treat and save democracy. We hope you had an awesome weekend, Sexy Patriots, and we’re ready to sprint down this homestretch right beside you. So let’s get crazy!
Fuck Elon
We’re probably going to use that heading a lot. Yeah, the miserable d-bag spent the weekend spreading anti-LGBTQ conspiracy theories about Paul Pelosi using a shitty internet news source that reported in 2016 Hillary Clinton was actually dead. So yeah, that’s where Twitter is going. He later deleted the idiotic tweet, but not before everyone saw what a miserable shit-eating dunce he is. He also wants to charge people to have blue checks. He can have ours. And kiss our asses while he’s at it. More: NBC News
So fucking gross
The Republican Party is a bunch of fucking monsters. And not in the cutesy Halloween way. We mean in the straight up luring kids into the sewer to eat them way. How do we know this? Well last week a man who believed a bunch of crazy QAnon shit broke into Speaker Pelosi’s house looking for her and then cracked her husband’s skull with a hammer. Instead of showing compassion or calling for calm and peace, a bunch of Republicans made jokes and spread lies about the attack. From Don Jr. to Rep. Clay Higgins, they just thought attempted murder was hilarious. We hope they all eat shit and choke on it. More: The Advertiser, Business Insider
Let’s go Brazil Brandon
That’s not really accurate or even all that smart, but we’re celebrating a little because Bolsonaro, the Tropical Trump, got beat in Brazil yesterday. This is great news for people with lungs who like breathing and want the Amazon rainforest to live. Of course Bolonaro has so far refused to concede, Trumpland is calling for a coup and social media now belongs to Dork Hitler. So yeah, who the fuck knows what happens next, but thanks, Brazil! More: CNN
Today’s clips
A massive barrage of Russian strikes on Monday morning hit critical infrastructure in Kyiv, Kharkiv and other cities, knocking out water and power supplies in apparent retaliation for what Moscow alleged was a Ukrainian attack on its Black Sea Fleet over the weekend. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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