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Today's Big Stuff 8.9.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Tuesday. There are 91 days until the midterm elections. The Jan. 6 committee has some interesting guests, Biden starts signing bills and holy crap y’all already know. 
Be advised: We were gonna bleep out all the cussing but then we were like fuck that shit. 
Note: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Sexy Patriots! They raided Trump’s South Florida Orgy Palace! We always wondered if a day like this would come, and when it did, we had no idea how to handle it. Adam was catatonic for hours. Sam took off all his clothes and ran off down the street doing a half-jog half-happy dance. Nobody has seen him since. 

Fed's Raided Mar-A-Lago. Oh shit.... Shit's poppin off.
Well put, Ice. It sure seems like yesterday was the day that shit got real, and we are very much here for it. But today’s opening note is for the ass-smooching cousin-fucking Trump trash who are threatening our country with a civil war over their gameshow host daddy. On behalf of everyone here at TBS, we’re inviting them to fuck off.
You want an actual war between the states with a Gettysburg and an Antietam because your orange asshat got his tacky home searched?! Ok fine. March your ass out there, and we’ll meet up with you in like an hour. Don’t worry if we’re late. Just wait, and we’ll get there eventually.
If we can be a little fucking serious for a moment, these are wild and unprecedented times, so be on the lookout for wild and unprecedented shit. Also be on the lookout for Sam. We’re starting to get a little worried.
Note two: Just a little reminder that we’re gonna take Thursday and Friday off this week. What can we say? The Scream took it all out of us. 
Note three: We probably should be concerned by the shocking fascist rhetoric of Republican leaders, but we mostly can’t help but laugh a little. McCarthy wants Garland to preserve everything? Sorry, bro, that was the before times. Garland can shred anything, wipe everything and tell you to stick your subpoenas up your sorry ass. You built this world, homeboy. More: The Hill
Note four: We’re beginning to think this sleaze ain’t the genius people said he was.
Andrew Yang🧢⬆️🇺🇸
I’m no Trump fan. I want him as far away from the White House as possible. But a fundamental part of his appeal has been that it’s him against a corrupt government establishment. This raid strengthens that case for millions of Americans who will see this as unjust persecution.
Note five: If you’re looking for a good movie, check out Prey on Hulu. It’s Predator from the 1980s, but instead of Arnold, the hero is a young Commanche woman. It’s intense but oh so good.
Note six: Btw, the press is handling this Trump search about as well as you’d think which is to say they are completely shitting the bed.
Note seven: Oh damn. The greatest to ever do it is stepping down. Congratulations to the GOAT.
The New York Times
Breaking News: Serena Williams said she planned to retire from tennis after playing in this year’s U.S. Open.
Note eight: The entire Republican Party is screaming “defund the FBI.” Isn’t that supposed to be the worst thing you can say in politics? Or does that just apply to Black people who don’t want to be murdered?
Note nine: Blue is on the offensive in Wisconsin. Have you checked out that race yet? Mandela Barnes needs all our help. More: NBC News
Note 10: Huge thanks to President Biden for visiting flood-ravaged Kentucky yesterday. What a major embarrassment for the commonwealth that neither of the state’s two senators felt compelled to join the president.
Aaron Rupar
Biden, speaking to victims of flooding in Kentucky, is very good at speeches like this
Note 11: LOL. Last night Trump thanked Sarah Palin for the job she did as vice president. We’d say the pressure is getting to him, but he’s always been a fucking moron.
Note 12: The Daily Beast has gotten a little suspect in the last year, but this story about Tucker being “shitting himself scare” about his texts to Alex Jones leaking is fantastic. More: The Daily Beast
Note 13: Speaking of Jones, he fucking sucks. But also, his texts have been turned over to the Jan. 6 committee. Don’t get your hopes up though. CNN is saying there’s nothing in there about Jan. 6. More: CNN
Note 14: Rudy is trying to get out of testifying in Georgia. We should just tell him it’s a family reunion. He’d be there in two seconds with no pants on. More: Washington Post
Note 15: Oh hey btw we’re about to pass major legislation combating inflation and it’s already working. Be sure to show this to any internet troll asshole who says it won’t actually combat inflation. More: CNBC
Note 16: How fucking scared do you think Matt Gaetz is right now? 
Note 17: Goddamnit. We hate this one so much. RIP to Olivia Newton-John. 
Classic Rock In Pics
Elton John and Oliva Newton-John at the premiere of the film Grease, at Studio 54. #RIPOliviaNewtoJohn
Note 18: Believe it or not, we’re gonna wrap up the notes section a little early today. We can’t believe it either. But we’re eager to get back to our new favorite hobby of watching Republicans cry. We hope y’all are having a great week so far, and we just know that today is gonna be a great day. Love y’all!
Come on down
The Jan. 6 committee is still working. Today the committee will hear from former secretary of state and disgrace to West Point Mike Pompeo, who is currently having a fit on twitter over his former boss getting his home searched. The committee will also hear from insurrectionist Doug Mastriano, who is running for governor of Pennsylvania. We’re guessing neither of these shitheads will be all that helpful or hygienic. More: CNN
The pen is
Mightier than the sword. Y’all thought we were going in a different direction there, didn’t ya? We kid. We get goofy when the president is about to start signing a bunch of kick-ass legislation into law. Today Biden is signing the CHIPS bill. We never did really learn what this was aside from a boon to manufacturing and the trojan horse they used to fuck over McConnell. That last part makes it one of our favorite bills ever. More: CNBC
Remember the date
So yeah, the FBI executed a search warrant on Mar-a-Lago. We hope they wore gloves. Trump and Fox News immediately declared war on the United States, and the usual suspects at CNN went right back to telling us what good news this is for Trump’s campaign. We don’t know what’s going to happen next. The people on tv don’t either. But we sure hope the bell is finally fucking tolling for that miserable dumb shit. More: Huff Post
Today’s clips
Alex Jones, the Infowars host who’s been ordered to pay tens of millions in damages for spreading lies that the Sandy Hook school shooting was a hoax, may now have another problem closer to home.
The far-right conspiracy theorist sent an “intimate photo” of his wife to longtime Donald Trump crony Roger Stone, according to a lawyer for the Sandy Hook parents who won their defamation lawsuit against Jones. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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