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Today's Big Stuff 8.8.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
8.8.22
It’s Monday. There are 92 days until the midterm elections. Elise Stefanik gets a vision of her future, Republicans are cheating to win the House and we did it, Joe.
Be advised: We also cuss even when we’re happy. Woo-fucking-hoo.
Note: Sexy Patriots! How about that shit for a fucking weekend? While we were all resting our throats after an awesome Great American Scream, the U.S. Senate was getting some righteous shit done for the American people — and the planet. It was so great, we just kept fucking screaming. Our neighbors have started a petition. 

Brian Schatz
I’m still just ridiculously stoked.
Us too, bro. But it’s so much more than bringing down drug prices or finally addressing climate change. The real victory here is showing people that our government can be functional and it can be a force for good in people’s lives. We fucking pay for it. It should work for us. And now people are seeing what can get done when it does work. We’re showing people you can do things they didn’t think could be done. It’s like when Republicans were like hey check it out we’re gonna see if we can fit our whole heads up Trump’s orange ass and we were like no that’s gross you don’t need to do that you can have some self respect and they were like no we’re climbing up to the top of this high diving board and we’re gonna jump head first right up Trump’s ass and we were like well we don’t get it but we can’t stop you and then they jumped and it made a horrible noise and they were gone forever. 
So yeah, our version of showing voters something new is way better. Less poop too. So let’s take this astonishing list of legislative achievements and let’s show this country there is a better way than fascism and butt-diving. 
Note two: Just a couple of logistical things — 1. Thanks so much again to everyone who joined the Scream. That was fun as hell, and we’re grateful to y’all for joining us. 2. When we make a joke that ends with some made-up phrase like butt-diving, we take that as a sign that we need to take a couple of days to recharge. So we hope you’ll forgive us, but we’re gonna take this Thursday and Friday off. 
Note three: President Biden is heading to Sam’s native Kentucky today to survey the flood damage with Gov. Andy Beshear. Thanks for being a president for all Americans, Joe. More: CNN
Note four: So there’s a new round of Trump book excerpts from people who should’ve published this shit when they found out about it. We don’t want to encourage shitty behavior, so we’ll just share this tweet.
Peter Baker
@sbg1 @NewYorker Trump soured on generals who he thought should be loyal like he thought Hitler's officers were.

“You fucking generals, why can’t you be like the German generals?” Trump demanded.

"Which generals?" John Kelly asked.

"The German generals in World War II," Trump said.
Note five: There was one excerpt that’s so goddamn delicious we gave in and saved it for the news section. 
Note six: Ahmaud Arbery’s killers are getting sentenced today. Is it possible for a judge to just send them straight to the worst part of hell? More: CNN
Note seven: We seriously can’t fucking believe what the Senate did this week. When is the last time we got this much good news out of D.C. on a weekend? 
Note eight: Well this is super fucked up. Michigan AG Dana Nessel is asking for a special prosecutor because the dude she’s running against was allegedly part of a conspiracy to tamper with voting machines. How the fuck are we ever gonna have elections in this country ever again? More: CNN
Note nine: After getting in the endzone yesterday, Chuck Schumer — who we never doubted for one goddamn second — said the Senate will take up marriage equality when they return in September. Hell yeah. 
Note 10: We don’t think very highly of CBS or Marge Brennan. But credit where it’s due. Because this shit was just brutal.
Aaron Rupar
Brennan: You said we should start electing people we would hire. Herschel Walker lied about number of kids he has, his ex-wife says he held a gun to her head. Blake Masters called the unabomber an underrated thinker. Would you hire them?

Scott: Voters are going to make a choice https://t.co/2b0zk5Vb1g
Note 11: So is bringing back fucking polio how you make America great again? More: CBS News
Note 12: We’re really terrified that any of Trump’s Senate candidates could win, but man they are hilariously fucking dumb and bad at politics. If they don’t kill us all, this will be really funny to watch. More: Axios
Note 13: We don’t live in Arizona so help us out. Do independent voters there like it when a shit-eating lunatic declares she “drove a stake through the heart of the McCain Machine?” Seems pretty fucking crazy to us. 
Citizen Free Press
Kari Lake:

"We drove a stake through the heart of the McCain Machine" https://t.co/McFJXhLngb
Note 14: Can you believe Senate Republicans voted against capping insulin at $35? Of course you can. Maybe a better way to ask the question is ARE YOU READY TO MAKE THOSE DIRTY MOTHERFUCKERS EAT THAT VOTE THIS NOVEMBER? More: NBC News
Note 15: Over the weekend, Marjorie Taylor Gross said at the 37th CPAC this month that she’d like to be either veep or president. We don’t know whether to laugh until we crap our pants or move into an underground bunker and spend the rest of our days crying over the death of humanity. NO LINK
Note 16: Why the hell is it not a bigger huger massiver deal that the fucking Pentagon helped Trump cover up his coup attempt? More: CNN
Note 17: Red States are gonna be in quite the jam when they realize people don’t want to work in places run by taliban assholes. More: CNBC
Note 18: We think we fucked up and forgot to include this when it was announced, but here’s some excitement that’s way overdue. More: NBC News
Note 19: So Trump is still trying to overturn the 2020 election in Wisconsin. And that lunatic judge Gabelman has turned on the Assembly Speaker who hired and funded him, appearing at a Trump rally and then cutting an ad for his opponent. It is all supremely fucked up. More: New York Times
Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s do some news! Thanks again for joining us this weekend. Y’all are the fucking best. We hope you’re ready to kick some ass this week. We’ve got three months to remind the American people who’s really working for them. And it ain’t Matt fucking Gaetz. Love y’all! 
Happy Monday indeed
So y’all know we hate these books from political reporters that include shit they should’ve told us months earlier. And normally we nurse that grudge to the point that we don’t share much of any of the revelations. But this one was just too fucking good. But we’ll warn you, it includes a picture of Trump’s toilet. Actually two pictures. They are from Maggie’s book, and they are pictures of torn up documents in Trump’s toilet. Which is illegal. But that’s not the best part. The best part is that Elise Stefanik’s miserable fucking name is written on one of the pieces of torn up paper resting at the bottom of Trump’ shitter. That’s right, Elise. You’re with the poop. Think of it as a crystal ball. LOLOL.
Joyce Alene
If you're POTUS, whatever you're up to that's so bad that you have to (try to-so inept) destroy records by flushing your notes (in violation of the official records act among other things) must be really bad. Subpoenas for Stefanik & Rogers (Ark or AL)? https://t.co/y0QosE4HPM
So fucked up
For all the good news we’ve been enjoying lately, there is one piece of really bad news that we can’t ignore or forget — Republicans are cheating to win back the House and they’re probably gonna get away with it. The NYT has a story about how Republicans are using illegal maps in four states — Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana and Ohio — and the courts are letting them. That could give them anywhere from five to seven seats automatically. Y’all, we’ve really got our work cut out for us this year. More: New York Times
Hell fucking yeah
This is just to celebrate some more Joe Biden and the Democrats’ enormous big-time super-fucking-duper win this weekend. This shit is so big we could cuss-cry. And add it to the list — a gun deal, the rescue plan, the infrastructure deal, the CHIPS bill. Gas prices are going down, jobs are way up. We’ve been doing this newsletter for a few years now, and we can tell you this is the most good news we’ve had to process since we started. It’s a good feeling. Really fucking weird. But good. More: CNN
Today’s clips
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) got a rare reprimand for failing to follow the Senate’s decorum rules after he attacked Sen. Maggie Hassan (D-N.H.) over a voting tactic early Sunday, The Hill reported. More: Huff Post
A Florida prosecutor vowed Sunday to fight his suspension from office by Gov. Ron DeSantis over his promise not to enforce the state’s 15-week abortion ban and support for gender transition treatments for minors. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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