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Today’s Big Stuff 8.4.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 8.4.22
It’s Thursday. There are 96 days until the midterm elections. Giuliani gets another pass, Alex Jones poops himself and man Josh Hawley really sucks.
Be advised: This newsletter uses a lot of ugly words like fuck, shit and Mitch McConnell.

Note: Sexy Patriots! Are you ready to SCREAM?!!!!!! Tomorrow is the big day as we at TBS are ready to kick off the Great American Scream tomorrow afternoon at 1 pm ET. Now we will straight up admit this might be one of our dumbest idea. But you know what? We have lots of dumb ideas, and in America, we don’t let dumb stop us or even slow us down. 
These last few years have just been repeated kicks to the taint with a steel-toed boot. And in the days after Roe was struck down by a handful of goat-fucking shit-eating assbrains, we realized we wanted to scream our goddamn lungs out. And then we figured, hey, all the Sexy Patriots probably want to scream their goddamn lungs out too. And then we thought, well what if we all screamed our goddamn lungs out together? 
So tomorrow afternoon (or late morning for the West Coasters), look to the sky, open your mouth and let it all out. We’re guessing a lot of y’all have been practicing since 2016. We know we have. 
Note two: In case you need any extra motivation, here’s the most awful fucking story we’ve seen in a while. It is also the perfect metaphor for Trump’s ‘24 campaign.
NYT Science
The pigs had been lying dead in the lab for an hour — no blood circulating, their hearts still, their brain waves flat. When researchers injected a solution called OrganEx into their bodies, their hearts beat and organ cells started to function again.
Note three: BTW, we also want to make sure that our Canadian and Mexican friends know they are welcome to join us or the Scream tomorrow. They have to deal with our bullshit too, so we’re sure they could use a good scream. 
Note four: Well gosh, why would there be a teacher shortage? Doesn’t everyone want to work for bad pay just to be called a groomer by a Republican fuckhead? More: Washington Post
Note five: Next week should be a good one as the president will start signing some bills into law. Monday is the vets bill that Republicans just tried to kill, and on Tuesday he’ll sign the CHIPS bill. Mr. President, we are begging you from the bottom of our cold sexy hearts, please do not heap praise on the people trying to end our democracy. More: CNN
Note six: Happy birthday to President Obama.
Happy 61st Birthday Barack Obama

“That’s what I do!”
Note seven: Here are some things we missed in recapping Tuesday’s elections — that QAnon asshole in Arizona came in last place (Business Insider), Kobach the election-lying butt-sniffer is the GOP nominee for SOS in Kansas (KCUR) and the Missouri Republican who tied up a woman in his dungeon lost (PBS).
Note eight: Dear Beltway pundits and the NYT ed board — Democrats didn’t make Republicans treason-loving trump-junkies. They did that all on their own. Stop trying to make Peter Meijer John fucking McCain.
Note nine: Viktor Orban recently said that he doesn’t want his country to be of mixed-race. So naturally he just met with Trump and will be speaking at the same conference in Texas. Maybe the New York Times ed board can get mad about something that’s actually really fucked up. More: Business Insider
Note 10: Ivanka and Don Jr. testified in New York. Guess when you bury your mom at her ex-husband’s golf course you’re probably not the type to have an extended grieving process. More: CNN
Note 11: The gun nuts are ready to start making our world hell thanks to the Supreme Court. They’re so fucking pro-life it’s killing us. More: ABC News
Note 12: It’s scary seeing some of the anti-American whackos who are winning Republican primaries. But it’s hard not to delight a little in seeing Frankenstein’s monster fuck up Frankenstein. More: AP News
Note 13: Oh and this is the Trump trash who is trying to take out the Trump trash Wisconsin Assembly Speaker.
Reid J. Epstein
NEW: Adam Steen, who Trump just endorsed in a primary against Wisconsin Assembly Speaker Robin Vos, not only wants to overturn the result of the 2020 election, he also would ban contraception.

“Yes, I would definitely outlaw contraception,” Steen told me.
Note 14: Just to be clear, in yesterday’s newsletter we were hailing the great victory for ABORTION rights in Kansas. We don’t know what abortinos are, but we did laugh our asses off at some of your suggestions. 
Note 15: Today in several races around the country, Democrats launched ads focused on abortion. This is the goddamn motherfuckin’ way. More: Detroit News
Note 16: Need any extra motivation to help make sure Gretchen Whitmer stays in office? Well here ya go…
Rachel Louise Just
MIGOP co-chair Meshawn Maddock: “Tudor Dixon is a much younger, smarter, and hotter Gretchen Whitmer.”
Note 17: Russian scumbags say they want to put Brittney Griner in jail for nine and a half years. Let’s hope President Biden gets her home soon and those fuckers rot in hell for nine and a half eternities. More: ESPN
Note 18: Have we mentioned how much we hate Kyrsten Sinema? More: HuffPost
Note 19: We’ve always liked Ted Lieu’s style. If he keeps this up, there might be a place for him writing for TBS.
Ted Lieu
Oh cool, Kari Lake is now going to contest her own win.

Yep, MAGA Republicans are batshit crazy.
Note 20: Alrighty-o, SPs! Let’s do some motherflipping news! We’re so excited to do some screaming with y’all tomorrow. Shoot us an email and let us know if you have a special message you’re going to scream. We were thinking we’d go with a classic like FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK!!!! But we’re open to suggestions. Y’all have a great Thursday.
That’s not for the scream. It’s our reaction to finding out Rudy goddamn Giuliani is getting another goddamn pass from SDNY, which apparently doesn’t fight any fucking crimes at all if they’re committed by Republican assholes. This is such fucking bullshit. If you can’t see Rudy committing crimes, then you’re not fucking looking. What an absolute fucking joke. Just like Rudy. 
More: NY Times
Oh damn
If you’ve been watching any of the Alex Jones defamation trial, then you saw some seriously dramatic shit yesterday when the Sandy Hook parents’ lawyer was like hey asshole you remember when you refused to send us your texts and emails? Well we’ve got your whole fucking phone. It was stunning. And now the Jan. 6 committee wants that phone. Have fun being a horrible piece of pig shit, Alex!
More: CNN
Pee-pants Hawley
Yesterday the Senate voted 95-1 to ratify Sweden and Finland joining NATO. The one no vote? Josh fucking Hawley. Yeah, apparently when he’s not instigating domestic terrorists or running from them while crapping himself he finds time to be Putin’s little biotch. And he’s not alone. Rand Paul only voted present, but he also craps himself and finds time to be Putin’s little biotch. 
More: CNN
Today’s clips
Republican senators were surprised by Tuesday’s huge win for abortion rights in Kansas, of all places, even as they sought to downplay the electoral implications for their party ahead of November’s midterm elections.
“It’s definitely a wake-up call for us,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) acknowledged on Wednesday.
More: HuffPost
Indiana Republican Rep. Jackie Walorski has died in a car accident that also killed two of Walorski’s staffers, House Republican leaders announced Wednesday.
More: CNN
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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