View profile

Today's Big Stuff 8.3.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Wednesday. There are 97 days until the midterm elections. The Pentagon gets in on the Jan. 6 cover-up, Arizona Republicans nominate serial killers and Trump’s lawyer gets a grand jury subpoena. 
Be advised: Is this a cussin’ newsletter? You bet your sweet fuckin’ ass it is. 
Note: Are there any Sexy Patriots in the house today?! Well there you are! Welcome to the middle of a confounding week that has left us angry, optimistic, confused and a little hungry. But we’d like to help sort out of the confusion if we may. And then maybe a sandwich. 
First of all, we never doubted Kansas for one second. Are you freaking kidding us, you gorgeous Jayhawks?! For those who ain’t seen it, Kansas voters overwhelmingly voted against an amendment to ban abortion rights. That earns a trademark TBS HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

The New York Times
Abortion rights supporters won a huge victory in Kansas, one of the most conservative U.S. states, with voters rejecting a constitutional amendment that would have let legislators ban or significantly restrict abortion.

Here's a look at what happened.
Now you’ll hear the a-holes and the haters poking holes in what this means. So allow us to tell you what it means — It’s fucking Kansas, y’all. Trump won there by like 15 points full-on pandemic (yeah we know) and just a couple short months before he violently tried to overthrow the government. It’s got some spectacular blue, but it’s still a pretty damn red state. And they were like no fucking thanks, Sam Alito, keep your bullshit away from us. Kansas, we love you. You’re looking all kinds of sexy patriotic. And we never doubted you for a second.
Similarly, we never once insulted Democratic hero Joe Manchin, and we resent the implication. Joe Manchin is the best person ever and it’s a dirty lie to say that we ever said bad things about him. When we told him to wear his own ass as a mask, an ass-mask if you will, we were doing it because we didn’t want him to catch covid. Thank you for allowing us to clarify. 
Aaron Rupar
“Harris, are you afraid we’re going to do something good that’ll help our country?” — Joe Manchin to Harris Faulkner, setting her off
Note two: We’re kidding. Joe Manchin is definitely fucking not the best person ever. In fact, as far as people go, he’s just moved out of the “sweaty hate dreams” category. 
Note three: It’s almost here! The Great American Scream is this Friday at 1 pm ET. Are you ready to unleash years of stress, frustration and pissed-offedness? We are too!
You can signup up to participate in the Great American Scream here.
You can share the Great American Scream on twitter here.
Note four: Let’s go back to Kansas for a second. They sent a giant fuck you to Sam Alito and Mitch McConnell, and you can bet your ass Repbulicans are terrified this morning. Let’s keep them that way. More: CNN
Note five: We have an update on whether Arizona trash Kyrsten Sinema is going to fuck over the whole planet. She told CNN this morning she’s “taking my time.” So there you have it. What a great fucking system. 
Note six: RIP to Vin Scully.
Mike Beauvais
April 8, 1974.

Henry Aaron hits his 715th home run to break Babe Ruth’s all-time record.

Vin Scully on the call.

The best to ever do it. RIP
Note seven: In Michigan, Republicans nominated Trump’s lunatic for governor. They didn’t nominate the dude who was arrested for being a Jan. 6 asshole. He came in fourth. And says he won’t concede. More: Detroit News
Note eight: So we want to take a minute and thank Jon Stewart. That dude really did it. He didn’t do a photo-op. He was part of a fight. And he fought until he won. Thanks, Jon.
Frank Thorp V
Emotional moment as Jon Stewart hugs a crying Rosie Torres just after the Senate passed the PACT Act. Torres and her husband Le Roy started @Burnpit360 after he faced complications from illnesses that began after he was exposed to toxic fumes during service in Iraq.
Note nine: Remember how Trump and Stephen Miller tore families apart because they had brown skin? Well Biden is reuniting them. You haven’t heard about it because our national media is more broken than our national politics. More: NBC News
Note 10: This is big. Today the president is signing an EO to protect women who travel for abortinos. We know after last night that this issue is motivating Americans like crazy. Good for Biden for leading on it. Even if he was a little slow out of the gate. More: CNN
Note 11: We don’t know what we love more — the lowest uninsured rate ever or the Obama-Biden bro-ship. 
Barack Obama
You bet, Joe. 31 million folks enrolled and the lowest uninsured rate ever. Now Congress needs to pass the Inflation Reduction Act to build on this progress.
Note 12: Five former treasury secretaries are out with a letter supporting the Manchin-Schumer bill. A lot of smart people think this is a good idea. So expect Congress to fuck it up. More: Axios
Note 13: Just a reminder that Biden took out a super terrorist this week. More: CNN
Note 14: Susan Collins, Sinema, Lisa Murkowksi and Tim Kaine put out a bill that is supposed to protect abortion rights. But because it doesn’t none of the reproductive rights groups or Elizabeth Warren are supporting it. Great work, team. More: Salon
Note 15: Ron Johson is an asshole. And he seems to want every Wisconsin voter to know it. We really need to put Mandela Barnes in that seat.
Heartland Signal
NEW: On the The Regular Joe Show, Sen. Ron. Johnson (R-WI) argues for eliminating entitlements: "Social Security and Medicare, if you qualify, you just get it no matter what the cost... We ought to turn everything into discretionary spending so it's all evaluated."
Note 16: Just a quick btw about that burn-pit bill for our wounded veterans — 11 Republicans still voted against it. Our favorite? Captain Courageous Mittens Romney joining with Rand Paul to tell our vets to go fuck themselves. More: KUER
Note 17: Congrats to Jim Obergefell, who not only fought for marriage equality in this nation and won but who also won a Democratic primary for the state legislature in Ohio. Sure, he didn’t have an opponent, but we still love to see it. More: NBC News
Note 18: We don’t understand this new dumbshit country one bit. More: USA Today
Note 19: If you’ve been following the Alex Jones courtroom stuff, are you like us and about to lose your shit at what a miserable scumbag that guy is? More: CNN
Note 20: Even the most anti-Biden pundits are having to admit he’s on a roll…
Jake Tapper
Between infrastructure, gun safety, CHIPs, and the PACT Act, all passed in less than a year, I can't recall a period of so many big and substantive bipartisan accomplishments for Congress.

With a 50/50 Senate.
Note 21: Alright, SPs, let’s go do the news section. If you live in Kansas, thank you for making our week. If you don’t, we still love you. Have a great, sexy day!
You know how DHS and the Secret Service wiped their phones from Jan. 6 and it’s a shocking cover-up that makes it really fucking clear that we can’t trust the department or the agency until we clean house? Well they did the same fucking shit at the Pentagon. This is a MASSIVE cover-up of a domestic terror attack on the United States launched by a sitting president. We’ve just about run out of words for how fucked up that is. More: CNN
Not bad, right? Yes, we’re very proud of ourselves. We’re also crapping our pants over the freakshow slate of candidates that Arizona Republicans nominated. For the U.S. Senate, they picked Blake Masters, a man who wants to do away with “entitlement” programs and who loves to praise Nazis (true story). Then you have SOS candidate Mark Finchem, who is a no-good piece of shit insurrectionist who will not certify elections that Democrats win. And lastly, thanks to a late night ballot dump which we’re sure means fraud, Crazy Eyes Kari Lake will likely be the gubernatorial nominee. If even one of these fuckers gets in, we can kiss our democracy goodbye. More: Yahoo News
Loose Cips sink ships
Ok so that one is not as good. But you’ll still be happy to know that Trump White House counsel Pat Cippilone has received a subpoena from the D.C. grand jury investigating Jan. 6. This is big news. There are reports that he will try and fight it by claiming executive privilege, but that dog won’t hunt. It feels like prosecutors are closing in. It also feels like they’re racing against the clock. More: CNN
Today’s clips
Two Republicans in Arizona worried a plan by then-President Donald Trump’s lawyers to create a slate of fake electors to keep him in office would be “treasonous,” according to emails obtained by The New York Times. More: Huff Post
In between getting mercilessly dunked upon by his opponent, John Fetterman, Pennsylvania’s Republican candidate for Senate, Mehmet Oz, spends his time being extremely creepy to women. More: Jezebel
Support Today’s Big Stuff
If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to
Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.
Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.
So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.
So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.
Did you enjoy this issue? Yes No
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

In order to unsubscribe, click here.
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Created with Revue by Twitter.