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Today’s Big Stuff 8.2.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 8.2.22
It’s Tuesday. There are 98 days until the midterm elections. The speaker visits Taiwan, Republicans don’t want to fight inflation and elections are just a game when you’re a gameshow host. 
Be advised: This newsletter makes swear-jar owners rich as fuck.
We want to apologize to Today’s Big Stuff subscribers. We wrote this newsletter but twitter’s newsletter service was down all morning. Again.

Note: Well howdy, Sexy Patriots! Welcome to the Tuesday TBS. We see you’ve decided to join us while being all sexy and patriotic. Fantastic choice. Today we will be offering a valuable service in addition to immature jokes and lots and lots of cuss words. Yes, today we will be offering the official TBS Joe Biden Translator. 
But TBS, you’re so good looking and we don’t need a translator for Joe Biden because he’s not a total fucking idiot like the last guy. We hear you, and we appreciate it. But a lot of people see him as Grandpa Joe and they don’t know that behind that veneer of civility, Joey Biden is actually a bad motherfucker. So here goes —
When Biden says “folks,” he’s really saying “Mitch McConnell can kiss my fine ass.” When he says “literally,” he’s saying “Josh Hawley is a gutless little crap-sniffing weasel.” Malarkey? Well that means “Donald Trump is a goat-fucking scumbag.” And oddly enough, the craziest one is when he says “folks, this is not hyperbole.” Yeah, what he’s really saying is “Kevin McCarthy has sex with inanimate objects and somehow still leaves them unsatisfied because he’s a pathetic loser kiss-ass who eats his own shit and then shits that out and eats it again.” 
But the most important Biden-speak is this…
President Biden
On Saturday, at my direction, the United States successfully conducted an airstrike in Kabul, Afghanistan that killed the emir of al-Qa’ida: Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Justice has been delivered.
Yeah, when Joey Badass says “justice has been delivered,” he really means he just killed the fuck out of a terrorist. It’s one of our favorites. Nice work, Mr. President. 
Note two: So until Kyrsten Sinema does something that makes us all hate her more, it’s more than fair to say that Biden and Democrats are on a roll right now. It’s almost easy to forget that our dying planet is going to shit. But we haven’t forgotten. That’s why we’re full-speed ahead on Friday’s Great American Scream. Are you ready to let the universe hear you?
Note three: Veterans are still camping outside the Capitol because Republicans fucked them over. Seems like pretty shitty politics, doesn’t it? More: NBC News
Note four: We might hate Sam Alito more than anyone involved in politics. To be fair, he clearly hates us too. More: Slate
Note five: How scummy is the Saudi golf tour? So scummy that they managed to make Tiger Woods look like a man of integrity.
SportsCenter
Woods has been among the most outspoken supporters of the PGA Tour during its ongoing battle with LIV Golf.

More: https://t.co/0kvt07fHxN https://t.co/lqmHx4ZSvK
Note six: Speaking of scummy Saudis, that’s whose asses Trump was kissing this weekend while Joe Biden was taking out terrorists. Just sayin’. 
Note seven: If you’re in Kansas and registered to vote, vote NO to protect the right to abortion. Yeah, it’s confusing as shit. More: The Guardian
Note eight: Here’s the Manchin trade-off. It sucks ass, but we’ll happily eat it in exchange for the rest of the bill. Assuming Sinema doesn’t fuck it all up. More: CNN
Note nine: California and Illinois have declared a state of emergency for monkeypox. That seems like a made-up headline from a dystopian future until you realize it’s not made up and the dystopian future is now. More: CBS News
Note 10: So it’s so cool that Republican dumbfucks have decided they just won’t recognize Joe Biden as president. Good to know we have that option if those losers install their orange hero again. More: RGJ
Note 11: How is it possible to feel like we’re making progress and sprinting backwards at the same time?
Chuck Schumer
NEWS: The Senate has just confirmed Michael Langley to be a four-star general in the United States Marine Corps. He’s been a Marine for more than 35 years. He's led an impressive career.

And he’s now the first Black four-star general in the history of the Marines. https://t.co/LKyszXVxnE
Note 12: You remember that Jan. 6 asshole who got turned in by his own son? Well he got sentenced to seven years in the clink yesterday. Sucks because he’s actually a really cool guy. Nah, we’re just fucking with you. The reality is he kinda got off easy. Prosecutors wanted 15 years with a terrorism enhancement and a Trump judge said no. More: NBC News
Note 13: We’re really hoping that Biden will now start taking out Trump-era inspectors general because these motherfuckers are dirty. (Note within a note: We don’t actually want Biden to use drones with blades to kill Trump’s IGs. Just firing them is cool.) More: CNN
Note 14: So does the Supreme Court respect all religions or just the one they’re trying to shove down our throats? More: Washington Post
Note 15: It’s pretty insane that Republicans tried to violently overturn an election and we’ve done nothing to protect election workers. More: CNN
Note 16: Please try to ignore the gross scummy evil shit that Kentucky politicians do and help the state recover from flooding that has killed about 40 people. More: CNN
Note 17: We’re doing something today we don’t normally do and frankly we hate ourselves for it. But y’all really need to see this Politico story. We’ll go back to boycotting their sleazy asses tomorrow, but this is some fucked up shit. More: Politico
Note 18: We need there to be a hell because we need to know Alex Jones is going there and demons will shit in his mouth all day long. More: Reuters
Note 19: Here’s today’s reminder that it might feel like we’re living in a craphole, but we’re actually living in a vast, gorgeous and magical universe. 
Space Telescope Science Institute
#NASAWebb provides us with a rich view of the crimson “spokes” of gas that feed into the Cartwheel Galaxy’s central active black hole.

Explore the details of Webb’s observation of this interacting galaxy: https://t.co/E4VhVCmh3I

#UnfoldTheUniverse https://t.co/kuQ6Dcfzrl
Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, to the news! For the first time in a long time, we’ve got some momentum. If it feels weird, we get that. After all, we’re Democrats. But let’s use it to keep kicking ass and win some elections this November. Love y’all!
Not the best timing
While we were writing today, Speaker Pelosi landed in Taiwan, becoming the first American leader to do so in 25 years. We think it’s very cool that the speaker is standing up for a free and independent people. We do wish it had happened on a day when we weren’t talking about how Biden took out a major fucking terrorist, but the speaker doesn’t ask us for scheduling advice. China has been full of threats over this visit, but as far as we’re concerned, they can fuck off. 
Assholes
Republicans are fighting the new Manchin-Schumer deal with everything they’ve got. The WSJ editorial board is already lying about it, McConnell is calling it a job-killer (Fun fact: During Mitch’s last full month as majority leader, the economy lost 140,000 jobs and the unemployment rate was a full three points higher than it is today). But a new report shows that the bill will put downward pressure on inflation. So why the fuck are these assholes voting to keep inflation high? Oh right. Because they’re assholes. 
More: CNN
The Erics
While Joe Biden was announcing that he took out a major terrorist, Trump was once again showing everyone that American elections are just a big joke to him. Yeah, orange assface put out an oh-so-clever statement yesterday endorsing “Eric” in the Missouri primary. Of course there are two irredeemable shit-eaters named Eric running for the Senate nomination. And of course because it’s a party of soulless idiots, both Erics said that Trump had endorsed them. Sigh. Even for that stupid motherfucker, this is pretty stupid.
More: NBC News
Today’s clips
Before he gave the order to kill Ayman al-Zawahiri, President Joe Biden wanted to intimately understand where the al Qaeda leader was hiding.
The US drone strike that killed Zawahiri on his balcony in downtown Kabul was the product of months of highly secret planning by Biden and a tight circle of his senior advisers. Among the preparations was a small-scale model of Zawahiri’s safe house, constructed by intelligence officials and placed inside the White House Situation Room for Biden to examine as he debated his options.
More: CNN
Arizona Attorney General Mark Brnovich said Monday his investigators found just one dead voter after thoroughly reviewing findings from a partisan review of the 2020 election that alleged 282 ballots were cast in the name of someone who had died.
More: HuffPost
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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