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Today's Big Stuff 8.10.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Wednesday. There are 90(!!!) days until the midterm elections. Facebook is truly evil, a congressional insurrectionist gets his phone taken away and inflation drops to zero. 
Be advised: We cuss like the FBI just raided our tacky hotel. Except we don’t have a tacky hotel and we didn’t steal any classified shit. 
Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How in this burning world are ya’? Really? Well you can hardly tell and you smell terrific. Us? Well did you ever see the 1989 Batman with Michael Keaton? Remember how the Joker used that poison to put permanent grotesque smiles on people’s faces? Well that’s how we look. It’s how we’ve looked since the FBI walked into Mar-a-Lago. And it just keeps getting better.

Abby D. Phillip
Trump issues a lengthy stmt on the NY AG investigation. Bottom line: he took the Fifth. “[U]nder the advice of my counsel and for all of the above reasons, I declined to answer the questions under the rights and privileges afforded to every citizen under the US Constitution.”
LOLOL. But why would that dirty orange fucker take the fifth? Why is he accusing the FBI of planting evidence? Why is he refusing to release the warrant? Because that sleazy rat motherfucker is guilty as sin and the whole goddamn world knows it except the people who only watch Fox and think Milwaukee doesn’t exist anymore. 
The truth of the matter is, we shouldn’t be celebrating any of this. It’s all very sad. It sucks that we had a crooked piece of shit for a president. It sucks that his followers are pathetic losers who will burn down the whole country to appease their gameshow host god. And it sucks that our nation has to go through this when we’re experience a shocking spell of good news.
All that said, we’re still celebrating because fuck that scum-eating pigfucker. Try not to get any ketchup on the walls today, Donnie. 
Note two: We know we don’t have the best timing, but we’re taking off tomorrow and Friday. We used to take a whole week off for summer vacation, but that just doesn’t seem practical these days. So we’ve just tried to sneak in a day off here and there. Don’t worry. If shit gets really crazy, we’ll swing by your inbox with some cussin’. 
Note three: Can you believe that rotten fucker took the fifth? LOL. 
Note four: Last night we were mostly watching Wisconsin to see if Trump took down the Assembly Speaker (he didn’t because he’s a fucking loser). But in two congressional races last night in Nebraska and Minnesota, we saw Democrats really overperforming. Y’all, these midterms haven’t been decided no matter how much the NYT wants to make Kevin McCarthy speaker. Let’s show them just how fucking pissed off we are.
Note five: Today is the day we cancel our subscriptions to the Washington Post. Why? Because of this fucking shit. Why is TBS the only good and sexy news organization left? 
The Washington Post
Garland vowed to depoliticize Justice. Then the FBI searched Mar-a-Lago.
Note six: Rudy Giuliani has been ordered to appear in Georgia. The judge told him that Rudy wasn’t gonna fuck up the proceedings the way he fucked his cousin. Ok so those might not have been his exact words. More: CNN
Note seven: While we were writing, President Biden signed the burn pit legislation to help our veterans. Jon Stewart was there. It was really nice. And Biden didn’t have to plead the fifth. More: CNN
Note eight: The planet is either on fire or underwater. Thanks to Senate Democrats, we’re actually gonna do something about it. More: Associated Press
Note nine: Trump successfully took out another member who voted to impeach him. Is the press gonna blame this one on Democrats too? More: NBC News
Note 10: Yesterday after Biden signed the CHIPS bill, Micron announced it’s going to spend $40 billion on manufacturing here in the U.S. Is that good? It seems good. More: CNBC
Note 11: We like to think we do ok with words. Especially the dirty ones. But every once in a while we have to concede that someone just put something better than we can.
Jemele Hill
Muthafucka wanted you dead and here you are putting fresh Vaseline on your lips to kiss his ass. Tough scene.
Note 12: The DC Circuit said yesterday the House can finally get Trump’s tax returns. Yeah, sure. We’ll believe it when we see them. More: CNN
Note 13: A grand jury declined to indict the woman who lied about Emmett Till and got him murdered. Fucking bullshit. More: CNN
Note 14: One of the nazis running in Arizona is trying to pretend like he doesn’t know his old nazi friends. More: AZ Central
Note 15: Some scary shit in Albuquerque. Glad they’ve arrested a suspect. More: CNN
Note 16: Biden signed the paperwork to ratify Finland and Sweden as new members of NATO. Both Putin and Josh Hawley were fucking furious. More: Reuters
Note 17: We can’t believe the scumbags at Project Veritas are scumbags. Remember when they had a woman pretend to be a rape victim to try and trick the Washington Post because the Post was writing about what a creepy piece of shit Roy Moore was (is)? More: New York Times
Note 18: Yesterday we told you that insurrectionist and Pennsylvania gubernatorial candidate Doug Mastriano was testifying in front of the Jan. 6 committee. It didn’t go well. He basically told them to kiss his ass and it was over in 15 minutes. On the bright side, he didn’t attack the building this time. More: CNN
Note 19: Alrighty, SPs, let’s do some news and then let’s recharge for a bit. We love y’all, and we’re so grateful to you for lifting us up every damn day. Our guy Joey Badass has been on quite a run, so this seems like a good time to take a couple days and chill the fuck out. And if you need a handy reminder of what gettin’ shit done looks like, here ya go. Love y’all!!!
Fuck Zuck
So cops in Nebraska used Facebook messages to arrest a teenager and her mom for illegally having an abortion. We sure as fuck didn’t have to wait long to get to the scary shit. Today is a good day to cancel Facebook. And fuck Trump for taking attention away from this horrifying nightmare. This is why we’re staying angry as hell despite a run of good news. More: Vice
Poor Scott
Rep. Scott Perry, one of the leaders of Trump’s coup attempt, said yesterday he had his phone seized by the FBI. He told us this so we’d know what a victim he is. LOL. Fuck that asshole. Also, it looks like we might have to apologize to Merrick Garland. Unfortunately we are just about out of time for today. More: CNN
Zero, baby
Inflation dropped to zero in July. Overall we’re down to 8.5 percent. Dropping gas and food prices and a president who is kicking much ass are to be credited. Supply chains, baby formula, gas prices, inflation. Biden is taking it all on. That’s why Republicans have given up on issues and decided to run on abolishing the FBI. Good luck with that shit. More: Axios
Today’s clips
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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