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Today's Big Stuff 8.1.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Monday. There are 99(!!!) days until the midterm elections. The Jan 6. Committee previews its latest focus, America loses a pair of giants and all eyes on the Arizona asshat. 
Be advised: We’re gonna try not to cuss today. Wish us lick. We mean luck. Goddamnit.  
Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are ya? Did you have a great weekend? Did your piece of shit ex-husband bury you on his craphole New Jersey golf course so he could get a tax break? No? Well that’s good. If only everyone was so lucky.

New York Post
Photos show Ivana Trump's grave at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ
Wow. Even for that bath-salts-Succession, incestuous, evil, shit-for-brains leaking diaper of a family, that is some truly fucked up shit. And yeah, we used Rupert’s Post on purpose just to drive home how genuinely fucking insane that is. So are we pointing out this stunning and endlessly tacky cruelty just to pile on, so to speak? Maybe to point out for the billionth time that Trump is the very definition of the scum of the goddamn Earth? Well, maybe. It is kind of our style.
But more importantly, we come with a warning. We’ve got 99 fucking days to hold off the Matt Gaetzes and Marjorie Taylorn Ew Fucking Grosses of the world, or our democracy and our future as a nation are gonna be laying in a plot right next to poor Ivana. 
This is it, y’all. We might not get another chance. So let’s kick some serious ass for these 99 days, and let’s keep democracy on life support instead of six feet under some New Jersey asshole trying to make par. Go team!
Note two: Just as an aside, we were wondering why we felt so much sympathy for Ivana. Like, obviously we’re not monsters so we don’t want to see anyone cast aside like that, but she’s still part of the legend of Dingus the Destroyer of Democracies. Then the real reason hit us — She was in the First Wives Club, and that movie fucking rocks. RIP Ivana. 
Note three: Scream Week is here! That’s right, baby! This Friday Aug. 5 at 1 pm ET, we’re going outside and we are screaming at the fucking sky! Is this an asinine thing to organize during a pandemic and a planet-warming crisis? Of course! But goddamnit these last few years have been hard as hell and we all need to blow off some steam. So get those lungs ready, and let us hear you this Friday!
You can signup up to participate in the Great American Scream here.
You can share the Great American Scream on twitter here.
Note four: This is the last note about TBS stuff, but we need to apologize because we are way behind on returning emails. Getting them is like our favorite thing in the world, and we feel like real assholes when it takes us this long to respond. We’re truly sorry. 
Note five: Ok let’s talk politics and did anything happen over the weekend and HOLY FUCKING SHIT MATT GAETZ WAS CAUGHT ON TAPE TALKING TO ROGER STONE ABOUT PARDONS AND CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION ABOUT A DOJ INVESTIGATION. So why isn’t this a bigger story? Because we found out on a Saturday? Or because that asshole has an invisibility cloak? More: Washington Post
Note six: Speaking of Gaetz, this continues to be one of our favorite stories of all time…
The Washington Post
Perspective: What Olivia Julianna achieved after Rep. Matt Gaetz targeted her was a colossal victory for abortion rights activists. It was also more than that.
Note seven: We like to think we’ve been pretty clear about what we think of Andrew Yang and his idiotic efforts at starting a third-party to siphon votes away from Democrats and further entrench the forces of white nationalism and cruel stupidty. But just in case we didn’t, here’s Officer Harry Dunn being way more polite about it…
Harry A Dunn 🖤
Hey @AndrewYang why not strive to be better than the people you lost to. I mean, I agree a two party system is blah... but what you're talking about doing... this aint it man. People should strive for the betterment of the country. You sound eerily selfishly motivated.
Note eight: The disastrous record of celebrity crypto endorsements is worth a look More: Bloomberg
Note nine: So why haven’t these fucking IGs been fired? Remember when one of them told us that tear-gassing peaceful protesters in Lafayette Park was just fine and dandy? More: Washington Post
Note 10: Alex Jones’s parent company has filed for bankruptcy. Now it matches his miserable soul. More: CNN
Note 11: We were pretty critical of how the Biden White House initially handled the response to Brittney Griner’s cruel and unjust detention in Russia. We’d like to thank this orange asshole for putting things in perspective for us. 
Note 12: Btw, last week the House passed an assault weapons ban. Everyone will tell you that it doesn’t have a chance in hell of passing the Senate, and they’re probably right. But goddamn this is the right direction. More: CNN
Note 13: If you haven’t seen, the Democratic field in Wisconsin has cleared and coalesced around Mandela Barnes’s candidacy for the United States Senate. This is our guy. This is who’s gonna beat Ron Johnson’s lunatic traitor ass. Let’s get his back. More: Business Insider
Note 14: Speaking of Wisconsin, a judge there has once again found no evidence of fraud in the 2020 election. That of course won’t stop Trump from heading up there later this week to continue his one-man constitutional crisis. More: Associated Press
Note 15: We really should’ve said something sooner, but we’re sending best wishes to President Biden. That Paxlovid rebound is a bastard, but it’s better than dying. He tested positive again this Monday morning but continues to feel to feel well.
Note 16: Man, Jon Stewart has sure been a breath of fresh air these last few days. We admire his cussin’ and his fighting for people who fought for us. Plus it has just been hilarious watching him strip bark off scumbag Republican senators. We’re honestly surprised Pat Toomey hasn’t moved to another country and changed his name. More: The Daily Beast
Note 17: If you have any friends who like to complain about labor shortages, just remind them that WE’RE IN A ONCE A CENTURY PANDEMIC THAT HAS FUCKED UP OR ENDED THE LIVES OF MILLIONS. More: NPR
Note 18: Sorry to yell.
Note 19: SC Dem Gov Nominee Joe Cunningham has picked a former fighter pilot turned lawyer as his running mate. Her name is Tally Parham Casey and she is damn impressive. More: Associated Press
Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, to the news! We’re gonna make this a kick-ass week. We’re gonna do everything we can to win some elections this November, we’re gonna scream like some badass banshees on Friday and we’re gonna keep being all kinds of sexy 24/7/365. We love y’all, and hope you have an awesome fucking day. 
Note 21: Here’s Gumby’s band playing the Grateful Dead just in case you have a case of the Mondays.
Gumby’s Band Playing Different Songs
Gumby and his band perform “Casey Jones” by The Grateful Dead
They ain’t playing around
The Jan 6. Committee is expected to put more focus on the intelligence and law enforcement failures at the FBI and DHS that left police woefully underprepared for the mob that stormed the Capitol. More: NBC
Yesterday we lost a couple of bona fide American heroes. Bill Russell and Nichelle Nichols weren’t just superstars in their high-profile fields even though they were very much superstars in their high-profile fields. They both play starring roles in dragging this nation closer to its promise of a more perfect union, inspiring, leading, fighting. It’s hard not to worry for a nation that is losing parts of its heart and soul like these two were. Hopefully we will continue to walk the paths they beat. More: CNN, ESPN
You might have been wondering who we meant by Arizona asshat, and that’s more than fair. We were talking about Kyrsten Sinema, who is refusing to tell the world whether she’ll vote to save it or not. It really fucking sucks, and we genuinely hate her for this. That said, we don’t hate Manchin as much as we did like two weeks ago, so if Kyrsten wants to start turning around the U.S.S. Go Fuck Yourself, then this would be a good place to start. More: TPM
Today’s clips
Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, who attended a campaign fundraiser hours after a shooting that killed 19 students and two teachers in Uvalde, reportedly was at the fundraiser for hours. More: Huff Post
The death toll in flood-stricken parts of eastern Kentucky climbed to at least 25 and will almost certainly “get worse” as first responders work to account for missing residents, the state’s governor said Saturday. More: CNN
The names of mother and daughter Georgia poll workers who memorably testified before the House Jan. 6 committee were found on a “death list” kept by an alleged leader of the militant Oath Keepers group, according to court filings. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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