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Today’s Big Stuff 7.29.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 7.29.22
Happy Friday. There are 102 days until the midterm elections. Alito rubs our faces in his assholery, House Republicans side with China and Biden looks to offer more boosters in the fall.
Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a sailor. A sailor who cares about democracy.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We did it! It’s Friday! We made it to the weekend! So what’s on tap for us? Oh a little easy reading. We thought we’d pick up Josh Hawley’s new book, which is called… “Manhood.” LOLOL.
Mallory Nees
Josh Hawley running away to a variety of soundtracks.

Pt. 1: Chariots of Fire #January6thCommitteeHearing https://t.co/tVCf2R5tUD
Sorry. We couldn’t find the actual book cover so we just went with that video instead. But y’all know we got an excerpt from this shit, so here’s a little taste from “Chapter 7: A Different Kind of Running” —
I don’t actually have a tail anymore. The one I was born with fell off. As did the horns. But if I did still have a tail, I would’ve had to tuck it between my legs when I ran like a gutless chickenshit from the mob violent lunatics I incited to war against America on Jan. 6, 2021. You’d think it would be hard to sleep knowing that most of the world is laughing at me for being one of this nation’s most heinous and and pathetic cowards. But the truth is I was pretty fucking awful long before then. What does hurt is everyone knowing I peed my pants, ran in pee pants and even sat for a many hours in my own pee. Like you can’t see it on the video, but you can tell. Anyway, I’m gonna finish this chapter and get back to sucking goat taint and being a hilariously wimpy nazi douchebag.
Yikes. Not exactly a page-turner, is it?
Note two: This weekend is different than most. On Sunday, it will be 100 days until the midterm elections. And don’t look now, but we’ve got a shot at telling history to go fuck itself. Polling shows us taking narrow leads in the generic ballot, we’re looking good in Senate races (Georgia worries us) and we’re doing some big shit on Capitol Hill. If you’re feeling something unusual right now, it’s called hope. And ain’t nothing wrong with that. So let’s keep kicking ass for the next 100 days and bring this shit home!
Note three: And of course SCREAM. On Aug. 5, we’re doing the Great American Scream. Because hope is welcome, but there’s still a whole lot of shit that just straight up sucks and we want to scream about it.
You can now signup up to participate in the Great American Scream here.
You can share the Great American Scream on twitter here.
Note four: Some of y’all know that Sam is a native Kentuckian. If you don’t mind to share some love with his home state, there are some crushing stories coming out of those floods. And the kids that were swept away by the water didn’t vote for Mitch or Rand. They were just kids. Hang in there, Bluegrass State. More: CNN
Note five: Matt Gaetz fucked with a teenager, and it didn’t go well for him. Hero —
Olivia Julianna 🗳
My statement about raising $1 million for abortion funds across the country in 72 hours 👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼 https://t.co/Jt13HZRUaT
Note six: Have you ever seen Republicans as discombobulated as they are right now? They’re voting against veterans and for China for gods sake. We’re like 87 percent sure Sinema is gonna fuck this up for everyone, but damn this is fun right now. More: HuffPost
Note seven: Btw, thank you to a real one as Jon Stewart the eff off at Republican senators for fucking over veterans just because Mitch got rolled.
The Recount
“If this is America First, then America is fucked.”

Take 10 minutes to watch Jon Stewart tear into Republicans for blocking a Senate bill providing benefits to veterans, including for those exposed to burn pits. https://t.co/UMzCV5uKnU
Note eight: Oh look, more missing texts. Remember when the New York Times thought shit like this was the most important thing in the known universe? Or does that just apply to women presidential candidates? More: HuffPost
Note nine: At least 43 abortion clinics have shut down since Roe fell. It’s horrifying to contemplate the ramifications of that for so many women. More: CNN
Note 10: Big Oil has enjoyed record profits. Imagine if we were a smart country that blamed those assholes instead of our president for high gas prices. More: AP News
Note 11: Trump is using the presidential seal at the golf tournament he is co-hosting with the Saudis. There’s no part of that sentence that doesn’t make us want to throw something out the window. More: Washington Post
Note 12: Look, we get that centrist Democrats are going to do everything they can to save their own asses including throwing their own party under the bus. But why attack Biden when he’s having his best week in months? More: CNN
Note 13: Consider this note a trigger warning for the next note. Seriously. Maybe put on some sunglasses. Or a blindfold.
Note 14: Yikes! Somebody opened the Ark of the Covenant and this motherfucker stared right at it!
Note 15: That last note has convinced us to be better about sunscreen and moisturizer. Yikes.
Note 16: LOLOL. Fetterman is beating Oz so bad that Oz has been hiding out everywhere except Pennsylvania. More: Puck News
Note 17: Not only has this been Democrats’ best week in a long while, but we also got new Beyonce last night. Shit is looking up!
Note 18: Thank you to the Michigan Supreme Court for protecting LGBTQ Michiganders from discrimination. Man, Michiganders just never sounds right. More: WWMT
Note 19: That scumbag AG in Indiana is still going after that doctor for helping a 10-year-old rape victim. Dude clearly has a BIG problem with women. More: CNN
Note 20: Y’all know we don’t link to Politico, but we did want you to see this news. So here’s a tweet.
Adam Wren
New: The Michigan Republican state senator who falsely described @MalloryMcMorrow as a “groomer” in a fundraising email raised less than $300 in the days following the solicitation. McMorrow raised more than $1m from 11,000 donors in all 50 states.

https://t.co/4pKbQquEfx
Note 21: Alrighty, the extra note was for the weekend. Let’s do some news! We love y’all, and we hope this week was an easy one for you. And just in case it wasn’t, here’s the Peanuts dancing to Outkast.
Hey Ya!  Charlie Brown Style
Hey Ya! Charlie Brown Style
Fuck off, Sam
Different Sam. We’re talking about Alito. The miserable piece of shit who wants to force his religion on us and then rub our fucking faces in it. The totally apolitical justice was in Rome giving a speech on religious liberty when he decided to mock world leaders who were horrified that he and his buddies stripped basic human rights from millions of people. But at least he and his friends had a good laugh about it. What a fucking scumbag.
More: HuffPost
The China Caucus
Wow. Republicans are so mad that Democrats are trying to lower prescription drug prices and save the planet that they decided to side with China and vote against the CHIPs bill. Don’t look so surprised. They were so mad we elected a Black president, they got in bed with Putin. Selling out America when they don’t get their way is just what they do. 
More: CNBC
Let’s go
The Biden administration is looking to provide new and improved boosters starting this September. For what it’s worth, we’re ready for ours like right now. We don’t want to wait. Apparently the new boosters will be “reformulated” to combat the new variants. Ok cool let’s go right now.
More: NBC News
Today’s clips
Justice Department prosecutors are preparing to fight in court to force former White House officials to testify about then-President Donald Trump’s conversations and actions around January 6, according to people briefed on the matter. More: CNN
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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