Today’s Big Stuff 7.27.22

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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 7.27.22
It’s Wednesday. There are 104 days until the midterm elections. Trump says a bunch of scary crap in his return to D.C., Biden is on the mend and it’s getting real at DOJ. 
Be advised: This newsletter uses obscene language. And it’s a good thing because it’s a real “holy fucking shit” kinda day. 

Note: How in the hell is it only Wednesday, Sexy Patriots? Doesn’t it feel like this week has lasted a month. We swear the pandemic has turned the concept of time into a melted Stretch Armstrong doll. (We could’ve gone with Dali there, but we’re just not that classy.) So the big news obviously is that DOJ is investigating Trump. Hallelujah. 
So we really want to go in on the DOJ news and how Trump is probably shitting Heinz all over the walls. But if there is one big thing we have realized since that orange dingleberry got crapped into our lives, it’s that the real American heroes aren’t coming out of Washington (Jan. 6 heroes notwithstanding). No, the heroes of this era are Americans like this one…
Olivia Julianna 🗳
So I see that Gaetz office has finally decided to comment.

Be as fatphobic and hateful as you want Matt. I still raised over $168K for abortion funds because of you. Get rekt lol https://t.co/ipX5AhiGhg
Matt Gaetz wanted to make this young woman’s life hell because she dared to stand up to him. And what did she do in response? She told him to eat shit and then used his deranged cruelty to help people. Y’all, that’s some real hero shit. When fascism came to America, there were some people who stood up and said hey, go fuck yourself, fascism. Or something cooler and more action movie-y. 
Our point is this — right now there are opportunities everywhere to be an American hero. All you have to do is stand up to fascism. Are you ready to be a hero? 
Note two: Also, because it really, sadly needs to be said over and over again — HEY MATT GAETZ, STOP FUCKING WITH KIDS!
Note three: So it’s pretty crazy that Hungary’s president went on a Nazi rant so bad that one of his top advisers quit but CPAC is still like come on over, Vic, you can stay at our place. More: CNN
Note four: The View is hiring Alyssa Farrah. Guess we’re watching something else during the day. Can’t go wrong with Price is Right. More: Variety
Note five: Here’s the Vice President being a nice person and not being a dick to blind people and she got attacked for it. What kind of asshole admits they want to be a dick to blind people just to attack the Vice President?
DJ Judd
Vice President Kamala Harris introduced herself with her pronouns and a physical description in an effort to accommodate the blind and visually impaired participating in today's roundtable with disability advocates-- a move the RNC is mocking her for: https://t.co/SG9UlEJHZb https://t.co/4sY2vn2W0Y
Note six: We’re still laughing at Mike Pence.
Note seven: So remember how the Indiana AG went on Fox and smeared the doctor who helped that poor 10-year-old rape victim? Well he’s still fucking investigating her even thought she didn’t do anything wrong. Y’all, we’re in the scary place. More: CNN
Note eight: We’re warning y’all right now, if this hits, we’re cutting TBS down to like once a month. 
Michael Tackett
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — No one wins giant U.S. Mega Millions draw, sending jackpot to an estimated $1.02 billion.
Note nine: Don’t forget the Great American Scream is scheduled for Aug. 5 at 1 p.m. ET. It’s either the best or dumbest idea we’ve ever had, but goddamn we all need to blow off some steam.
You can now signup up to participate in the Great American Scream here.
You can share the Great American Scream on twitter here.
Note 10: Remember when the New York Times editorial page and a million Ivory Tower assholes pretended to give a fuck about censorship? Well maybe they should talk to actual warriors for free speech who are actually getting canceled like this one. More: The Advocate
Note 11: Hulu reversed course and will now allow Democratic ads about Jan. 6, guns and abortion. Was that so hard? More: Rolling Stone
Note 12: Senate Republicans are still making excuses for Trump’s coup. Makes sense. A lot of them were fucking in on it. More: HuffPost
Note 13: Republicans want the power to starve poor gay kids. If that’s what Jesus would’ve done, then Jesus was an asshole too. More: AP News
Note 14: We know you’ll be shocked by this if you’re Fox News’ Bret Baier, but Trump didn’t order 10,000 troops to go protect the Capitol. If that’s what he wanted, he could’ve done it at any time during the 187 minutes he was attacking the United States. More: CNN
Note 15: So we haven’t talked much about monkeypox. Mostly because how much more ludicrously bad news can we all handle? But um it would be great if we went ahead and passed some money to fight this shit. More: Washington Post
Note 16: Two Democratic committee chairs are asking the DHS IG to recuse himself from the Secret Service investigations. How about investigate that dirty motherfucker too? More: CNN
Note 17: Ok you magnificent beautiful lovers of liberty, to the news section! We hope your week is like a beautiful dream and you’re kicking all kinds of ass. Before we go, happy birthday to an all-time great. Love y’all! 
Yikes
So that miserable piece of shit who attacked our Capitol returned to the scene of the crime yesterday to give what was billed as a “policy speech” by someone who’s never met Donald Trump. That said, wanting to build camps for homeless people and send the national guard into Chicago do qualify as policy when you’re a scary fascist asshole. The threat could not be more clear if it had a weird little mustache and was goose-stepping down Pennsylvania Avenue. The only outstanding question is will we stop it. 
More: CNN
Hot Joe Summer
President Joe Biden got some negative COVID tests and now he’s throwing on some daisy dukes and partying his ass off after being kept inside isolating. Or he’ll just put on a suit and go back to work. Either way, we’re thrilled the president is feeling better. 
More: HuffPost
Let’s go
So the news we’ve all been waiting for finally came yesterday afternoon — DOJ is investigating Trump. Yay! Or yay? Like how broken is America that we’re celebrating the fact that a serial criminal who damn near destroyed America is being investigated for trying to destroy America? Not indicted or convicted, but investigated. Is the bar really that low? Shut up, TBS, we need this. Ok fair enough. Go get ‘em, Merrick. 
Today’s clips
American basketball star Brittney Griner testified Wednesday at her drug trial in Russia that a language interpreter translated only a fraction of what was said during her questioning and officials instructed her to sign documents without providing an explanation. More: HuffPost
Advisors to Donald Trump who were involved in the former president’s scheme to overturn the 2020 election appeared to recognise that their plan was legally dubious, according to emails revealed by The New York Times. More: Independent
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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