It’s Monday. There are 106 days until the midterm elections. America isn’t happy with the Supreme Court, Hulu is pissing us off and remembering Steve Bannon’s bad day.

Be advised: Since we took Friday off, we owe y’all a shitload of cussin’. 

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you?! We missed y’all and your smokin’ hot sexy patriotism so much. And to be honest, we feel like we let you down. While we appreciate everyone not throwing garbage at us because we took Friday off, we still took it pretty hard to not be in a position to write about the coward Josh Hawley and his legendary urine trail. 

Fuck! We wanted in on those laughs! Like this is what we fucking train for! So we were in a pretty serious funk about this shit, and then it hit us — there will be plenty of opportunities to make fun of gutless treasonous piece of shit Republicans. There is a seemingly endless supply of comically inept fascists making complete fools of themselves while also trying to destroy America. It’s like the universe has a bad case of the shits. Just look at this miserable turd…

He really does hate women. When they’re over 18, anyway. So yeah, we hope you’ll forgive us for missing the first annual Josh Hawley Pissy Pants Roast, but we promise to make up for it five minutes from now when another one of the scumbags crap-eaters steps on a rake. 

Note two: Don’t forget! The Great American Scream is coming up on Aug. 5 at 1 PM EDT. We’re so excited for what is either one of our best or worst ideas ever. But mostly, we just need to let off some steam.

Note three: Last logistical note for the day, but we also need to apologize for being behind on returning emails. It’s like one of our favorite parts about doing this newsletter, but we’ve just gotten behind while one of us (Looking at you, Sam) was traveling last week. Sorry!

Note four: Here’s a question — why isn’t that Gaetz video all over the news? Maybe if his last name was Omar, the press might pay more attention. 

Note five: BREAKING — Joe Manchin has COVID. We’d offer thoughts and prayers, but we’re worried that might contribute to inflation and we know how much that corrupt dumbfuck hates inflation and helping people.

Note six: The New York Times says the guv race in Texas is tightening. We really hope this is true, but Texans sure seem to love having a governor who wants to kill them. More: New York Times

Note seven: Remember when Mitch McConnell and John Roberts told us a leak of the Dobbs decision as the worst thing ever and the press ate every last bit of that bullshit? Well ain’t it weird how that story just kinda went away? More: Associated Press

Note eight: If you’ve never watched Sydney McLaughlin run, you are missing out. It’s like Hawley except way faster and without the treason, fear and shame.

Note nine: Hey, so the world is on fire. This seems pretty bad to us. We’d tell y’all to stay cool, but we already know you are. More: Axios

Note 10: Yikes, so if you go to Coachella, you’re financing the monsters who want the government to control women.

Note 11: So, um, are we gonna do anything about the Secret Service trying to help cover up a coup attempt? More: Independent

Note 12: Btw, we weren’t with y’all Friday so can we just say HOLY FUCKING SHIT THOSE TRUMP OUTTAKES WERE EVEN CRAZIER THAN WE THOUGHT THEY’D BE?!!!

Note 13: The Treasury Secretary says she doesn’t see a recession happening. Let’s all hope and pray and rub our anti-recession crystals that she’s right. More: The Hill

Note 14: If you’re not familiar with high school basketball player Hansel Enmanuel, do yourself a favor and check this young man out. More: Bleacher Report

Note 15: So some Republican counties are refusing to certify elections. This is real real bad, y’all. More: New York Times, Yahoo News

Note 16: We aren’t writing anything about how the WSJ and NYPost editorials show that Rupert is done with Trump because we’re not that gullible and we know Fox News still exists. NO LINK

Note 17: Yikes. So twitter isn’t the only thing this guy fucked up this year. 

Note 18: Hey look, we found some of that voter fraud we’ve been hearing so much about. More: Associated Press

Note 19: Even for America 2022, this is some fucked up shit. More: Reuters

Note 20: It’s not politics, but the new trailer for the Black Panther sequel gave us goosebumps and made us cry so we thought we’d close the notes with it today. We love y’all more than we love our luggage, and we’re damn glad to be back with you. Let’s kick some ass this week. 

A new AP poll shows that 43 percent of Americans have hardly any confidence in the Supreme Court, and that’s up from 27 percent three months ago. Two-thirds of Americans now favor term limits for those corrupt fuckers, and even 57 percent of Republicans agree with us. This court is broken, cruel and corrupt, and our leaders should not be afraid to say so. More: APNORC

It really should’ve been easier to come up with a pun there, but for some reason our brains aren’t working today. Basically Hulu is refusing to run Democratic ads that talk about abortion rights or Jan. 6. Pretty fucked up right? We don’t know about y’all, but we have zero interest in paying for a service that is going to enable the rise of right-wing fascism. More: Washington Post

We saved the best for last. You’ll never believe this but Steve Bannon is a convicted criminal. Yeah, the guy who got a pardon from Trump just couldn’t stay out of trouble, and on Friday, a jury quickly returned two guilty verdicts finding Bannon guilty of contempt of Congress for willful failure to appear for testimony and guilty of contempt of Congress for willful failure to provide records. We’re sure the degenerate freakshow is truly chastened by all of this and not at all still trying to overthrow the United States. More: NBC News

Former President Trump’s top allies are preparing to radically reshape the federal government if he is re-elected, purging potentially thousands of civil servants and filling career posts with loyalists to him and his “America First” ideology, people involved in the discussions tell Axios. More: Axios

The leader of the Wisconsin Assembly’s elections committee called Friday for invalidating President Biden’s 2020 election victory in the state — an idea that constitutional scholars and Republican legislative leaders have called legally impossible. More: Washington Post

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