Today's Big Stuff 7.21.22

It’s Thursday. There are 110 days until the midterm elections. Biden needs to clean house at the Secret Service, a Trump lunatic loses even more of his mind and it’s hearing day, y’all.

Be advised: If you love America and telling Republicans to fuck off and eat all the shit, then this is the newsletter for you. 

BREAKING: President Biden has COVID. We wish the president a speedy recovery, and we hope those wishing him the worst have their crotches fall off and those crotches get eaten by angry alligators. Feel better, Mr. President! More: Washington Post

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How in the heck fire are y’all this fine day? We thought so. You seem taller. Us? We’re good and a little confused. So pretty normal. Today’s confusion comes as we ponder changing our long held positions on building a wall. WHAT?! TBS, don’t do it you seem so nice and sexy! Well we appreciate that, but please allow us to explain. 

Yeah. So we’re thinking this might be a good time to build a wall at the Florida state line. We can’t have this shit infecting the whole country. It’s like if a pandemic had sex with a horse it was related to. Or maybe we should just build a wall around that crazy trash. Or one around this miserable little asshole.

Yeah, we’ll just build a wall around Rubio’s integrity. It won’t cost a penny or need one single goddamn brick. Anyway, we’re still pretty much anti-wall, but this has been today’s reminder that we are up against some truly sick fuckers and so we can’t take elections off unless we want these shit-breathing scumbags telling us what to do, breaking up our families and just generally fucking everything up. Have a blessed day.

Note two: Don’t forget to circle on your calendars Aug. 5 at 1 PM EDT! That’s when we’re doing the Great American Scream! Because everyone is seriously about to lose it and collectively letting off some steam might just do us some good.

Note three: Quick reminder that we’ll be off tomorrow. It’s absolute shit timing with tonight’s hearing, and we are so fucking sorry.

Note four: God Rubio sucks. With all the Ron Johnsons and Ted Cruzes and Rand Pauls, we sometimes forget what a horrible little shart skidmark Rubio is. Nice of his little punk ass to remind us. 

Note five: You can relax, everyone. The feds are finally closing in on Hunter Biden. We know you’ve been worried about it. Oh wait. You probably think it’s as fucking stupid as we do. More: CNN

Note six: We know y’all don’t need a reminder that Melania is what shit shits out. But here’s one anyway.

Note seven: This poll is depressing as hell. Half of Americans want Trump charged for Jan. 6 but only a quarter think it will happen. More: PBS

Note eight: Every once in a while, America has a happy ending. No, not like that, ya pervs. This is actually one of our favorite stories from the last couple of years. More: Axios

Note nine: Tesla sold 75 percent of its Bitcoin. We hear they’ve also been digging between Elon’s couch cushions. More: The Verge

Note 10: Can we get this person with a whistle to lead DOJ? 

Note 11: Jan. 6 was fucking terrifying. But it has been far scarier watching the Republican Party embrace what they did instead of being ashamed of it. More: Review Journal

Note 12: Oh look, it’s one of the reasonable and civil Republicans we’ve heard so much about. More:

Note 13: “I am enraged.” Stacey Abrams only speaks the truth. More: AJC

Note 14: So, um, we should probably keep some kind of list of the scumbag GOPers who are saying they want children to be forced to give birth to their rapists’ kids. Because even for the Republican Party, that is some truly fucked up and evil shit. More: Huff Post

Note 15: The deal to protect our elections is coming from Manchin and Collins? No thanks. Chris Murphy might fall for that bullshit, but we don’t trust those assholes as far as we can throw ‘em. And we do trust this dude.

Note 16: And yeah, that judge is a horrible piece of shit.

Note 17: Hey here’s a question — why isn’t this trash in jail getting hammered on toilet wine? More: 9 News

Note 18: The Senate needs to vote to protect American families. And by that we mean that Schumer needs to quit fucking around and find time for a vote to protect gay marriage. If he can’t find the time, then cancel the goddamn recess. More: NBC News

Note 19: Thank you to Rep. Cori Bush for this courage. She always seems to have lots of it. More: Washington Post

Note 20: Let’s do some news, SPs! We are so sorry to be leaving y’all hanging tomorrow, and we do hope you’ll forgive us. We promise to be extra cuss-y next week to make up for it. We love y’all, and we’re damn grateful to you for joining us today. Now here’s the Peanuts gang dancing to Outkast. More: YouTube

America has a huge problem. Ok so we’ve got lots of ‘em. But have a corrupted Secret Service covering up an attack on the United States by a former president is pretty fucking bad. Worse — the so-called watchdog, DHS’s inspector general, knew the agency had deleted its text messages months ago and didn’t say shit. We’d say Biden needs to clean house, but Louis DeJoy still has a fucking job so we’re not getting our hopes up. More: Washington Post, CNN

A Trump aide who appeared before the Jan. 6 committee then proceeded to completely lose his shit. Garrett Ziegler, yes that’s his real name, went on a sexist, racist tirade where he talked about how the committee is just anti-white and the women he served with in the White House are thots and hoebags. We had to look up thots. We do hope the committee will share this enlightening recording with the American people tonight.

We’ve got our last hearing for a while tonight in primetime. Chairman Bennie Thompson is appearing by remote as he also has COVID. Tonight’s hearing will focus on how Trump did exactly jack shit while America was being attacked except sit on his ample orange ass and watch it on television. He didn’t even want to condemn what happened the next day! Here’s a preview courtesy of Rep. Adam Kinzinger.

Now that one of the most restrictive abortion laws in the United States is in effect in Ohio, some of state’s Republican leaders don’t seem to want to discuss it. More: News 5 Cleveland

The right to use contraceptives would be inscribed into law under a measure Democrats are pushing through the House, their latest campaign-season response to worries that a conservative Supreme Court that’s erased federal abortion rights could go further. Huff Post

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