Today's Big Stuff 7.20.22

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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
7.20.22
It’s Wednesday. There are 111 days until the midterm elections. The Secret Service is not so secretly a disaster, House Democrats vote to protect families and Trump is still trying to overturn the 2020 election.
Be advised: This newsletter only cusses when Republicans act like assholes. So we cuss a lot.
Note: Is it just us, Sexy Patriots, or is this the longest damn week in human history? Seriously how is it only Wednesday? And how did you get sexier and more patriotic since yesterday? Don’t get us wrong though. We’re hanging in there. We saw some side-splitting hilarious shit yesterday, and it really recharged our batteries. If you haven’t read the New Yorker’s interview with Alan Derschowitz, then you haven’t seen comedy. 

Isaac Chotiner
New Interview: I talked to Alan Dershowitz about getting shunned, the January 6th committee, and the end of his friendship with Larry David. https://t.co/NLpItaXKaG
LOLOL. Yeah, it’s summer, and that means the Trump kiss ass who swears he kept his underwear on while getting a massage at Jeffrey Epstein’s house (gag) is crying to anyone who will listen that he’s been ostracized on Martha’s Vineyard. And tell you the truth, it’s one of our favorite new summer rituals. It’s like he and Rudy are in a foot-race to see who can embarrass their families more. Except Rudy’s family is his mutant son Andrew, so in that case the acorn fell pretty close to the cousin-banging tree.
So here’s a little quiz to help you figure out if you’ve joined the Dersh-Doodie Pooliani class of scumbag —
  1. Do you have family members who use fake last names?
  2. Have you ever had sex with or married a blood relative?
  3. Do you somehow smell like stale and fresh urine at the same time?
  4. Have you sold out whatever reputation you once had to be friends with Trump?
  5. Does TBS point and laugh at you every single day like your pants fell down after you got hit in the face with a pie?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, either quit drinking and get help or drink a lot more to try and forget what you’ve become. Have a great day, SPs!
Note two: Just a couple of business items — First, we’ll be off this Friday. The timing sucks with Thursday night’s hearing, but we just couldn’t work around it. We do apologize, and we promise to do lots of cussing in our personal lives to make up for it. Second, the Great American Scream is scheduled for Aug. 5 at 1 PM EDT. Feel free to keep screaming in outrage until then. It’s good practice.
Chip in to get Sam and Adam a cup of coffee here!
Chip in to get Sam and Adam a cup of coffee here!
Note three: You know that miserable piece of shit who said Jan. 6 was a normal fucking tour group? Well he wants to end Washington, D.C.’s local government if Republicans win the House. Not even kidding. He wants to abolish the office of mayor. So yeah, fuck that asshole. More: Axios
Note four: Let’s be very clear about something — Trump didn’t try to rig the census and fail. He absolutely rigged that motherfucker, and people who aren’t beltway reporters will suffer because of it. More: NPR
Note five: Remember that Arizona Republican Rusty Bowers who testified at the Jan. 6 committee? Well he got kicked out of his party last night. Those crazy fuckers sure do love freedom. Except the freedom to criticize their dumbfuck orange god. More: 12News
Note six: A giant TBS FUCK YEAH AND THANK YOU to the members of Congress who got arrested protesting outside the Supreme Court yesterday. Thank you for showing us you give a shit. We wish others would do the same. Also, notice how they didn’t beat up any cops with the American flag? Weird. More: CNN
Note seven: More like Hoover Hot Damn, are we right? (Hey, Adam, has a son so sometimes you get a dad joke)
Note eight: Congratulations to the Senate for getting closer to passing some microchip bill that we don’t understand or give a fuck about but is probably really important. Hell, it must be if Dick Durbin is telling us that’s more of a priority than protecting gay families and the right to contraception.
Igor Bobic
Durbin says it will be tough to schedule votes in the Senate on bills protecting gay marriage, contraception given the packed calendar.

"We have more priorities than we have time," he says
Note nine: (Actually, the whole chips thing is kind of a big deal, we think. But so is protecting families and ending child poverty.) More: CNBC
Note 10: (But also, Dick Durbin is an endless embarrassment.)
Note 11: Last July, 60 percent of Americans approved of the Supreme Court. Today it’s 38 percent. Might be because they’re cheap soulless political operatives who Mitch McConnell shat out for the express purpose of fucking over Americans. More: CNN
Note 12: The Maryland GOP has nominated someone crazier than a shithouse rat to be governor. So while this has moved the ratings in the race to Solid Dem, we better make sure we’re turning the fuck out. More: CNBC
Note 13: We’ll be honest — we have no idea how we’re outraising Republicans right now, but we sure as fuck aren’t complaining. More: Axios
Note 14: We know that a shitload of the people who attacked us on Jan. 6 were former or current military. So why in the living fuck is the Senate telling the Pentagon to stop combatting extremism in the military? More: Roll Call
Note 15: We’re gonna talk more about what happened in the House yesterday, but we wanted to make sure y’all saw this world-class ass-whoopin’ that Rep. Mark Pocan handed out.
Aaron Rupar
Rep. Pocan: "If I was the entity on the other side of the aisle I would be more concerned with my own members accused of having cocaine-fueled orgies than worrying about the morality of my marriage." https://t.co/QgBscGVdgI
Note 16: Michael Langley is about to become the Marines’ first Black four-star general. It’s damn cool to see. But a country that still has this many firsts, is a country that needs a whole helluva lot of work. More: Washington Post
Note 17: Elon vs. Twitter is set for October. It’s kind of like Trump vs. DeSantis or Duke vs. UNC — we just end up rooting for a toothy sinkhole to devour everyone involved. More: CNN
Note 18: Goddamnit!!! The world is going straight to hell and stepping in every pile of dogshit along the way AND FUCKING SKITTLES MIGHT CAUSE CANCER?! Why can’t we have the things we love?! More: Yahoo News
Note 19: Mike Pence was a guest at Kevin McCarthy’s fundraising dinner last night. We hear they gave each other wedgies just to make sure neither of them would have an ounce of dignity. NO LINK
Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s hustle our hot asses on over to the news section. We hope you’re making it through the summer heat aka our dying planet. We also hope you’re having an awesome fucking week. You deserve it because you are also fucking awesome. Love y’all!
Secret’s out
So the Secret Service is a goddamn disaster. How many text messages did they turn over to investigators? One. And it might as well have said “fuck you.” This is a stunning betrayal by an agency this country trusts with a whole fucking lot. We need to know what happened here, and we need to know really fucking fast. More: CNN
Thank you
Yesterday every single House Democrat voted to repeal DOMA and protect same-sex marriages. It wasn’t a perfect bill and it’s missing some shit, but this was an honest-to-goodness effort to protect the families that Clarence Thomas and Ted Cruz want to destroy. Of course the media has focused on the 47 Republicans who voted for this as if they’re some kind of heroes and not just a bunch of assholes doing the bare fucking minimum. We’re way more concerned about the 157 shitheads who still want to tear families apart. More: Associated Press
Can’t stop won’t stop
Last week, while we were all reeling from another bombshell Jan. 6 hearing, Trump was doing what he does best — being the fucking worst. That dirty motherfucker is STILL trying to overturn the 2020 election. Yeah, the d-bag speaker of the house in Wisconsin said yesterday that Trump called him LAST FUCKING WEEK asking him to overturn the results there. Major props to the dumbshit scumbags on the Wisconsin Supreme Court for encouraging this bullshit. More: CNBC
Today’s clips
The U.S. Senate on Tuesday confirmed the nomination of South Carolina jurist Michelle Childs— recently under consideration for a slot on the U.S. Supreme Court — to sit on the federal court typically seen as a proving ground for the nation’s highest bench. More: Associated Press
Federal prosecutors called their first witness to the stand Tuesday and began building their case that former Trump adviser Steve Bannon willfully ignored a congressional subpoena in open defiance of the U.S. government. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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