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Today’s Big Stuff 7.18.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Monday. There are 113 days until the midterm elections. Obama’s former doctor is a freaking idiot, we get a primetime hearing this week and taking away basic rights from millions of women is having some consequences. 
Be advised: This newsletter cusses a lot because a lot of shit is all fucked up.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How in the wide world of sports are y’all today? Mondays sure do suck goat ass, but they suck goat ass a little less when we get to be with you. So how are we? Well, not so good. We woke up, smoked a shitload of meth, ate a rotting possum carcass and then got ready for court because we’re going on trial today for being irredeemable scumbags. Oh wait. That wasn’t us. 
The Washington Post
Bannon faces two criminal charges of contempt of Congress for defying subpoenas from the House Jan. 6 committee.
We’re not lawyers or even people who watch a lot of courtroom dramas, so we don’t actually know if Bannon can get the electric chair over this stuff. In fact, we’re pretty sure he can’t. But doesn’t it seem like he should? Like we don’t want to sound like sexually inadequate Republican congressmen and call for everyone we don’t like to die, but this guy is a fucking traitor and we hope karma catches up to the sonofabitch like John fucking Wick. 
Anyway, good luck, Steve. Make sure to wear your extra shirt and tell the judge you’re a Nazi scrotum lick who hates America. 
Note two: LOL. Nothing like starting the week with “Nazi scrotum lick.” Hope y’all have a blessed day.
Note three: SPs, it is on like Donkey Kong. We’re talking about The Great American Scream. Aug. 5 we are going to open up our lungs and let off some steam because the world has become a segment of Fear Factor. Y’all ready to let the universe hear you?
Note four: Joe Manchin is a corrupt fucking scumbag who doomed the planet to death. We just needed to say that because way too many beltway chickenshits won’t. Thanks to Bernie for not mincing words. 
Aaron Rupar
Bernie Sanders unloads on Manchin: "He didn't abruptly do anything. He has sabotaged the president's have people like Manchin, Sinema to a lesser degree, who are intentionally sabotaging the president's agenda, what the American people want...nothing new about this."
Note five: Rolling Stone is reporting that Trump is telling people he has to be president again to keep his orange ass out of jail. That definitely sounds like something Trump would think. And it definitely sounds like something America would let him get away with. More: Rolling Stone
Note six: So y’all know how we feel about President Biden’s Middle East trip. We don’t need to talk about it again. NO LINK
Note seven: In happier news, the Vice President is addressing the NAACP today. This will probably make a lot of assholes’ economic anxiety act up. More: NBC Philadelphia
Note eight: Betsy DeVos wants to abolish the Department of Education. It’s pretty fucked up that her family is trying to take out the whole country to achieve this purpose. Rich people sure do hate it when regular folk learn stuff. More: Axios
Note nine: We don’t often say nice things about the beltway media crowd, but today we’re making an exception to heap praise on WaPo’s Perry Bacon. Mostly because he shits all over the beltway media crowd for driving down Biden’s approval numbers. Thanks, Perry. More: Washington Post
Note 10: Congresswoman Val Demings announced today she has COVID. COVID should be worried. Get well soon, Congresswoman!
Note 11: WAIT. There were how many cops in Uvalde?! Yeah, we should definitely give them more money and blame teachers for the cops being cowards. More: CNN
Note 12: Hey, btw, there is a vicious and super contagious strain of COVID out there. Please mask up and make sure you’ve had your shots. And, as always, stay the fuck away from Republicans.
Note 13: Ted Cruz wants to end gay marriage. Let’s be very clear what that means — Republicans want to use the government to break up loving families. Over our dead fucking bodies.
Brian Tyler Cohen
And there it is. Ted Cruz says the Supreme Court was wrong to legalize same-sex marriage.
Note 14: Isn’t it kinda fucking nuts that Cruz wants to defend marriage but wouldn’t even defend his own wife? What a miserable piece of pimple shit. 
Note 15: Here’s one of those oh-this-looks-like-good-news-but-it-wouldn’t-have-to-happen-in-the-first-place-if-America-wasn’t-such-a-backwards-shithole. More: Indy Star
Note 16: Over the weekend, The Guardian asked if Tucker Carlson should run for president. Mainstream jackasses tweeted it out. We have a question of our own — has everyone lost their fucking minds?! NO GODDAMN LINKS
Note 17: It is nothing short of terrifying how broken the Secret Service is. When do the hearings start? More: Yahoo News
Note 18: Trump’s judges are a disease this country will be infected with for a long goddamn time. Like herpes but without the charm. More: NY Times
Note 19: Need some good news? A Wisconsin focus group says Trump is definitely guilty as fuck. So can we get Merrick Garland into a Wisconsin focus group? More: Axios
Note 20: Congrats to Benifer. We always knew that Gigli was a fluke and true love is real. More: People
Note 21: Alright, SPs, let’s do some motherflipping news and shit. We’re gonna be talking about the Great American Scream a lot in the coming days (we also might take Friday off). But get excited, y’all! We fucking need it! 
What a fucking loser
What do you get when you combine a micro-penis with micro-brains and soak it in cheap whiskey? The former fucking White House doctor. Yeah, disgraced scumbag and current Republican congressman Ronny Jackson put out a new ad over the weekend that is a shocking combo of over compensation and pure derangement. Loser is holding a couple of machine guns and daring Biden to come take it. Meanwhile, the rest of us have seen from Uvalde just how tough these Texas guys are. Try not to piss yourself today, Ronny. 
Thursday night!
Thursday night we’re getting a primetime hearing, and we are already popping popcorn. So it’s probably going to be stale by then. This hearing will be led by Adam Kinzinger, and it will focus on the fact that Trump did exactly jack shit when his terrorists were ransacking the United States Capitol. Let’s hope this isn’t the last hearing. They have been insanely effective. 
More: CNN
Shithole country
The consequences of taking away basic human rights from millions of women are quickly coming into view, and it turns out that it’s really fucked up and all kinds of shitty to be ruled by the fucking taliban. Every fucking day we’re ready stories about women’s health being endangered by hospitals and doctors who don’t want to go to jail because they accidentally helped a woman not die and pissed off Boss Hogg in the fucking process. 
More: AP News
Today’s clips
A Republican candidate for U.S. Senate in Maryland has been arrested on charges of making a false report of child trafficking. More: HuffPost
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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