Today's Big Stuff 7.15.22

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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
7.15.22
Happy Friday. There are 116 days until the midterm elections. Cassidy Hutchinson was telling the truth, Joe Manchin kills Earth and the Secret Service is a full-diaper disaster. 
Be advised: This newsletter uses cuss words when it hits hits thumb with a hammer or when a bunch of fascist fucking assholes try to destroy America.
Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you?! Well you smell like success and Whitney Houston’s greatest hits. Yes, that is a huge compliment. Us? Well we’re so fucking mad at Joe fucking Manchin that the steam coming out of our ears is coal-powered and helping Manchin destroy the planet. But we’re not going to spend today’s opening note cussing that corrupt piece of shit. No, we’re saving it for the news section. Instead, we want to talk about the Democrats who are kicking ass.

John Fetterman
Hey @DrOz 👋

JERSEY loves you + will not forget you!!! 🥰 https://t.co/YmaXfMpzUK
Well goddamn. This feels like more than a Senate campaign. This feels like Fetterman is settling a decades-old family feud. It also feels new. A Democrat who’s not afraid of going on offense. We’re seeing it more and more in the states, and we really really really fucking need it.
So yeah, there is so much horrible shit going down that we weren’t sure what to start with today. But it’s Friday so we figured we’d try to find something positive and shit. So thanks, John Fetterman, for fucking up “Dr.” Oz every goddamn day. 
caleb hearon
john fetterman wakes up every day and finds a new way to break his entire foot off in dr. oz's ass. i'm obsessed.
Note two: So you know how President Biden said hospitals have to perform abortions if the mother is dying? Well apparently that got in the way of Texas AG Ken Paxton’s plans to be a serial killer of pregnant women. More: Washington Post
Note three: And in Washington, Sen. James Lankford blocked a bill from Sen. Catherin Cortez Masto that would have codified that women can travel across state lines for medical care. Yes, the Republicans are stopping legislation that guarantees women can travel across state lines. Jim Lankford can go fuck himself, and we hope he gets pregnant when he does. More: Huff Post
Note four: Ivana Trump died. We thought about some jokes here, but then we remembered we’re better than that fucked up family. So RIP. More: CNN
Note five: Oh and her piece of rat shit ex-husband fundraised off the news. But you’ll be happy to know from the interview he gave to the bootlickers at New York Magazine that he’s in a great mood.
Note six: And Trump and his kids get out of their depositions today. We’re gonna assume this is all a coincidence. Until Q tells us different. Kidding! NO LINK
Note seven: Gas prices are dropping like a rock. The press is going to be furious. More: Yahoo Finance
Note eight: That idiot Colorado clerk has been ordered to be put under arrest for violating her bond. Remember when she kicked a cop? Why the fuck did she get a pass for that? Guess we shouldn’t get upset. She does seem determined to go to jail. More: CNN
Note nine: Something is happening in Italian politics. We know that’s bad reporting, but we really don’t have any idea what’s happening. More: CNN
Note 10: Thank you to Ted Lieu for calling out the lies that some Supreme Court justices told to get confirmed. We have no idea why the party’s leadership has refused to make this an issue, so we’re grateful to the people who will. More: Hill Reporter
Note 11: We get mad at him sometimes, especially when he’s meeting with MBS, but goddamn our president is a good man.
President Biden
Today, I paid a visit to the hallowed ground of Yad Vashem where I had the distinct honor of meeting Dr. Gita Cycowicz and Ms. Rena Quint, two Holocaust survivors.

I vow to continue our shared, unending work to fight the poison of antisemitism wherever we find it in the world. https://t.co/h0YaU8kZaN
Note 12: We’ll touch on this more in a minute, but fuck Joe Manchin.
Note 13: You know that Hitler fan in New York who’s running for Congress and endorsed by Elise Stefanik? Well he has a sex offender on his campaign staff. We’re not even making this up. Bummer that Elise will probably never get a single question about this. More: Olean Times Herald
Note 14: Thank you to Eric Swalwell for putting Gym Jordan in the corner. More: Huff Post
Note 15: Also, these anti-choice assholes are really showing how fucked up and full of shit they are. Normally we’d delight in seeing them exposed, but they control women now so there’s nothing fucking funny about it. More: Huff Post
Note 16: Please never ever ever ever forget what an irredeemable scumbag Ari Fleischer is. 
Ari Fleischer
If Trump runs, the smart move is for him to declare on 1/6/23. The one-year anniversary of the riot at the Capitol will be about him anyway, so he might as well seize the day and make it his.

Declaring prior to this November would be a big mistake. https://t.co/Ywi5SDYFUH
Note 17: Hey here’s a question? Why is Trump’s IRS chief still the fucking IRS chief? More: NPR
Note 18: This report says that prominent conservatives found no proof of fraud in the election. We think this will finally be the thing that convinces Mike Flynn and @RickyFingerBangzFreedom9784758347.  More: CNN
Note 19: Holy fucking shit! Elon’s gross ass dad has two kids with his goddamn stepdaughter?! And he’s raised her since she was four?! Even fucking Giuliani thinks that shit is gross. More: The Daily Beast
Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, it’s news time. We’re still working on some art and stuff for the Great American Scream, so stay tuned! In the meantime, we love y’all, and we hope you’re able to find some rest this weekend. Hang in there, and stay sexy. 
Never doubted her
Unlike NBCNews, we never doubted Cassidy Hutchinson and we sure as fuck never believed anonymous sources from one of the most dysfunctional agencies in D.C. But now a D.C. police officer who was in the motorcade has confirmed what she said. So when is Peter Alexander apologizing to Cassidy? More: CNN
Fuck Joe Manchin
Ugh. Do we have to even do this? Y’all know he sucks. Y’all know he’s corrupt. And y’all know he’s dumber than dog shit. Well, now he’s also a murderer because that stupid motherfucker just stuck a giant knife in Biden’s climate agenda. It’s really hard to figure out why and probably has nothing to do with all the dirty ass money he makes from coal and oil. He was on the radio this morning saying he doesn’t understand why Schumer did this and that it’s not really over. But we know he’s a fucking liar and a scumbag. So once again, fuck Joe Manchin. More: Huff Post
Way too secret service
It’s so so so bad that the Secret Service is turning out to be one of the institutions that Trump corrupted the most. Especially since they were already one of the most broken agencies in Washington. And now it looks like they are part of a Jan. 6 cover-up. Yeah, reports broke yesterday that the service deleted agent texts AFTER they were asked to provide them for the investigation. This is why we led today with Fetterman. Because everything else is just totally fucked. More: CNN
Today’s clips
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) recently shared footage of a right-wing heckler sexually harassing her outside the Capitol. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) thinks she should be grateful for it. More: Huff Post
The Democrat-led House of Representatives is expected to vote on Friday to pass a pair of bills aimed at protecting access to abortion at the federal level in the wake of the Supreme Court’s momentous decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. More: CNN
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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