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Today's Big Stuff 7.14.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Thursday. There are 117 days until the midterm elections. Looks like Trump will announce he’s running again, a long overdue addition to Statuary Hall and a threat of violence that the Beltway media doesn’t care about. 
Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Republicans want to kill us all. Mostly because they fucking do. 
Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! So yesterday was really gross, and we’ll get into it here in a minute. But in the meantime, would you like to hear some good news? YES DESPERATELY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! Ok ok fair enough. In a few recent polls we are holding our own and even leading in these generic ballot questions. 
We inherited an absolute fucking nightmare, we’re trapped in an endless pandemic, gas cost a fortune and Russia is trying to murder everyone. And we’re still in this motherfucker! It doesn’t make sense. If it held it would defy historical trends and near universal conventional wisdom (lol). So why? Why are we still in it? Because of degenerate slob lunatics like pig dick over here…

Indiana AG now says they are looking into the doctor
So fucking gross. But yeah we’re hanging on by a thread, baby, and that thread is a deranged lunatic driving a tank over a textbook in his latest war crime of a campaign ad. The crazier those sonsofbitches get, the better we look. We might be boring as fuck and we do a lot of dumb shit, but we don’t want to shoot you or your doctor. And really isn’t that what you want in a political party? For it to not want you dead? So yeah, you’re scaring the shit out of us, lunatic right, but we appreciate that your terrifying and well-armed zaniness is keeping our asses in this race. Thanks. And please don’t shoot us. Or yourself. Or anyone else. Take care now.
Note two: We still have fucking steam coming out of our ears about this Ohio/Indiana shit. They wanted it to be a lie. They wanted it to be made up. Because otherwise they’d have to reckon with the fact that they’re trying to force a 10-year-old to give birth to her rapist’s baby. And even for a Republican, that is some really fucked up shit. More: Ohio Capital Journal
Note three: The Washington Post fact-checker is an absolute dumpster fire. And this note got like six Pinocchios. More: Jezebel
Note four: It looks like we have a date for the Great American Scream. We’re looking at Aug. 5. It’s a Friday. Our guy Kyle is working on some cool graphics and shit, so we’ll hit y’all with an official announcement later. But for now go ahead and circle Aug. 5.
Note five: Trump did an interview today and called Cassidy Hutchinson “psycho girl.” It’s weird how forced retirement hasn’t made him less of a misogynist sleaze. NO LINK
Note six: We are disappointed in how Joe Biden is handling Saudi Arabia, MBS and Jamal Khashoggi. We’ll just leave it at that. 
Note seven: Apparently the witness that Trump tried to call was on the White House support staff. Dude seems really worried. We’re hoping like hell he has a reason to be. More: CNN
Note eight: Someone emailed us yesterday that this newsletter is just “whining.” We had to inform that person that Adam is actually his real dad. We’re guessing he didn’t take it very well.
Note nine: So um like we said, we’re up against shit-eating maniacs…
168 Republicans vote against Active Shooter Alert System
Note 10: Fuck yes! This is what we’re talkin’ about. House Democrats are looking to go on offense and hold some votes that will make Republicans very uncomfortable. Let’s fucking go! More: Axios
Note 11: Lindsey Graham won a stay in his efforts to avoid testifying in Georgia. Wouldn’t it be great if Senate Democrats were calling him out or if a gutless Capitol Hill press corps asked him things other than “so are you gonna testify?” More: Post and Courier
Note 12: We saw a tweet yesterday from one of CNN’s Hill reporters that senators are close on a deal on the Electoral Count Act. Who were the sources? Joe Manchin and Susan Collins. Don’t you feel better?
Note 13: Btw, we don’t think Democrats should go along with this. According to Republicans, the vice president can decide an election, so let’s just let VP Harris decide the next one. Cool with y’all?
Note 14: The New York Times talked to the famous Ray Epps. He seems like just another piece of shit insurrectionist to us. More: Talking Points Memo
Note 15: Godamnit. Sometimes other people just come up with a joke that’s better than anything we came up with so we just have to give credit. Here’s a perfect example of that…
Shannon Watts
Now where will we go to get bloody diarrhea from tainted pork sliders served by armed minors?
Note 16: Beto has been going to Uvalde funerals while Texas’s Republican politicians haven’t done a goddamn thing. More: KXXV
Note 17: While we were writing, Steve Bannon got another attempt to delay his trial denied. So it looks like come Monday, someone will be putting on two fancy dress shirts at the same time for some reason. NO LINK
Note 18: Want to see Rep. Ayanna Pressley take on Josh Hawley’s anti-choice wife?
Pressley to Hawley: When an ectopic pregnancy ruptures what are the chances it can be carried safely to term? And you know what, just to make this clearer, I’m looking for a number between 0 and 100
Note 19: We love our Democratic Party, but we really wish they’d stop scaring the shit out of us by elevating the very lunatics we’re running against. More: NBC News
Note 20: Alrighty, SPs, let’s do it to it. And by it we mean the news section. We hope y’all are doing ok this week. We know shit has gotten really dark and ugly. Just remember — you are the antidote. Love y’all!
Well the deranged orange piece of goat shit who pretty much killed America is going back for more. WaPo is reporting today that Trump is looking at a post-Labor Day pre-midterms launch for his 2024 presidential campaign. This is a good news/bad news situation. The good news is that Trump being back on the trail and reminding everyone how batcrap crazy he is will be good for us. The bad news is that if he wins he’s probably going to nuke the blue states. More: Washington Post
About fucking time
Yesterday, Statuary Hall in the U.S. Capitol got a new addition — a statue of Mary McLeod Bethune. This is a well deserved honor for a true American hero. But we were fucking flabergasted to see that she is the FIRST Black person to get a state-commissioned statue in the hall. Is this a racist country? You bet your white marble ass it is. More: CNN
Where’s the outrage?
U.S. Rep. Pramila Jayapal is not a white man. We’re assuming that’s why there wasn’t more outrage and concern in the national media when a man was arrested for wanting to kill her. We’re also guessing that’s why he was fucking let out of jail. Dude was outside her house with a fucking gun, and the police say they can’t say for sure what he was doing. If the congresswoman wants our mainstream media to care about her safety, she’ll need to change her name to Brett Kavanaugh. More: Seattle Times
Today’s clips
More and more Democrats are urging President Joe Biden to declare a public health emergency in the wake of the Supreme Court decision overturning Roe v. Wade
Earlier this week, 80 House Democrats urged Biden to take action — now, 18 Senate Democrats have done the same. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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