View profile

Today's Big Stuff 7.13.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Wednesday. There are 118 days until the midterm elections. An ugly but outdated inflation report, another shocking hearing day and Biden heads to the Middle East. 
Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a deranged orange ex-president who’s about to attempt a violent fucking coup against his own goddamn country.
Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots. Did you put some extra Sexy and Patriotism in your coffee this morning because yowzer. Us? 

Awwww. Wasn’t that just moving and touching and all kinds of warm feels and shit? Yeah, we didn’t fucking think so either. That’s why we’re proud to announce the launch of a new company called Fuck Your Apology Inc. Yeah, anytime one of these Trump dingleberry terrorist shitbags wants to tell us how sowwy he is, you just give us a call, we hop in the company van and race to your location and then we tell the suddenly humble human garbage to take his apology and stick it up his treasonous ass and then shit it out and eat it. Oh you have a sad because you’re a traitor? Well fuck your apology. 
But, TBS, shouldn’t we be the bigger people and forgive them and also you guys look hot today. Well thank you. So do you. And fuck that noise. Look, there’s a whole lot of shit we can forgive. And a violent fucking attack on the United States fucking Capitol because you lost a fucking election ain’t on the fucking forgivin’ list. 
So, to the brave democracy-defending officers who had to endure those fucking hugs like a ballgame marriage proposal, we stand ready to say thank you by telling that dude and others like him to go straight to hell and take their sorry fucking apologies with them. Y’all have a blessed day. 
Note two: We’re not actually starting a new company. 
Note three: Hi, so the next time a bunch of Republican assholes head to the Southern border for a photo-op and some racism, maybe our news media can let them know that Biden just got Mexico to pay $1.5 billion for high-tech border infrastructure. More: NBC News
Note four: Want to see a really low moment for CNN, journalism and America that’s also kinda hilarious?
Tapper: I don’t know if I agree with you with all due respect. One doesn’t have to be brilliant to attempt a coup
Bolton: I disagree with that as somebody who has helped plan coups, not here but other places…
Note five: Congratulations to President Obama on being nominated for an Emmy. One more thing he has that Trump’s loser ass doesn’t. More: People
Note six: Did you see the texts from Brad Parscale about how Trump was starting a “civil war?” Well according to WaPo, Parscale called Trump yesterday to make sure they were still cool. Yes, these are some truly fucked up irredeemable monsters. More: Washington Post
Note seven: Josh Gottheimer is like Joe Manchin but without the winning personality and sense of decency. We know that our majority is hanging by a thread, but can we please blast this fucker into parts of the universe we just saw pictures of? More: Axios
Note eight: Republicans stopped believing in the free markets. Just totally stopped. It was supposed to be their core value. Or it was just a beard for their real core value of white supremacy. We’re thinking it was the latter. More: Washington Post
Note nine: Before they tear down the school in Uvalde, maybe they should tear down the coward hive they call a police station. More: Statesman
Note 10: The best thing we saw yesterday was Josh Hawley getting his narrow treasonous ass handed to him.
Bridges to Hawley: I want to recognize that your line of questioning is transphobic
Note 11: Trump vs. Elon could be fun except it makes us want the world to end. More: Business Insider
Note 12: Btw, twitter has sued Elon… More: CNN
Note 13: …But after yesterday’s hearing, we know that twitter is a piece of shit company with or without Musk. More: Gizmodo
Note 14: Holy shit we have an ATF director. This might not seem like a big deal, but it’s actually been years since the Senate confirmed a permanent director. More: CNN
Note 15: Did you see yesterday that Ivanka lied about going to the Jan. 6 rally to calm down her daddy? Weird. We thought she was the honest one. No, we’re just kidding. She’s obviously trash. More: CNN
Note 16: Gov. Newsom has signed a law that allows gun violence victims to sue gun manufacturers. We’re sure a corrupt Supreme Court will eventually strike this down, but good for California for making them do it and making an effort. More: NBC LA
Note 17: If Rudy Giuliani called us pussies, we’d still be washing hair dye off our knuckles. Or we would’ve just pissed ourselves laughing at him. More: Vice
Note 18: Trump’s Arizona scumbags are already saying their elections are rigged. And they seemed like such normal traitors. More: Axios
Note 19: Alright, Sexy Patriots! Let’s do some news! We hope this hump day finds y’all having a humping good week. Or at least a normal good week. Love y’all!
So the new CPI report shows inflation at a new 40-year high, and that ain’t good. Like at all. The good news is that it’s largely based on energy prices, and this report doesn’t factor in that gas prices have dropped for like 26 days in a row. Still, this is a bad report and Joe Manchin is already using it as an excuse to be a douche-bag asshole. More: Yahoo Finance
Yesterday was another mind-blowing hearing day as we went deep inside the White House meeting where the shithouse rats were all screaming and cussing at each other and Mike Flynn, Sidney Powell and the Overstock guy who had an affair with a Russian spy were all calling for seizing voting machines. It looks like there might only be one more hearing, and it will be in primetime. Then everyone will look to Merrick Garland to see if he’s got the guts to do his goddamn job. More: CNN
Safe travels
While we were all asleep, President Biden flew to Israel. He is trumpeting Trump’s achievements in the region and just told Netanyahu that he loves him. We wish we were making up both of those things, but we’re not so just ugh. And it ain’t like it gets better when he meets with MBS and the Saudi family. Honestly, we don’t have anything good to say about any of this, but we figured you should know where the president was today. More: CNN
Today’s clips
The Biden administration is calling on people to exercise renewed caution about COVID-19, emphasizing the importance of getting booster shots for those who are eligible and wearing masks indoors as two new highly transmissible variants are spreading rapidly across the country. More: Huff Post
Support Today’s Big Stuff
If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to
Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.
Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.
So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.
So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.
Did you enjoy this issue? Yes No
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

In order to unsubscribe, click here.
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Created with Revue by Twitter.