Today’s Big Stuff 7.12.22

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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 7.12.22
It’s Tuesday. There are 119 days until the midterm elections. Steve Bannon had a case of the Mondays, Georgia says Lindsey Graham can’t hide under his bed and it’s hearing day!
Be advised: This newsletter cusses a lot. It’ll stop when Republicans stop being the fucking worst.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! Ready for some Jan. 6 hearing nuttiness today? Us too. The hearings have been so well done that we’ve gotten to where we mark them on our calendars and really look forward to them. They are intense as hell though. If you need to step away, step away. We suggest when you do, you look at this…
Jason Short
I had to make a before and after to really appreciate how good the James Webb Telescope really is. https://t.co/dj0HL8XGaZ
Breathtaking isn’t it? Yeah, we normally use this space to cuss politicians to hell and back and make jokes about Rudy shitting out of his face and doing his cousin. But today we thought we’d just post that picture as a reminder that all of us are in this together. And that’s the really the mother of all-time good-news-bad-news situations. 
Because inside that gorgeous majestic mystery, we are none of us alone, and there is great comfort and wonder in that. 
But then you remember Ted Cruz’s fucking ass is in there somewhere too and it kinda fucking ruins the whole thing. And it ain’t like Elon is taking him to corners of the universe anytime soon.
正道正義
Maybe this could explain why Elon is all pissy over on Twitter I’ve never seen the Trump curse work so fast 😂 https://t.co/KIKBYxEb1t
Anyway, we are very glad to share this awesome universe with you, the sexiest patriots this side of Blargon 10, and we hope you have a great day. 
Note two: Peter Navarro accused Pence of treason last night. Pence probably sent him a fucking muffin basket this morning. And Navarro probably tried to have sex with it before declaring himself the Pirate King and jumping into a pool filled with frozen peas. More: HuffPost
Note three: So over the weekend the Sarasota Herald-Tribune published a letter from a Proud Boy’s wife that talked about what great dudes the Proud Boys actually are and that they aren’t at all terrorist scum. Needless to say the paper took a lot of shit, and to their credit, they took the letter down and apologized. Maybe the NYT can learn something here. More: Herald Tribune
Note four: Joe Biden just killed a big terrorist. We still celebrate shit like this or did Trump ruin that too? More: CNN
Note five: Anyone who knows us knows how much we love our FLOTUS. But man this was cringey. Good on them for apologizing this morning. More: CNN
Note six: Gym Jordan was on Fox last night saying Republicans might impeach Merrick Garland. Garland responded by going back to the giant hole in his backyard he hides in. NO LINK
Note seven: So this is big and we’re not even going to hit them for taking their sweet ass time on it, but the Biden White House is telling hospitals they must perform abortions if the life of the mother is in danger. These are the kinds of steps people need to see, and it’s hard to get mad at people who are scared and angry and wondering why this stuff took weeks. More: CBS News
Note eight: Susan Collins and Joe Manchin are saying they don’t regret their votes that led to the fall of Roe. It’s probably because they both suck.
Jessica Dean
Today is the Senate's first day back since Roe v Wade was overturned. I asked Sen. Susan Collins if she regrets her votes to confirm Justices Kavanaugh and Gorsuch. She would only say "I made the best decision I could based on the information I had at the time."
Note nine: Trump had to cancel his North Carolina event this week because he’s being forced to testify under oath in New York instead. Guess he shouldn’t have been a piece of shit criminal his whole life. More: News Observer
Note 10: If the White House wants to know why so many people are pissed off at them, it’s because of shit like this. More: HuffPost
Note 11: LOL. Don’t forget about Dominion and their $1.6 billion lawsuit against Fox News. They just subpoenaed Bill Barr. Oh this is so fun. More: Axios
Note 12: Mitch McConnell went on the Senate floor and bragged about the Supreme Court and taking out Roe. He did it because he knows a gutless press corps will never ask him about the consequences of his actions. NO LINK
Note 13: Michigan is putting abortion on the ballot. More: Crain’s Detroit
Note 14: Thank you to Ted Lieu and AOC for taking the lead on pointing out that Supreme Court justices lied about Roe. Quick question — why the fuck isn’t leadership doing this instead? More: Ted Lieu
Note 15: There are reports that Biden is going to meet with Netanyahu while he’s in Israel. Can anyone tell us why? More: NBC News
Note 16: The Family Research Council is as much of a church as the goddamn KKK is. Shut this shit down now. More: Talking Points Memo
Note 17: RIP to former labor boss Jerry McEntee. More: NY Times
Note 18: We are not writing about Joe Manchin and reconciliation. We just flat out fucking refuse to be that fucking gullible. If something actually passes, we’ll write about it then.
Note 19: Yesterday President Biden called for assault weapons to be banned. It needed to be said. We also hope he will invite the Parkland parent back who was escorted out for demanding we do more to protect kids. More: The Hill
Note 20: Alright, SPs, let’s hustle our hot asses on over to the news section. We hope your week is off to a great start. We’ve got some Big Scream news coming this week (we’re working on dates and graphics), but in the meantime, here’s a virtual hug and a go-get-’em pat on the fanny. Love y’all!
Eat shit, Steve
Even a Trump judge wouldn’t buy Steve Bannon’s bullshit. Yesterday in court, Bannon tried to delay his trial, scheduled to start Monday, by throwing all kinds of crap at the wall. DOJ went to war, and the judge sided with them on everything. At one point Bannon’s lawyer asked what the point of going to trial was if they didn’t have any defense. LOL. The truth is that zit on a hemorrhoid shouldn’t be walking around a free man at all. But since he is, let’s enjoy watching him lose.
More: CNN
Eat shit, Lindsey
Another weasel Republican trying to avoid the legal system had a bad day yesterday. Lindsey Graham, the guy Trump had neutered so he could be the White House pet, will have to testify in Georgia, the state where he tried to have tens of thousands of valid votes thrown out. Lindsey, who was chairman of the Judiciary Committee, really thought that subpoena was optional. 
More: MSNBC
Hearing Day!
First a programming note — the primetime hearing we thought we were getting this Thursday has been postponed because of new information the committee has received. Today’s hearing starts at 1 pm ET. Today the committee will focus on the extremist groups who attacked our country because an orange shit-for-brains president told them to. Buckle up.
More: AP News
Today’s clips
NASA on Tuesday released more images from the James Webb Space Telescope, a day after President Joe Biden unveiled the first image at the White House. More: HuffPost
For the first time in 20 years, the exchange rate between the euro and the US dollar has reached parity – meaning the two currencies are worth the same. More: CNN
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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