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Today’s Big Stuff 5.9.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 5.9.22
It’s Monday. There are 184 days until the midterm elections. The people taking away basic human rights from millions have a sad, DOCTOR Jill Biden is a certified badass and Republicans aren’t stopping with Roe.
Be advised: We started taking performance-enhancing drugs to help us cuss more, but it made our spelling even fucking wurs.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we were hoping to start this week like a shot of B12, but regretfully we have some bad news. The day we dreaded has finally come. We shouldn’t be surprised. We knew it would happen, but it’s still pretty jarring. Sexy Patriots, Trump has become a TBS reader…
Asawin Suebsaeng
“…lately Trump had voiced bewilderment and disgusted confusion about what he’d been told of the flood of leaks and footage, asking at one point in recent days if one of the allegations was that Cawthorn was ‘fucking his cousin?’”
Like that orange fuckhead totally reads TBS, right? Or has someone read it to him? Or has someone make pictures of what it says and put them in front of him? Ok, so maybe we’re reaching in our quest to grow TBS into a Murdochian force for good. But in the off chance he is reading, we would like to just deliver him a quick message. Gotta shoot your shot, ya know? Ok. Ahem…
Dear Miserable Piece of Shit, we fucking hate you. No, we seriously fucking hate you. We hate your whole fucking family. We hate your miserable piece of shit parents for having you. Please fuck off and eat shit and then fuck off some more. And kiss our asses. And eat shit. And fuck off again. Sincerely, TBS
Phew. Well that was like a shot of B12. Ok, let’s cause some good trouble this week. They’re just starting to hear us, so we gotta be louder. Be safe, be kind to yourself and be sexy patriotic. We know you got that last one covered.
Note two: Someone called the civility police, and the White House is now apparently angrier at peaceful protesters than they are at the attempted rapist justice who wants to take away bodily autonomy from millions of women. We say fuck the White House on this one. Be heard!
Jen Psaki
.@POTUS strongly believes in the Constitutional right to protest. But that should never include violence, threats, or vandalism. Judges perform an incredibly important function in our society, and they must be able to do their jobs without concern for their personal safety.
Note three: Whoa nelly, did y’all see Steve Schmidt go absolutely nuclear this weekend? Y’all know we’re on the Megan McCain sucks train, but we didn’t know until yesterday that Schmidt was the conductor. More: Daily Beast
Note four: Also, we’re very sorry to hear that Megan’s book isn’t selling very well. But we didn’t need to read all the way to the end to know who her dad was. More: Uproxx
Note five: This motherfucker. Clarence Thomas is fucking trolling us because he knows official Washington will give him a pass. How do we know? Because that’s what they did when we found out his fucking wife was part of a bloody fucking coup attempt. More: Washington Post
Note six: Just a follow up on that last note — fuck Clarence and motherfuck his traitor wife.
Note seven: It’s weird how all these super tough Oathkeeper pieces of shit keep singing like fucking canaries on speed. More: CNN
Note eight: Our ol’ buddy President Zelensky had his own Victory Day message for Putin. Our translation might be a little off, but it sounded like “Russian douchebag, go fuck yourself.” More: The Hill
Note nine: A million Americans died and Republicans delcared war on undocumented immigrants. So yeah no fucking shit we have a labor shortage. More: AP News
Note 10: So some scary COVID news (is there any other kind?). The White House is out of money (and will?) to fight the virus and they’re simultaneously preparing for 100 million Americans to get infected this fall and winter. Whatever cuss words you just said were the right reaction. More: Wall Street Journal
Note 11: Did y’all see the season finale of Winning Time last night? God we love that freaking show.
Note 12: Mark Esper sure has a lot to say about what a raving fucking lunatic Trump is. Yeah, no fucking shit, bro. That’s why we were standing up to him while you were calling him “sir.” More: CBS News
Note 13: If you’re looking for some Republican Senate candidates to target with your money and organizing hours, here’s a good list to start with. More: Axios
Note 14: How pissed off are Democrats? They donated $12 million after the Roe news broke. More: The Hill
Note 15: We keep seeing stories about how Democrats are hoping the Roe news will energize young voters. And then we keep seeing elected Democrats acting like they don’t want that to happen. Biden is giving a major speech this week. On inflation. More: CNN
Note 16: Fuck! Yesterday was the four-year anniversary of Be Best and we totally forgot to get a gift. But if we were going to send something to Melania we’d probably start by sending fucking clue.
4 Years ago I launched #BeBest to ensure the well-being of our great nation’s children.
On this anniversary, let’s build the momentum with #FosteringTheFuture to support children in the foster care community.  
Note 17: Oh hey look, Michigan Republicans are going to steal the next presidential election if they win this year. It’s not even a threat. It’s a campaign promise. More: NPR
Note 18: We were gonna fact-check Dinesh D’Souza’s latest bullshit, but life is short so fuck that deranged asshole. More: Denver Post
Note 19: This story out of Houston is fucking crazy. More: Houston Chronicle
Note 20: Wow. Maybe the civility police can clutch their pearls over this shit.
Euromaidan Press
Russian ambassador to Poland was doused with symbolical blood while celebrating "Victory day". People chanted "fascists."
Note 21: Alrighty, SPs, to the news. We hope y’all had an awesome fucking weekend, and we hope you’re ready to get back to work saving this fucked up country. Be safe. Be loud. Be heard. And if someone has a problem with it, tell them TBS said to fuck off.
So yeah, reasonably angry peaceful protesters have been outside accused rapist Brett Kavanaugh’s house, and every middle-aged white man in the greater Washington area has run to twitter to tell them to just calm down and go home. Well fuck that. Kavanaugh is voting to take away the rights and autonomy of millions of women. We hope he never gets a decent night of sleep again in his miserable fucking life. Turn up the volume!
Doctor Badass
We’ve known for a while that DOCTOR Jill Biden is a fucking star, but goddamn we had no idea. Over the weekend, the non-trash First Lady snuck into Ukraine and met with Ukrainian First Lady Olena Zelenska. We love to see it. Hell, Melania would be in Moscow with a fucking Z spray-painted on the back of her coat.
More: NPR
What’s next
On Wednesday, the Senate is going to take another vote codifying Roe. It will fall. And then we’ll get the decision in June and all hell will break loose. This Sunday saw Republican governors on the Sunday shows making excuses for prioritizing the rights of rapists over women and refusing to rule out coming for birth control. We’ve seen several GOP lawmakers and governors say they won’t stop with Roe. And Mitch McConnell is refusing to rule out a national abortion ban and y’all just fucking know he’ll kill the filibuster to get it. So yeah, just a giant fuck you to anyone telling us to calm down right now.
Today’s clips
Former President Trump issued an insult-laden message on Mother’s Day this year, continuing his trend of releasing scathing statements on holidays. More: Business Insider
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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